what we think is real, but it doesn't tell the truth.

what you think is real
feelings are real
feel them
allow them space
but then find out why they are there
and find the truth behind them.

feelings, themselves, are fickle. and they lie.

what we consider valuable

from the book- The Last Arrow

i'm just going to leave this here and let you know mull it over. it's very personal what each person values.

if i look at my Pinterest boards and see the boards with the highest number of pins.. this shows me what i spend most of my time and effort on. (i know you're curious, so i'll just tell you.. they are "cats, fun, food and relationships".)

me versus tv

My husband mentioned the fact of why we were looking at headphones, he wanted over ear and was wondering if I would use them too. Then he said “like in the show atypical, he wears headphones not to listen to music but to muffle the sounds around him, like you, right?” Oh my gosh, babe, thank you for understanding!

it's a game changer to have him slowly seeing and piecing together that autistic me is real and that autistic me is acceptable. <3

this makes my heart smile and sink into a pillow.

define healthy

this stems from a conversation i had with a friend of mine about how we view each other's lives and our definitions of healthy.

we all think things about life and sometimes we are irritated or disagree

healthy: beneficial to one's physical, mental, or emotional state : conducive to or associated with good health or reduced risk of disease

since this definition is based on one person, i find agreement in this that "healthy" is a different state or meaning for each single person. 

find your healthy. 

Make up before the TenCate party

My oldest daughter asked me before a family Christmas party if I was going to wear makeup (reminded me, really). She knows that I like to cover up my scars when I go to large gatherings. (Large meaning more than a couple people.)

I love that she knows little things like that about me. 

every kids dream

My oldest daughter asked me in the car the other day, what store I got my wedding ring from? I told her Zales and she said "so every kiss DOESN'T begin with K". That made me laugh :) smarty pants.

Then my husband said something during the week about dreams, every adults dream (I don't remember what it was). But he said every KIDS dream was Disney Land. "What kid doesn't want to go to Disney Land!" He was recalling a time when he was young that his mom surprised him and his sister after school with a trip to the air port.

But.. I beg to differ.
Every kids dream isn't Disney Land.
My dream when I was little was just to have a quiet room to read, and then time to ride my bike to my one neighbors house, or down to the creek.
I did have a dream of being a teacher or writing books.
But no.. never Disney Land.

Daily fun

Laying on the couch to rest after I went to my moms house this morning to help her put up some Christmas decor (borrowed her knee wrap.. couldn’t bend without pain). Bent over to take a chip from my snack bowl.. ope!.. muscle cramp left oblique.

Using the steps at home, so much pain in my knees and pressure. I had to text my daughters friend while they were volunteering at church so she could go get my other daughter and come out to the car, because I was too embarrassed to use my cane.
That and I had already taken a shower and didn't have much energy left.

10:15 pm
got some receipts processed, and looked up some SSD and SSI information. about 4 weeks until I get my first direct deposit "income check".

still seems strange. but now i'm exhausted.. my eyes are watering soo bad. i have to have a snack or i won't sleep tonight. i hate when i get hungry just before bed.

my husband laughing

I’ve noticed since I started becoming more comfortable with showing my real self, my husband has been laughing more and/or made it easier for me to have sarcastic fun. There are still things that I’m finding are over the edge or maybe unintentionally racist or unacceptable. Figuring this masking/autism thing out. I love his laugh. :) 

what's one thing in your life that you're proud of?

honestly.. i hard a hard time with this, i think mainly because i have a hard time feelings things.

i have a condition (that's part of being autistic) that's called 

and then there's also


so between not knowing what i'm feeling, the inability to put those feelings into words, and the loss of feeling joy in things that i usually do..

it's hard for me to feel proud of something.
i guess i'm proud of myself for researching and learning these things?

gotta do what I gotta do

it’s frustrating dealing with not having the energy to do things i want to, things i like to do. at least at this point, i’ve gotten through my friends sewing order, so i can feel relief from that. and i do. 

