Phillipians 4:14

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."

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God didn't send his son to condemn the world.
1- God doesn't has a physical form. He had to create a physical form of himself to be able to be part of humanity. This is when God's son came about. Because we, as humans, for some reason HAVE to have a visual, God created that visual, walked among us, was born as a baby, just like humans, was raised as a child, just like humans, had every kind of evil come at us from all sides, just like humans, because He was human.

Get that.. God was human. He decided that we were so worth it to save that He came down and lived and grew up and walked among us, because He wanted to save us all.. from ourselves. Without Him, we are worthless sinners. HE GIVES us worth.
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He came to save us.
2- Almighty God didn't want to condemn us, even though He should, because we are terrible. He came to save us THROUGH Him. The only way to save us was through Him.
He did this to love on us, not to point a finger in our faces.

How are we saved?
ONLY THROUGH HIM.

He literally gave us, freely, a gift a freedom. All you have to do is believe the truth of WHAT JUST HAPPENED.. and you have the gift of ETERNITY.

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Let me recap what just happened.

Almighty God
created a human form of himself
was born just like a regular human
grew up just like a regular human
was treated just like a regular human
had every kind of sin and temptation just like a regular human
but NEVER GAVE IN to any temptation
he lived a perfect like, giving up all rights to being a real human
BECAUSE HE KNEW
if he gave in to even 1 human temptation, he would no longer be the perfect lamb

until he turned 30
then He spoke
He spoke truth
he was tortured
spat on
screamed at
ridiculed
because He spoke truth

then when he was 33
he was betrayed by a disciple..
someone who said they would follow him until the end of time
guards took him away
tortured him so severely he didn't even look like a person
he had to carry HIS OWN cross
to the place where He would be hung on it
because THIS WAS THE ONLY WAY he could save, for eternity, all of the people who were torturing him (and everyone else on this planet)
but ONLY if they believed this whole thing was true

Do you believe all of this is true?

Matthew 11:28

Matthew 11:28 New International Version (NIV)

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

...........

God speaks this to us daily. 

hour by hour

minute by minute

find your rest in your heavenly Father

let your soul be still

let the sounds that rattle inside you quiet

and rest

breathe

let his love seep in and your anxiety be quenched 

pajamas

llamas

llama llama

i dont have red pajamas

but today that would be fun to wear

rainy

drizzly

cool

perfect

sticky

shut the windows

and still hear the wizz, whir, swish, floating off into the distance

coffee

sounds nice

you can still do chores in your pajamas
or
you can decide to open your new book

choose

hope

is eternal

is free

comes from a seed

planted in the soil of my soul

waiting to be watered

hoping theres more water and sunlight

than weeds that choke

I smile

but inside, i don't

i sigh
but inside i cry

i wonder
but inside i hope i don't have to think
thinking is so tiring

relax
but still feeling on edge

i want to do more
but i feel like i've given all i can

if i listen to my body
i reject what the world is telling me.

the rat race
too many rats
i don't want to race

i want to fall
and not hit the bottom
floating flat on my back
in space
and drift off
into light
eternally

why

.. are we so careless?

.. are we so stubborn?

.. are we so easily angered?

that's not love.

.. don't we take care of the people we love?

.. don't we take care of ourselves?

.. are we so heartless?

the root of it all.

.. does the rain fall?

.. do flowers grow?

.. do trees erode from the inside out?

reminds me of people
we pour into each other
until we forget about each other
and then we rot
and fall apart
from the inside out

hoping we can have a fresh start
when we're gone

dishes- executive dysfunction

i fill the sink with hot soapy water, and decided to try to wash them with my bare hands and the scrubby, the whole time in my mind, knowing "i should use the gloves" because i have a pair of gloves to use for dish washing.
they help my grip, because i tend to drop things, or my fingers will bend backward, or something.

i stick my hand back in the water "ow hot". in my mind "i really should get out the dish gloves" all the while still washing the dishes, dipping them quickly into the soapy water.
thinking i can just quickly grab something out of the water and the heat won't bother me as much.

