Tuesday, September 20, 2022

What they don't see.. from the outside of me

Pushing
through lack of energy
dragging my body through airspace
to move a monster named Shark
to suck up all the skin and hair 
and whatever else fell there

moving the chair
the chair that should be so easy to move
feels like a boulder
heave

push the monster
more and more
back and forth

the chair has to go back
so I take a deep breathe
and make my feet and hands do their work
because stopping won't help anyone
it'll just make it harder to finish.

have I thought about opening a window?
yes
have I thought about turning off the AC?
yes
have I done it?
no. 
too
much
work

I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins
my heartbeat
my breathing
but my body parts
aren't processing
correctly

from the outside of me
this is what you don't see
the human
who just wants to live
and be okay

sigh
I'm okay
resting my hands on the keyboard
not moving my body
even though the face mask is going to make my skin red if I don't get it off

sigh
drag
move

Sunday, September 18, 2022

How are we supposed to live?

So many things telling us which direction to go,
what to do,
who to be,
...
Be yourself!
what does that mean?

You do you!
What does THAT mean?

which voice are we supposed to listen to? 
because the voice we have inside
is constantly inundated and changed and redirected
by what's around us.

Until we don't know
if we are us anymore.


 

Saturday, September 10, 2022

I have to persevere, I can't give up.. even though..

How I function: Pain meds. Resting. Tools like my cane, walking sticks, yard chair, water bottle. Taking breaks. Slow movement. Wraps and braces when I have to keep going with no choice.

I have to persevere, I have to have motivation, I have to figure out how to do what I have to do. Most of the time I know it comes from my constant relationship with Christ. 

I have to work around a body that needs more care, more gentleness, more finesse and different movements, shorter time spans of energy use.. being able to be slower, more mindful, and separate my days into segments of work and self care. I'm most functional from about 10am - 2pm, and then again from 4pm - 8pm.

Success for me looks like getting a chore done. It looks like taking a shower, and some days even just getting dressed and getting down the stairs without getting winded. Success for me looks like clearing my mind through journaling and taking care of my houseplants. It looks like doing a load of dishes and working on prepping foods for the week. Success is watering the garden and getting the mail all in one outdoor run. Success is having enough of me leftover to get on the yoga mat and pop all my joints back together. Being able to breathe and find space for my mind to declutter. Sitting with coffee and my Bible and being able to focus and feel my breathing. Being able to talk with a friend and clearly keep in touch mentally with the whole conversation. Being able to feel like I'm present and connected.

Colossians 2


I want you to know how hard I am contending for you and for those at Laodicea, and for all who have not met me personally. My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full of riches of completed understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in who are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one made deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how disciplined you are and how firm your faith in Christ is. 

(Paul was grateful to know that even though he wasn't able to be with the people in that church at the time, it was good for him to know that "back home" people we strong in their faith and continuing to "fight the good fight" while he was out meeting with and encouraging other people who had heard of him and his teaching, in order to bring them to Christ as well.)

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ. 

(Make sure you're staying strong in body and mind so you know when someone is telling you something wrong and leading you in a way that is not of God. Guard yourself, whole heartedly.)

For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority. In him you were also circumcised with a circumcision not performed by human hands. Your whole self ruled by flesh was put off when you were circumcised by Christ, having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also erased with him through your faith in the working of God, who raised him from the dead. 
When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, trumping over them by the cross.

(You were crucified with Christ, therefore your sinful nature should be put off. Your humanity was buried with him, your faith has made you whole and new. God wins!)

Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon or a Sabbath day. These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you. Such a person also goes into great detail about what they have seen; they are puffed up with idle notions by their unspiritual mind. They have lost connection with the head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow. 
Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to the world, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not Taste! Do not touch!"? These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based merely on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have the appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

(There will be people who think they know what's best for you, and they will have their own ideas about what you should be doing. Don't worry about their opinions, God is the one who tells you right and wrong, not man. Be respectful, but have discernment. Think.)

What is Generalized Anxiety Disorder? Just "normal anxiety"?

If you feel like you have to be doing something when someone else is in the room. Because otherwise you’ll look like you’re lazy.

Thinking that the people who love you always say they love you because they put up with you. or just thinking that they just put up with you.

Not believing that you have anything to really contribute to society or family life. not believing that you have anything to really contribute to society or family life.

Always thinking about what you’re doing doesn’t matter and that you look ridiculous and that you sound ridiculous. Even though the things that you’re doing matter to you. 

Hoping you’re doing the right thing at the right time, so other people won’t judge you. Even though you know they’re judging you anyway. Or at least you’re telling yourself that you know this.

Needing affirmation that you’re not just living but that you’re actually making a difference. that somehow your existence makes something better.

It just keeps going..

I would rather.. good vs.. not good?

This doesn’t just go for people, this also goes for things in your life. Even if it’s good things, if there’s too many good things, it can also lead to frustration. I would rather adjust to having less things (even though they are good things) than to have so many that stress me out. Because then, it's not a good thing.




 

I get it now “thinking in photos “

I haven’t really been able to relate to Temple Grandon at all, even though she’s supposed to be this huge voice for the autistic community and I’m autistic. But I realized something the other day. I think in photos. 

The way my mind works is that I always think I’m going to miss something so I take pictures of everything and then I have so many pictures to go through is overwhelming, but if I don’t take pictures I think I’m gonna miss some thing. So it’s like a catch 22 for me to visualize and remember things. It’s an overwhelming and frustrating process. And I live like this daily. So it’s very hard for me to catch myself doing it. Because it’s just how I live. I have tried multiple times to cut back on taking photos. But it’s very hard for me to remember that, and it’s also very hard for me to live in the moment because if I get overwhelmed then I need to distance myself/detach mentally because otherwise I am most likely will have a breakdown. This is my process constantly.

Now that I know I am I diagnosed, I am letting myself experience the world around me the way I naturally do, and it's quite a lot. I think that's why I'm taking pictures like crazy. Because I don't think I ever gave myself the chance to really look at what I wanted to look at before. And now I just seen everything everywhere. And because I don't want to miss it I took a picture of it. But now I have 1 million pictures to go through and I think I have to save them all, but I don't.

Friday, September 9, 2022

Deuteronomy - the occult

9
When you enter the land the Lord your God is giving you, do not learn to imitate the detestable ways of the nations there. 
10
Let no one be found among you who sacrifices their son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination or soccer, interprets opens, engages in witchcraft,
11
or casts spells, or who is a medium or a spiritist or who consults the dead.
12
Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord; because of these same detestable before the Lords your God.


Don't mimic people who serve things that are not of God. Don't rely on Zodiac signs, make altars to pray at, believe in "it's a sign!" or "everything happens for a reason". Don't go to psychics or palm readers, use ouija boards, tarot cards or use your body in a way that would injure yourself (or someone else) in order to "satiate the gods". 

NONE of these things have anything to do with worshipping the one true Creator of the universe. He gives the free will to choose because He wants us to choose to be in a relationship with Him, and to worship and love Him freely. Not in bondage to the ways of the devil.

In the bucket


 "When Jesus had finished speaking, a Pharisee invited him to eat with him; so he went in and reclined at the table."

Jesus had just finished speaking about letting your body be full of light when it's healthy, and full of darkness when it's not.
Went he went into the home of the Pharisee, he didn't wash his feet... for one reason.
The Pharisee then asked him why, giving Jesus the floor (so to speak) to tell about cleaning the insides AND outsides of your heart. What you practice should be what you believe, and vice versa, instead of being a two-faced. "Practice what you preach."

Do you clean the outside AND the inside of the bucket?
Or is it shiny on the outside with the filth building up?