so now, it’s just encouraging myself to keep up with the chores and read part of a new book, but then i go to write about something on my blog, and i don’t have feelings that i can pin down, or i don’t know how to relay what i’m feeling. there’s a numbness inside.. and it’s unfortunate and frustrating. 

finding a bit of release using my blog.. 

plugging through 

A different point of view

I’m going to start with the fact that my husband just lost a cousin. We attended her funeral, her parents were there... my husband decided to stop over at his aunt and uncles house after work yesterday to just chat and he was there for a while and said he could easily have stayed for more hours. :)

On the way home when he called me, he mentioned that after talking to his uncle about health problems and their life and my problems and stuff, he was thinking about how he has a learning disability and I have a lot of physical and mental issues, and jazmine has ADHD like him, and Alivia’s on the autism spectrum and our youngest daughter might have some mental problems.... he feels like he married into the medical jackpot.

Seems like he's right. :P
Who would have thought that what we've found out would be such a reality for a family.

It makes a difference

 I’ve been struggling more recently with my depression disorder and I wasn’t planning on going out at all this week except for my psychology appt. but then I remembered I have to take three papers to SSA, I have to get supplies for my daughters school project and out snake needs a feeder mouse . So I went out, I started with me husbands office to print out some things. When I got to the dollar tree, I decided to go to the coffee house beside it to try to calm my nerves because the SSA office made me very anxious. As I was checking out at the dollar tree and the cashier asked how I was and I gave a deep breathe and said “I’m ok”... and he responded. He didn’t blow it off, he responded and said “it doesn’t seem like you’re ok”.

I just got home 5 minutes ago (a normal 1 hour round trip took me over 2 hours to complete) and I called the dollar tree and he picked up the phone. I told him I really appreciate that he was genuinely concerned and said he noticed my non-ok-ness (ew, cringing at my made up word), that I was struggling and that it helps to have someone say something. 

me-my-ownership and comparison

i feel bad that i find myself comparing disability and ways of life.

i follow people on instagram that struggle with the same things i do in many different ways of living, and it's calming to see that it varies in visibility.

but then when i think about my best friend/soul mate and that she has the same disabling condition (but different comorbidities) and she struggles through a full time job (makes it work), while i have been pushing through to get disability income because my function is more disabling mentally..

i feel bad that i don't work.
and i thought i was over that.
but maybe it's true what they say about grief.. you never really "get over it", you just learn to be ok with the new reality.

I also think when it's someone you're close to, and you feel like you should be in a similar boat or living the same way..

at least for me, there's a tension inside of me. i'm not sure it's comparison or if it's just my struggle to be ok with my condition or lack of capability.

--
it's very trying for me to wrap my mind around.
and i find that i can't.

i notice the more i think of it, the harder it feels to move past the awkwardness inside.

i'll try to push it out of my mind and come to grips with all people being different and needing different things at different times.
also that where i am is valid, and to affirm it for myself; reassure myself of my own validity.

Where do you feel most at “home“

The relaxed definition of at home means to be in harmony with your surroundings. For some, the idea represents a physical space — maybe a place you frequent or your own four walls. For others, that sense of peace may be best found within yourself or in the presence of someone you deeply trust.

-
i feel like for me, home is where certain people are. the people i'm comfortable with. the space itself can shift and move, i mean sure, i have a rooted solid house/home. but at the same time, i feel more "at home" curled up with my husband, or having coffee and holding hands with my BFF.. than any physical place.

lol recognition

I just realized someone in a tv show quoted a poem by Robert first I learned in high school “miles to go before we sleep” silly autistic brain :) I love hearing these things and knowing what they’re from. Random bits of information

also reminds me of when Brian and I were in New york/New Jersey last month for my uncles funeral and we took a drive upstate and i saw a tree and i randomly said "it's a chinese maple", my husband was like.. ok?