after a couple dips, i can feel the blood pumping in the tips of my fingers.
i really need to wear my dish gloves!

dip in again, grabbing the silverware at the bottom, almost dropping them from the blood pumping through my fingers, PAINFULLY pumping.. it hurts. my blood pumping hurts.

i quickly stick my other hand down to the bottom and pull the plug.

all the while saying in my head "i really should have grabbed the dish gloves" that happen to be right underneath the sink, just a small door away.
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this is executive dysfunction. knowing what you should be doing, or what is right or wrong, but doing something else, knowing the whole time you shouldn't be doing it. but you can't make yourself stop, you have to finish what you're doing, the way you're doing it. once you're done, you regret it, and process what you've done.

mentally kicking yourself, and saying "next time, i HAVE to use the dish gloves". that's what my husband buys them for. and i do use them! just not all the time. and not because i'm not thinking about them, but because of what you just read. i want to, and i should, i just can't. and it sucks.

"just"

It's "just" me.
It's "just" two of my kids.
I'm "just" a mom.
I'm "just" a grandma.

There is no JUST in mom! You are a MOM! highlight it, hug it, underline it. Being a mom is HUGE!

You are not "just" you. You are incredible! You are unique! You are important! And you have no idea who is watching you and loving you when you don't have the eyes to see it in yourself.

It's "just" a house.
It's "just" a car.

NO! You have a house! As small and ugly as you may see it, You have a blessing! There is a roof over your head and a door that you can shut to feel safe! You have indoor plumbing. You may even have a STOVE to COOK on. What?! You mean you can heat up food by plugging in something electric and have the power behind it WORK?!

You have a car! It doesn't matter if the floor board are 2 more miles away from falling out, or if the door squeaks, or if you have to hold the bumper on with a bungee. Are you able to get in, turn the key, and have enough gas in it to get from where you are to where you need to go?!

It's "just" a job.

Excuse me, are you employed? Did you get hired somewhere so you can show up, do something, and bring home money?
You have a JOB! :D CONGRATULATIONS!! I'm excited for you. :) I'm proud of you. :)
You are able to support a life financially.

It's "just" life.

You have breathe in your lungs.
You have tastebuds that can tell you if the food you just put in your mouth was delicious or disgusting.
What? You were able to put food in your mouth? and there's a chance that food tasted good?

"just"

Praying for miracles

There are people in my life that pray for me, and I love that.
Prayer is an amazing powerful thing. :)
God is an amazing all-mighty creator.

But that's what makes me stop and think.

God is my creator.

Yes, Satan brought evil into the world, and that's why we have illnesses and many other things.
Our bodies are not meant to last forever, and somehow someday, everybody's physical being will fall apart, stop working, and decay back into the ground, since that's where it came from.

So why would I ask for my illnesses to be taken away?
What would that prove?
That I can overcome?
That I'm the product of a miracle.. until my body starts to fall apart again?

I already AM the product of a miracle.
It's already a miracle that I was created in my mothers' body and am standing here today.
LIFE IS A MIRACLE.

So why do we wish away the parts of our life that we were made to do something with?

I was created with a neurological different, which makes me uniquely Autistic.
I was also created with a type of floppy collagen, making me uniquely a medical Zebra, named Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

Both of these things were placed in my body for a reason, and now the time has come for me to use these things to my advantage in my new mission field.. social media.

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I do not pray for Him to take this away.
He created me to be perfectly unique.
Enduring in Him gives me strength day to day.

If I did not have these specific struggles, I would not be the person I am today, I would not have the relationships I have today, and I would not be forging ahead in a new mission field, blazing a path for my daughters and other people to see and hear about how God works, no matter what we as people feel about our future or how things "should" happen.

I "should" be sent to hell, because I'm a sinner. But I have faith in God, the One whom I know created the universe and everything in out of nothing.

