3-31-19 allergies and 24 hour sickness

To an EDS body.. these things are multiplied. 

The allergies that flared up last Sunday have finally almost gone away. Had sneezing and dry eyes and congestion and pain in my nasal cavity for at least 5 days straight.. oils, tea, showers, vicks, more tea, rest, lots and lots of tissues. And these are allergies I just learned I had last year. Wow. 

I went to a baby shower yesterday for a lady i've known since senior year in high school.. almost 20 years now. (wow!!) Had amazing mexican food.. tomales, empanadas, fresh tortillas with chicken and guacamole salsa, and awesome pink punch. 

this morning I woke up at 4 with a headache and the runs. wore sunglasses in the house for a while. was super nauseous, chills.. no fever. 😷😪🙊🙈

Used a cold wash cloth on my neck, had tea, coffee, water, chicken noodle soup and crackers, a banana, figs and walnuts, pickles and american cheese (thinking it might have been a bad POTS episode, to no avail), heated neck massager, heated blanket.

lots of resting, lots of movies, lots of being bored and uncomfortable. i wanted to read so bad, but i just couldn't. 

i'm feeling much better now 15 hours later. 

well.. Sunday is a day of rest. ;) lol. 

Thankful that I could call in grandpa to pick up Zoe from a birthday party.. I did have enough strength to drive her there before it got nasty. 

My oldest daughter is at a friends house and has stayed two nights now. Might be staying another. 🤷

thankful to be able to stay home.. missed church *sigh. 

At least I can pull up the recording online and listen to it later! 

ilovemychurch.org 

3-28-19 aftermath of my daughters birthday party at the barn

I have a feeling I dislodge one or two of my vertebrae every couple days. It's very common for me to feel it pop when I stretch before bed.
                         It's like where the cervical and thoracic spine meet.

I've been blowing my nose a lot lately and now the left side throat lymph node is sore.
(I did figure out that even with my allergy meds, I was riding a horse at the party.. i'm allergic to horses, and EDS making my body very floppy... Also, I went and uncovered the leaves from my garden without thinking about the mold in the leaves.. which i'm also allergic to, and i didn't have a mask on. Oops)

I'm so sore and slow today. While Zoe was getting ready for school, I had her feed the cats because I could barely walk. I crawled up the stairs to wake her up and clean the cat litter.

I was crying everything hurt so bad, before Brian left for work he came over to hug me and I was seated doing some PT. He wrapped his arm around me and said "i'm gonna lift now," and got me standing and just held me while I cried on him and held onto his shirt for dear life.

I'm wearing my tens unit today like an accessory, it's attached to my lower back.

My hips are throbbing, I need to ice them and use my cane.

I have my knee braces on in order to give my legs some stability.

(figured out i had subluxed my right hip, popped back in after the tens unit and some stretching and moving. also found a tender spot on my left foot and left lower shin.. from where I had put my foot in the stirrup and swung up onto the horse.)

But some pain is worth it.
And I wouldn't have changed a thing.

BFF- redefined

I hear my daughters say BFF all the time.. "she's my new BFF", "she doesn't want to be my BFF", "she's not my BFF anymore".

as they grow, i explain to them what BFF means.. they know it's Best Friend Forever. 

but do they really think this person is going to be their Best Friend.. Forever?

forever is a long time. 

let me explain something. 

and i'm going to use my own life as an example. 

BFF wasn't a thing when i was young.. at least not as much as it is now. EVERYone is calling EVERYone BFF now.. or so it seems. 🤷

BEST FRIEND: I hope you don't think this means you're going to have a lovey dovey relationship forever, because that's not what a best friend is. Yes, of COURSE there are many amazing times where you laugh with each other, at each other.. create new memories and inside jokes.. and talk about everyday things.. "my flowers are blooming", "i just got groceries", "omgosh that homework was insane", "did you see what he did on that episode?". 

BUT a BEST friend is also going to call you out on your crap. Why?

Because they want you to be the best version of you. 

They want you to grow and evolve and change. 

People who are afraid of change don't generally have close relationships.. because *ding ding* they're going to be challenging. 