Introverts please?

very very very very ... yes :)

fun thing- i get to be a mix of things :) not just medically, but also mentally and emotionally. i'm an ambivert, which means i can be outgoing and social, but then i also really need time alone and don't want people around me.

unfortunately, this flip can happen at any time..
and being autistic as well, i can get very overwhelmed or start to have more physical touch anxiety/over stimulation very quickly. and when i can finally get out of a situation, i have to have a quiet space with nobody around to work through it until i'm ok.

last night i had a wonderful experience with a cousin-in-law. Recently she took it upon herself to do a small Bible study series with my youngest daughter, and my sister-in-laws daughter (my niece), and now that they are done with their series, we were meeting together just as ladies to talk through the experience. we met at a new coffee house in town, and my sister-in-law didn't show up (she forgot) and i was relieved that it would only be me and my cousin-in-law. not that i don't enjoy my sister-in-law but i do better in smaller groups of people. this also leads me to feeling sometimes like other people parent or shop or do "whatever" better than me, so i can feel very inadequate with no fault to anyone, that's just what my wiring leads me to, and i hate it. it was still a bit awkward to be with the cousin (i don't really know why), but it felt nice to weight the option of getting out of the house, away from the crazy of the kids, and just have coffee and a snack with someone of the same mindset and age bracket. (she's a married adult with the same faith base, so we can communicate on better levels than someone else, who might not understand.)

the problem with "small talk"

my husband @ church, people always walk by and say "hi, how are you?" and don't wait or even care for a response.

the cultural norms of small talk

not making sense to ask a person how they are if they don't stop and take the opportunity to listen to the answer, and learn more about you.

Who are you really at the Core? Week 1 Crossroads, Bah Humbug

Who are you really at the Core? 

When you strip away all the outer things, the job, the clothes, the car, the family, the haircut, the words we say and the masks we wear... 

Who are you.. really? 

sim pli fy: to make simpler; 1. to reduce to basic essentials; 2. to diminish in scope or complexity; 3. to make more intelligible. 

A Pretentious showy life is an empty life, a plain and simple life is a full life- Proverbs 13:7

* You won't say "no" to anything if you have never said "yes" to something. 

You have more choices than you think. 

When you say "yes" to something, there is a ripple effect of saying "no" to other things. 

Saving up for a car? You have to turn down pizza night and some movies and road trips in order to get there. 

*What have I said yes/no to? 

What's in my box? What is my core "yes"? 

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- Downsize your calendar.
Every deadline gives you one more reason to rush.
Choose wisely.

- Take up a slow hobby.
Reading
Meditating
Painting
etc

- Turn off technology.
The new phrase "tech free day". Use it! Keep your tv, computer, iPhone and iPad screens off.

- Invest time in people.
Sit down to dinner once a week with your family.
Go out for a walk with someone.
Take your lunch break with a coworker.
Stop by and say hi at someone's house on the way home.

1 Corinthians 9:14

• 1 Corinthians 9:14 (NIV)

  In the same way, the Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should receive their living from the gospel.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  If we are listening to the Lord and He has instructed us to preach the gospel.. should be literally be doing this as our bread and butter? 
  According to this verse written by Paul to the people in Corinth, that's exactly what we should be doing. 
  If we are called to be ministers, then we should be pursuing it like a job.. making it the only thing we do every day, all day, and reaping the seeds of living/finance/having our needs provided for through it. 
  
  
  Food for thought. For anyone who is in the ministry field.. how "into it" are you?! 

good vibes?

https://arstechnica.com/civis/viewtopic.php?t=303515

https://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2015/september/i-dont-want-your-good-vibes-i-want-prayer.html

So I have been curious because of seeing people say they will send "good vibes" to someone when they are asking for prayer, and I always wondered what the deal was with that, assuming it was someone who didn't have a faith basis.

I came up correct in that assumption.
Instead of saying "I'll pray for you" since they don't believe in the higher power of God, so therefore not believing in asking God to help, they said "sending good vibes" because they are thinking of you and holding you close to their heart, in general feeling "good vibes/vibrations" coming from within them and sending that feeling to the person who is feeling the need for support.