He created me perfectly.
I do not want a miracle.
I do not want to be healed.
I want His guidance and His strength and the endurance that I grow and face and flourish with everyday.. because of Him.

It's not that I don't believe in miracles. It's that I look at life differently.. and I don't want to give up the new grasp on life and my new found strength and faith in God because I'm being selfish.

So pray for me!
PLEASE pray for me!
Pray that I look for the new steps He places in front of me, and pray that I follow in those steps.
Pray for me to have strength as I forge on.
Don't wish for my decaying body to be healed so that I may live longer and happier.
Happiness is not found in health.
Happiness is found in my personal walk with God.

He put just the right people around me, I am married to an amazing man and have born 3 amazing children, and I have a fantastic extended family. I have my God and I have my people surrounding to support me.

personal standards

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning, she is a photographer and recently was able to capture (beautifully!) a surprise engagement. She showed me the raw photos, before she started her edits, and wow. They were fantastic!
She has an amazing eye for photography.

This is her talent.
This is the passion in her heart.
And yet.. she doubts herself.
She holds herself to a certain set of standards, and even then, even though people have hired her time and time again to photograph parts of their lives, she doubts herself and has to reinforce herself with positive self-talk because her humanity tells her she's not good enough.

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What is the deal with our self inflicted standards?

I myself owned a sewing business at one time, creating interesting eco-friendly products that were pertinent to everyday use. I would create some of the things that were in my mind and they would sell off the rack. I would receive emails and messages from people to create custom items for them and they loved them.

Now I know for me, positive feedback (words of affirmation) are my main love language. So I need to hear from other voices that aren't my own when I've done something good or worthwhile.

But why must we look for this outside of ourselves?
Because of our humanity.

Because we crave love, we crave togetherness. Whether or not we admit it, parts of us do need the opinions of other people.

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Even though we were created perfectly by our heavenly Father, we forget that our worth is in Him, not because of anything we've done, but because of the fact that He loves us perfectly, in our mess, in our weakness, in our dependability on other meaningless things.

It's so nice to know that the only standard He holds us to is the fact that He loves us unconditionally.

We need to be more gentle on ourselves.
Our self-talk can either be damaging or life-giving.
How about instead of "I didn't do good enough" because we're the ones who say what "good" is, how about "I am great at what I do, and I can only get better". Because God puts our passions in us, it is us who makes it seem like nothing.

Today, I choose to hold myself to His standard. I am perfectly created, I will stumble because I'm human, and He loves me no matter what.

ok, body, i'm listening

so yesterday, i had a lot of energy, it felt really good. i went to my dentist appointment, me and my girls all did chores together, i even crawled under the kids beds and kicked everything out to get taken care of.
and in the process, i thought to myself, i wonder if tomorrow i'm not going to be able to do anything.

HA!
well, i can do SOME things. ;)

i took the morning off to watch tv with my older two daughters while the youngest, Zoe, was at her bible study, and then we started working on clothes and shoes for school, and i kept getting light headed and i'm sore from yesterday. sigh. :P

i stopped in the middle of the project, pushed all the boxes to the side, and got some stuff to take a shower. because i stink, and i need to conserve my energy.

i figure i'll finish tonight.

i got in the bathroom, got ready to jump in the shower and i had a muscle cramp in my neck, and started to get a muscle spasm around my SI joint. first thing i did in the shower was stand with my back to it, letting the warmth pelt my skin, hoping to keep the spasm from increasing. but as soon as i got out, it started getting worse. so as soon as i was dressed enough, i went to the closet in the hallway and got my muscle relaxers.
            and decided that now is the time to do my foot soak. i've been putting it off and putting it off.. and since my body isn't ok with my movements today, i'll sit in front of the computer with my feet in a dish pan of warm lavender scented water, with my foot scrub and shaver.
            probably a good thing that i'm being forced to slow down ;) body knows best.