A BEST friend is someone who is going to question you and challenge you. 

Is also going to be the one who you share clothing with, and neither of you knows who actually owns it. LOL

(psst.. it's mine)

FOREVER: if you and this person can make it through 5 years of each others highs and lows.. then you're on the right track. 

Your relationship will be challenged with other friends who come and go, it will be challenged with different view points, different beliefs, and (more now and than ever) differences in sexual preference and self identification. Honestly, I think relationships aren't "going the distance" as much as they used to because there's so much more diversity than is openly shown and spoken about now and than ever, and it's hard to wrap your head around it. I know for me, I've had so many life experiences now, i've had friends who were straight open up about LGBTQ lifestyle changes. I've had friends go through life altering circumstances with family and friends and health and children and religion.. I could go on and on, but i'm sure you get the point. 

A relationship that can be open to challenges, changes and diversity... is rare. Marriages even don't stand the test of time a lot more now because of these things as well. 

I am so blessed with my close relationships.. I have two best friends. 

My husband is my rock. He is there, no matter what. Whether I have a panic attack and run away from home, or whether I am in pain, or i'm having a good day and want to go on a bike ride or work in the yard.. He is there. He truly is a rock for me, for better or for worse, as we change, we stay together.. we choose to love each other, no matter what. He brings laughter to my life, he's the other half of my brain, we both love motorcycles (i've always wanted a purple Harley) and bonfires and movies and we share the same beliefs. We are equal partners. We do our best to enjoy life to the fullest, and we still date. :) I can fart and burp in front of him and he just laughs. I'm never made to feel bad about my weaknesses, he always wants to help. He considers it a privilege to push me in my wheelchair. He likes to say "it's the only time i can push her around" lol. :) We love doing projects together in our home and going out for ice cream.

just because lol.. this is us.. never a dull moment

our on a friends boat

hot air balloon ride in Arizona

hey it's Elvis! also in Arizona

when he dropped me off at the airport to go to Colorado

motorcycle date weekend

our wedding in 2003

I have another best friend that i met the year before I met my husband.. and our souls clicked from day 1. We are so similar and so different. She is short, I am tall. She is an atheist, I am a Christian. Funny thing.. we got married a month apart from each other, our birthdays are a month apart from each other, and our children were born around the same time. LOL.  She is vegan, I am not, but she opened my eyes to a different way of living and thinking, and I'm grateful for it. Ironically, we were both born with the same disorder (Ehlers Danlos, hyper mobility type) and researched it, found out about it and were diagnosed within the same few years! We love life together. We can say anything to each other, things we couldn't say to our husbands, even. Be both love tattoos and nature and are both raising all girls and hanging clothes out to dry and both have anxiety, depression and we both love coffee. We will try on crazy clothes at thrift stores and craft and drink wine. We have the deepest respect for each other.

I wouldn't trade either one of these for the world. 

our finger prints.. branded for life

coffee shop moment.. PS i gave her those earrings

prom alternative in youth group

junior year at the mall

when i got to Colorado to visit her

maid of honor dresses for each others wedding

a sample of a conversation with her lol 😂😂

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Me

I am..

beautiful.

I am slender.

I am healthy but I am sick.

I am intelligent.

I struggle, I am depressed and anxious.

I am a good mother.

I am the best I can be and I always want to be better.
Tomorrow is a new day.

Though we don't know when our last breath will be, I will continue to move forward.

Sometimes I get stuck, and can't move.

But I fight,
      And I bend,
           And I curl up in a ball and bawl.

Then a hand helps me up.
      And helps me realize who I am.. again.

I am loved.
I am loving.
I am strong.

I am brave.
I am a fighter and I am a lover.

I am unique.
I am rare.

I am creative.
I am created.

I want to be purposeful.

I want to be open, even when I want to be closed.

I cry.
I laugh.

I take care of myself the best I can.

I make decisions.. sometimes bad, sometimes good.. but they are mine.
They are my decisions.
And I will own them.

Because nobody is perfect.
We all want to just be.

I am careful and I am carefree.
There's a little girl inside of me.
Sometimes she likes to play.. sometimes she just wants her blanket.