I can totally understand that, and have respect for that.
I'm glad I looked into it, instead of just assuming that they didn't want to "pray" per se.
I'm grateful to have my own brood of non-faith friends who still find those feelings within themselves to send to me and anyone else.

why does this "confidence" bother me so much?

I've noticed this about myself in recent years, 

it bothers me when someone says something positive about themselves out loud. 

I feel like it's cocky,

or I feel like it's not humble. 

I actually tried it once around my husband, 

I said "you're wife is awesome" using third-party confidence, 

and he said "does she know that?"

and I stopped.. because I didn't expect that response, and I didn't know what to say. 

It's irritating to me that I think of positive verbal self-confirmation

as cocky and irritating, instead of mature and confident. 

I had a thought come up that maybe it's because of my low self-confidence,

but I'm not sure that's what it is. 

I have a feeling it's because growing up,

I always thought my outward appearance should be one of humility

and to only let other people verbally praise me,

and never to verbally praise myself. 

But i'm thinking that that's "stinking thinking"

because now I have a relationship with myself that

doesn't allow myself enough personal value. 

I constantly downplay my worth

And when someone affirms me by saying how much I do

and how important what I do is

I have a hard time accepting those comments

because maybe part of me doesn't believe them. 

So when my husband says "it's because i'm awesome"

or something of the sort

I cringe, because I feel like it's a lack of humility

which I know is untrue.

thinking about a past Thanksgiving- autism related

remembering that people in my husbands side of the family were getting irritated with me because i wasn't helping in the kitchen after the meal.
and i didn't know that.
i just followed everyone downstairs and apparently the women were supposed to clean up afterwards together.

is this a thing?
or just a family tradition thing?
i had no idea.

so now, after each Thanksgiving, i make sure to help clean up afterwards, hoping I'm doing the right thing.

....
i had no idea this was social protocol

daughters' question

"mom, why do you share about your personal stuff?"

oh darling.
because if nobody ever said anything about their lives to other people, they would be so alone.
if we don't open up and share our lives, nobody else will know our struggles and our celebrations.
nobody else will have the opportunity to learn something from what we know.
nobody else will be able to share in our joy and our turmoil.
we wouldn't be able to lift each other up if we didn't share in each others lives.

why do i share about my personal stuff?
because God has called me to be open about things that just aren't spoken.
things that are generally hidden under rocks and shushed away.

mental health
chronic illness
things that we wish other people would talk about, but yet we are quiet.

because it's not just me going through it.
so many people do.. but nobody will speak.

"but it makes me uncomfortable"
if we always lived in comfort, we would never grow, we would never learn, we would never truly live. we would be under a shell as so much of life passed us by.

sometimes we need to be uncomfortable to be more, to be better.

where I find my value

i shouldn't be looking for my identity and affirmation in someone else
i don't need him to tell me i did a good job
he thanked me for helping him get his shower stuff
for getting him a drink
for driving out to get him and my daughter ice cream (they both rocked it today!)

my value and my encouragement and my sense of achievement does not come from them
SHOULD not come from them
my value is in my heavenly Father
and I am enough

what I do is just as important as what they did cleaning up the yard.
i tailored a night gown to fit
i made dinner
i fed the cats
i worked a bit on the the leaves and sticks/logs that were fallen from the tree that was cut down
i went on a hunt in the collection of clothes I have for the girls in order to properly dress them for the cold

I am enough
I do not need them to pat my back in order to feel that way
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OH MY GOSH
this actually hits on the message this morning at church!
that every part of the body matters.
the foot isn't more important than the tongue, the fingernail isn't more important than the piece of hair.
all of them are equally important.

The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up on whole body. So it is with the body of Christ.
1 Corinthians 12:12

The family is made up of many parts, and each does its part, and together they make a whole.

Complaining vs whining

Define and expand

complaining: the expression of dissatisfaction or annoyance about something

annoying: causing irritation or annoyance

whining: To produce a sustained, high-pitched, plaintive sound, as in pain, fear, or complaint.


whining to take to a valid complaint about an annoyance, and make it.. annoying. :) whining is when you combine negative selfish attitude with the expression of dissatisfaction. 

whining is annoying :) it's an abnoxious sound or appearance of someone seeming snobbish about a situation that could more than likely be dissipated or dealt with a lot easier if it was kept simpler, instead of being blown out of proportion. 

