codependency

This will be coming partially from experience, and partially information that I've found.
The hardest part of this, for me it was anyway, was not realizing that I relied so much on someone and that it had taken away from time I meant to be spending on other, more important, life things. That I was putting so much into a relationship with another person that I didn't realize I was taking time away from what I NEEDED to focus on.

So when I separated from them, it felt like fresh air, it felt like freedom. Even though I truly loved and cared for this person, I was able to really feel like I had broken free from something and it felt like chains were falling off. I found myself with more time than I knew what to do with, and I had to struggle through to figure out how to redirect that energy in my life into things that I had neglected unintentionally.

"I pretend to be perfect because I think you'll leave me or hate me because of my flaws."- I decided unconsciously that I couldn't show them the real me because I didn't think they could handle it. Come to find out at the end, when I finally did break down and crack myself down to the core and tell them what I had found about my true roots, they didn't believe me and told me I was being self destructive and that I was being dismissive of them.

"I suck at setting boundaries but I can get really moody when others violate them."- This is a challenge for me in more than one way, because as an autistic, I have a hard time knowing about boundaries. I'm learning. I bought a book called "Boundaries" and read through it, learning about them, and starting to verbalize when something is a limit and/or something that I've learned should stop. For instance, in the last few years, I've told people to stop using one of my old nicknames and it's helped me feel more in control of who I am and putting the past behind me.

"I don't know how to love myself and I sometimes expect others to love me even thought I don't know how to love me."- This sort of goes along with the next one.

"I used to think taking care of others was good and that this was the way to feel good enough and I an pissed off because this is a lie I have lived my entire life."- I thought that doing what other people wanted was the right thing to do. But later on I found out, I didn't know what I wanted. I had a hard time even knowing who I was and what my likes and dislikes were/are. I'm still working on this. It's so hard. I've always found my value in other people, and I now I have to learn more about learning to value myself, and finding my value in God.

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I have found in my personal experience with codependency that I now have been able to put more energy into my family and into my home and i'm more in depth with my faith now, whereas before I was unintentionally ignoring these things, and giving them my second best.

I always thought I had to share everything about me and my life with them, and I struggled with the thought of not telling them something, but it also led me to constantly have my phone in my hand, too.
And I'm not blaming them for any of this. Because I was undiagnosed autistic for 36 years of my life, I didn't realize how much I depend on other people around me, and don't REALLY have my own legs to stand on. That if i'm "on my own", I have to have at least my spiritual strength, be able to have God with me. And when I was in college, I floundered a lot, and became dependent on people there, too. I lost my sense of direction, and I failed classes, and I hung out with people who I thought really got me.
The one thing I will put blame on my codependent relationship was the fact that I was easily manipulated in it, because I relied so heavily on them. I allowed myself to be ok with things that were not of God, things that didn't align with my faith, because this person told me it was ok to have these selfish parts of me override what I thought was "good and bad" and they actually questioned where my moral center came from. The good thing was that they told me I was the only Christian person from their past that didn't put blame and point fingers at that them.. I know now that it's because i'm autistic that I am so excepting of all types of people and I see things from all angles that I am non-judgmental. That's a positive for me. But it can also be (and definitely was) something that I unconsciously allowed myself to be stuck in. That influence was not good for me.