But I am an adult.
And I am responsible.
And sometimes that's just too much weight.

But again..
I am strong.
I am courageous.

And I am learning.
And I am stepping.. one at a time.. one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Further into what I don't know yet.

But I trust.
That my steps will not falter if I follow where I believe I should go.
My ankle might twist and sprain.
My knees will pop, my thumbs and wrists and back and hips will become sore from staying upright.
From using my walking sticks.

I am on a journey.
And I am me.

I'm a zebra in a dazzle.

And I am here.

The Wounded Woman- Embraced by God's Healing Presence

So i've been reading through a book called The Wounded Woman, it's written by a Christian author so I can easily understand where they are coming from and how they process through things with their faith in Christ.

The part I read this morning was radical for me, and really made me realize some things about my own personal trauma processes. It's going to be hard for me to summarize these things, so i'm just going to copy these paragraphs word for word, and then give you a recap of my "Ahah!'s" at the end. I'm also going to ad underlines and markings where things stuck out to me, so you can see my processing of this information.

This book is about struggling with a working through the many challenges that can cause wounds and pain in our lives. It's definitely one i would recommend, i found mine on Amazon! And better yet, my local Christian book store price matched it and ordered it for me. :)

Here goes!

    Even though we may believe God is with us, sometimes it's a struggle to sense His presence -- particularly when we experience a dark night of the soul. Pain has a way of blunting our awareness of God's nearness--just when we need that assurance the most. In our efforts to cope, we can become so preoccupied with the human realm-- what we see, taste, feel, and hear--that we lose sight of the spirit realm. We forget that the very essence of who we are is spirit. 
    God has resources to meet our needs that can only be accessed in and through His Spirit. It's safe to say that many times we don't experience God's provision because we don't tap into His supply line. Instead, we act as if we have to make our own way and our healing is all up to us. We recoil in our pain, pulling away from others and from God. In our self-reliance we assume that if we hold to a list of dos and don'ts and execute the right combination of self-help strategies, then things will get better. 
    I supposed this is one way to approach recovery.
    But not a very good one.
    In my personal and professional experience, this sort of attitude can end up prolonging and complication the healing process. Recovery efforts apart from God's healing grace typically deliver less than satisfying results. 
    ....
    ....
    The breakthroughs were supernatural. That's the only way I can explain it. They came as wounded women spent time alone with God, crying out to Him in their pain, praying for wisdom and insight, reading His Word, and asking Him to do the impossible.
    **And He has. Again and again and again.**
    💚In my one personal season of suffering, it has been my interactions with God that have accelerated more healing than anything else. Significant exchanges occurred between my spirit and God's Spirit when we met together. Healing came as I purged tension from my body and soul through prayers wakes. It came through reading His Word and taking time to listen to what God said to me as we fellowshipped together in my darkness. It came as He realigned my feelings with my faith. Had I not intentionally and regularly opened my heart to the Spirit of God, I'd probably still be immobilized by overwhelming sadness and fear.💚

Wow. 
Just read it over and over again. 
What an amazing feeling of freedom I have from my traumatic experiences. 
      If I have not followed the voice (my instinct, what God's spirit was speaking into my soul) to reach out to certain people and to listen to what they had to say, and to push through my fear of speaking and asking for help, I would still be stuck with these problems from my past weighing me down. Depression is a real thing. Anxiety is a real thing. And these are so amplified by the devil talking to us about our fears.. It's almost impossible to break free of it without spiritual guidance.
     We aren't meant to do it alone.
     We are meant to reach out and surround ourselves with like-minded people who can be uplifting and be confidant's.

from church 2/24/19

Maybe you need to stop going to church.

God's highest calling is for you to BE the church.

"Our bodies have many parts, but the main parts make up only one body when they are all put together. So it is with the "body" of Christ. Each of us is a part of the one body of Christ."
1 Corinthians 12:12-13a

Now here is what i am trying to say: All of you together are the one body of Christ, and each one of you is a separate and necessary part of it.
1 Corinthians 12:27


What is your part of the body?
Are you being an active part of the body?