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i'll stick to my own thoughts and agendas unless otherwise provoked.

writing

writing
is nothing more or less than speaking like yourself on the page.

stop trying to pretty it up and just talk.

all writers, singers and artists suck when they start.

the struggle is to keep going.
---------
this came from an audio book we listened to on the way to and from NY this past weekend.
makes me think of my past and love for writing.

i've written things for my school newspaper
i've written poetry for myself, which i can't find the binder :(
i wrote poetry on a website (that i have since copied over to a file on my computer)
i wrote multiple papers in college (always a good grade) which i have also copied over to a file on my computer
i wrote 3 short story romances in high school, that i think i threw out when i discarded my old diary/journals :(

i did all of the advertising and the signage for my business, when i had it.

i check my husbands work before he sends things out to clients.
i work on his social media account for business.

and i'm now keeping up with this blog fairly well when i'm not exhausted and can focus, video blogging on my own new FB page, and writing other things in my spare time.

it hasn't always been pretty, honestly some things have been very cliche' and sucky.
but it's good to be able to spill out my words.

and watch them change over time.

Pick a photo and write about the time you took it

wow. this photo was from 2003, about a month after our wedding.
it was the first time i'd chopped my hair off.

i had always had it long, and i kept it long for the wedding, and then i did my first hair cut on myself. i was super proud of it and loved it a lot :)

when i had a nice flat belly. i wore these jeans and this shirt a LOT! not necessarily together, but i wore them a lot.
our first apartment together. :) in Tecumseh, MI. my hometown.
i was 21.
and i was a newlywed :)

blog text about autism testing

So I just finished with Alivia‘s autism testing. Apparently because I decided to be tested for autism the psychologist took the information in the website that I gave him herautism.com and he actually went on there and he looked through a bunch of it and he and one of the other people in the office actually took the face blindness test and he says that I should do that with Alivia. He’s finding it very interesting the things that I struggle with and noticing the traits that I have

I showed him the book that I have about living with aspergers and the Facebook group that I am in women on the autism spectrum, he wrote both of those down and he’s going to use all of these resources that I have in his diagnosing tools toolbox for other women on the spectrum :-)

Alivia has high functioning autism just like me but of course because it’s a spectrum she presents differently than I do. I have more of a mental and anxiety struggle and communication with research being a special interest as well as writing. Alivia has more of a sensory with clothing and texture with eating and being overwhelmed with too much information. She has two really good friends and her animal interest is one of her special interests.

And this morning in my appointment with my psychologist Keisha, she said that this time last year when we were meeting I have come along way. I’m starting to adapt tools that help me in daily, I am able to sort out some of my triggers now and be able to handle my anxiety before it blows up, that I’m not having as many meltdowns. Then I’m really learning who I am from the inside and I’m excepting my new place in life and my new journey very well

I am so proud of myself for becoming an advocate for my family.

God has been telling me to use my voice for other people and to be more vocal about life struggles and illnesses and mental health and the hardest part has been to see the struggles within myself and my family my children, and I have taken it upon myself to be brave no matter what anxiety does and make sure that my family is taken care of. Meaning my children have had testing I have had testing and now we are on the right track and I feel so proud of myself and I’m so thankful to God for

So thankful to God for giving me a voice and encouraging me to use it and using different avenues like devotions and people in the groups and Pinterest to help me along the way I did help me know that I am doing the right thing even though I have had pushbacks and setbacks even from people within my family

the psychologist about autism also mentioned that i make many different faces. that i’m animated. lol. 😊 he got me on a roll about my autism book. 😊 yup, i’m either super animated and verbal, or i’m quiet and simple

Psalm 139- according to illness

taking time to read through it and write down how i feel as i read through it.

must write out verses that are personal to me and replace (I and he) with my name. 

supposed to place cards with these around my home to remind me that i'm not alone. 