"busy napping"

this morning, i got up before my girls did, fed the cats, cleaned the litter, got dressed, made coffee, went to my dentist appointment 5 minutes down the road. got back and made sure they were all get up. (10ish AM). i had my breakfast, drank my coffee, and grabbed my iPad to read my book on kindle while i rested in the chair. i ended up falling asleep after 2 pages, i was so tired. i didn't get up until noon, and asked one of my daughters something (middle child), and she said.. get this..

"you were busy napping, so i didn't want to bother you".

busy napping.
guys, this girl gets in.

in a world of speed, and bad health, and go here, do this, can't slow down..

i was busy.
i was busy doing something important.
why was it important?
because my body was telling me i needed to it. and i listened.

being mindful of what your body says to do IS NOT EASY!
and then listening and LETTING YOURSELF do what your body says it needs is HUGE!

and my daughter, at 12 years old, is unconsciously recognizing this.
i'm a proud mama.

for listening to my body and letting it do what it needed.
and also for my daughter to recognize that, in that timeframe, mom was busy. i was actively doing self care. which i obviously want to promote with them, as well.

teenage trauma - acne or pimples?

So I’ve noticed in the last few months since my rheumatologist did bloodwork and recommended I do DHEA spray under my tongue every night to level out my hormones, the acne on my chest, on my back, on my face have all gone away. It’s helped my libido which is great, so therefore it’s helped my confidence. i've also noticed that when i DO get a "pimple", more likely than not, it's actually a harder calcified substance that comes out instead of the regular pussy white that's in a pimple. this is because of EDS.

This also reminds me and makes me think of when I was growing up and my dad would make fun of my pimples and point them out and say "what’s that on your face?", with an annoying grin, thinking he was so clever, like it was funny or a good thing to point it out to me. (like i didn't know, as a teenage girl, that i had pimples on my face.) It would’ve been nice to know back then that I had a hormone in balance, so that could be taken care of so he didn’t keep doing it.

Even now, my husband is fascinated sometimes that because of the way my skin heals, that i constantly have some form of scar or mark left by the pimples or dry skin patches. I know my husband doesn't mention it to be obnoxious or to be harmful, but i know my dad knew better. maybe he was trying to make light of it? all i know is it was harmful to my emotional and mental health. so much so that to this day, it still invades my mind to some degree.

also at that time, i would pick at them, like i still do pick at things. but now i know why i pick.. it's because of my autistic tendencies, it's part of my stimming and also part of self-mutilation. i didn't realize that part of being autistic and chronically sick is the fact that i feel things a lot differently than other people, as in, i really don't feel very often. so that is part of self-mutilation, it causes us to feel pain and emotion, which we don't normally have any control over. 

What used to be my business

As I’m working on this order for a friend of mine, so far this is my third week working on it. My turnaround time used to be like 1 to 2 weeks and that was taps. And then I made sure people knew it could take 3 to 4 weeks. Now I’m finding myself exhausted just knowing that I have a project to do for someone else that’s taking a while. And there are more cosmetic flaws than there used to be.

Now I’m getting ready to put the snaps on and I’m having to jog my memory about what part is white. The socket and the stud and the cap. And it’s daunting to look at my snap press and realize that it’s very hard to push on it, much harder than it used to be.

This is going to be my last custom order that includes snaps. Honestly, I really haven't done any custom orders period in a long time. Which i'm sad of, but actually relieved and grateful for. I don't like disappointing people. 

I honestly might sell my snap collection. They’re just too hard for me to do anymore. And it makes me sad to look at them.
for now i'll put them behind a box to get them out of sight. 

being disappointed and imperfect in Gods love

“Because there is sin in the world, there is disappointment. You can’t escape being disappointed sometimes, but when that happens you can rely on this; Jesus will never disappoint or let you down. His love for you is unconditional. And when you put your faith in him, you can be sure that he will work out every setback and problems for your good.“

His love for you is unconditional.

His love for you is unconditional.

Why do we feel like we need to do something to earn his love?