(let's see how far i get with this project!)

1You have searched me, Lord,

and you know me.

I'm glad HE knows me, because I don't even know myself half the time. It's a learning process for my human brain. I'm glad He has all of me figured out.

2You know when I sit and when I rise; and when i fall

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

He knows my name! He knows my every thought. He sees each tear I cry, and He hears me when I call. (song)

4Before a word is on my tongue

you, Lord, know it completely.

5You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

7Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

You are omnipresent. I never have to fear that You aren't with me. (Your rod and your staff the comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall dwell in Your house forever.)

8If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

No matter where I go in my travels or in my life, You're always going to be there, even when I don't feel certain, You will pick me up.

11If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

12even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

13For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

He knew that I would be the first girl in the family in 32 years, just like my mother. And he knew exactly when my hair would start turning gray.

17How precious to me are your thoughts,139:17 Or How amazing are your thoughts concerning me God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.

19If only you, God, would slay the wicked!

Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20They speak of you with evil intent;

your adversaries misuse your name.

21Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,

and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

22I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.

23Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Lord take away any negative thoughts or judgment I would have towards people who do not know You. It is not my place. Let me love them in the way that you love them. Like a lost sheep, leading them to a shepherd. 

NAKED biblical sex and marriage project

I bet the title caught your attention, huh? 

I will be referencing this web post, just so you know. Crosswalk is an awesome organization, chock full of great information, and hits the nail on the head in so many ways, on so many different topics. I recommend you read the link, it covers much more than I do. But they do a MUCH better job of it, too. :) 
https://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/why-christian-marriages-need-more-sex-than-ever.html

Physical touch in marriage is essential!
We are feeling more and more entitled to our own body's and us, me, mine.. consent is good. But it's being twisted. And more marriages are falling apart.
That's what this blog post is about.
Physical touch, sex, intimacy and marriage.
The way God designed it.

The way I grew up was that sex is bad. Don't do it. So starting out life by telling kids that sex is bad.. is bad. Sex isn't bad. Sex is good. It feels good, it's meant for pleasure and for reproduction. God made it perfect.. when used correctly. That's right I said used. Sex is a pleasurable use of our bodies. It can even be called a tool, at times. A tool to show love, respect, appreciation, passion, partnership, connection.. and more!
But tools can be used the wrong way.
And just like a hand tool, if you do use it properly, it can be broken, and cause disaster.

Let me touch on that teaching kids thing, again. And we SHOULD! We NEED TO! Teaching our kids about physical intimacy is critical because of the schools they grow up in, the other people that are involved in their lives, situations they will find themselves in. They need to know things, they need to learn about how God created intimacy, what it's for, and how to protect themselves against anyone who would defile the perfection of God's plan for them.
note: HANDS! OFF!
Self defense classes, how to use mace or pepper spray. But also how to have healthy relationships, how to be confident in who they are and what they believe in.

In Genesis, God literally sanctified marriage, saying that the man and the woman should leave their parents and cleave to each other and build their own household.
Sex in marriage brings the two people together to become one flesh. That's how it was created.

In a marriage relationship, each person is to give the other all of themselves. It's not a 50/50 commitment, it's a 100/100 commitment. You can't give the other person parts of yourself, and leave the rest out of the relationship. If you are not fully capable of committing 100% to a relationship, you should not be married.
Our bodies are each others, our minds are each others. We are supposed to be open books with each other. Now believe me, I have my fair share of trouble with this. It's very hard for me to be open and honest completely. It's also very hard for me to allow my husband to touch me whenever he wants. There are definitely boundaries, and having respect for each other; at no time should anybody feel like they have to "put up with" something that makes them uncomfortable or afraid. This is why communication is so important.
I have autism so there's a whole different book of learning there. BUT when you're in relationships, these are things we learn about each other! And we do change over time as well! WE ALL DO! Being with each other and learning about each other all life long is an amazing journey, and it's a privilege we get to have as married couples.
Another reason to be 100% ready before you jump in. :) Not trying to change the other person, but loving them wholly as they are. Accepting them, flaws and all, and wanting to grow along with them.