Is this crazy foreign mindset to us, I guess, that we can offer ourselves to him in the middle of our mess and he will help renew us. He pulls us up out of our crap, no strings attached, loves honors, no matter what a mess we are, and brings us close to his heart. We don’t have to earn his love, we can’t earn his love. There’s no price tag on it. It’s free.

This reminds me of sometimes when you go in a store and you’re looking to purchase things and you have your budget on your mind, how much money is in your wallet, and you’re trying to be careful because you can only afford to buy certain things. But you pick something up and bring it to the register and they tell you “you can’t buy it, it’s free. You can take it home with you without paying for it.“

It’s like that flabbergasted, question in your mind, how is this possible, do I take it or don’t I take it. Will it add anything to my life? It’s like we question free gifts so much that we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy the fact that it is a free gift. We didn’t earn it, it was given to us because there’s some emotion behind it that says we don’t have to burn it. We don’t have to use our hard earned money or we don’t have to freak out because, oh my gosh, someone’s not asking me to give them something back. It’s a foreign concept. Because everything that we do in life has some sort of give-and-take to it.

What is this thing that we don’t have to give anything for it? What is this thing that is just being handed to me and not expecting anything in return? Yes that does confuse us. We’re not used to that. But it’s such an amazing gift, why wouldn’t we take it home. Even if we don’t know what to do with it right now, we have it in our grass, it’s something that we are allowed to own without giving something in return. All he wants is us to say “I don’t know what this is that you’re giving me, it’s confusing me, I think it’s wonderful, help me learn how to put this gift into action in my life.“ 

His love for you is unconditional. There are no strings attached.

a walk

Livy is in her counseling session, I decided to take a walk outside, the smell of Bruce blue spruce trees, dragonflies flying everywhere, cabbages in the field, the birds flew away when I got close to the last tree. Second time back-and-forth It started drizzling, so I just kept going, zig-zagging in and out of the trees. By the time I got back to the back door, it was coming down steady but still light rain.

I am in the basement of the building pacing back-and-forth :-) I will finish my walk :-)

She's got about another 20 minutes in her session. 

I just found an app to work on my blog :-) so now I can write my blog and save a draft on my phone, and then just add photo or video or whatever later on and publish it. :-) #Grateful #ItsTheSmallThings #socialmedia

autism and anxiety- my life mix 8-2-19

8-2-19

OMGOSH today was very mentally overwhelming and exhausting. I didn’t do much physically, because there was no momentum or inspiration from anything. 

mom- coming over to not?

Jenn’s project

Jazmine going to mom heger’s house <—- at garage sale

time? 6ish Emilee too

Alivia (spend time)

Zoe- library project + cuddle time.

Brian- A2?

bike place

meijer

REI

target

best buy

5guys.

book writing

book reading

Do I turn off the AC?

means opening windows and putting the fan in ours.

the right way

sheets on bed?

fold laundry now?

don’t through brian’s laundry at him, leave it in the pile.

take care of your piles as you go

I_> i can’t do that.

i put all my piles together +

THEN put them away.

kids did laundry

w/o yelling,

something’s wrong,

i’m confused.

I made 1 cup of coffee and refilled the diffuser +turned it on.

WIN!

couldn’t read my devotion w/o interruption.

slammed my hands on the table. 

closed my book- overwhelmed.

put it away.

———————————————————————

I’m @ the library + Zoe’s art project is outside.

I made sure to turn in the reading slips for the grand prize. 

WIN!

the doors are loud every time they open.

the sound of someone on the computer, clicking, shifting in their seat.

The sound of someone checking books out- click, beep, paper shifting, voices.

copy machine- humming + beeping.

someone speaking.

feels like the ping pong ball in my brain is slowing down. the hard, fast bouncing doesn’t hurt anymore.

I’m hungry.

hydration.

Brian decided I needed to help him take the top off the Jeep when I was supposed to leave. 

Actually, after I was supposed to leave. 

I can hear the traffic on the main road beside us, especially the trucks. 

It sounds like a storm.