Now, there is also a difference between having sex and making love. Yes, sometimes it can feel like "ugh, fine, i'll have sex with you" because intimacy is not all about us. It's about the other person and what they need and want as well. But there are times where that intimacy can also be mind-blowing and you can spend time alone and have the best connection, and making love is just... unfathomable, in the best way.

Enter also the life of chronic illness. Like I said, along lifes road, there will be things to learn about each other constantly, and love live changes will be part of that. If you have to find new ways of being intimate, that's ok!
Now i'm definitely NOT saying to introduce things like porn, erotica, any other non-biblical stimuli. There is absolutely no place for these in a Christian marriage. They are stumbling blocks, and there is no way at all we are to submit one another to anything that could make us stumble.. physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically or other. But using things like maybe a book of sex positions or toys, or things that can heighten the physical feeling if used by the other partner.. there ARE many ways to enhance a biblical marriage.
Heck.. lay naked beside each other and read Song of Solomon. ;) Or play "STRIP song of songs"!

Physical attraction as well will change over time!
Let's be real.. we will not always think each other is attractive. Our bodies get older and wrinklier and start resembling dried fruit. That's another reason for other levels of the relationship to be deeply connected. Sometimes it's going to be more about what the other person says to us, or maybe the way our hands connect, or just the way we look at each other. Or even just close your eyes and feel their lips on yours.

And we can do this more than once! We can do this over, and over, and over, and.. over.. and.. (you get the point). Have fun with it! When you're married, there are going to be countless times and countless way you can show each other physical intimacy before God decides to take you home. And He BLESSES the way you love each other!

Pretend one of your emotions is a person. What are they like?

one?

fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy (thinking of the movie Inside Out)

i think i would like to describe.. sadness.

it's downtrodden
it's dragging
it's almost unemotional

sadness is a spilled cup of coffee on your robe on a rainy day
sadness is when the sun doesn't sparkle on the snow

but as a person?
sadness as a person
would wear gray clothing
step in puddles
would eat their lunch on a dirty bench and drop their sandwich in the mud

sadness as a person
would have chipped fingernails
would have no umbrella on a rainy day

sadness would come home to a one room apartment to find out your pet ran away
and then find out your favorite leftover food went bad

chronic illness bible study- answers that won't fit in my notebook :)

do you think the condition of your body affects the condition of your mind? explain
I definitely do. like when you're body feels pain, it creates limited brain function. when your blood doesn't pump the way it should, it creates foggy thinking, feeling sick and dizzy. and these are just two things that can affect you. 

have you every told anyone about your struggles? how did they respond?
(think of someone Godly to share your struggles with- my friend Chelsea)
my husband- he's trying to wrap his head around it. he likes to learn, so he'll ask me for simpler versions of it in order for him to be able to absorb it and talk about it to other people. (i'm into the details and medical terminology and stuff, he's not)
my BFF- she feels a lot of the same things i do. she also lives with chronic illness, so she understands. 
my friend Chelsea- another female friend that i can talk to, who is able to share my faith journey as well. 

do you feel alone?
is your loneliness: emotional
(the people around you ignore or reject your suffering)
yes i think so. 
especially being a parent, trying to be consistent with what i tell my kids, what we tolerate as parents, remembering pans and electronic rules and foods, etc. i think it's harder because up until a couple years ago, i was basically an active mom, and then more problem started piling on. we've had to have some talks because my communication and my brain power is being hit pretty heavy. i'm needing to ask for help for things, and i'm expecting the other people in the house to help pick up that slack. i have anxiety and depression adding to my physical and mental and psychological health, so yeah. it can be very emotionally lonely and draining.

for you, what is the hardest part of being alone?
the fact that i can't always talk to people and have them understand. even the people i connect with deeply, i can't always just be myself and talk about any of the things i deal with. i just feel like there's a lot i want to talk about or topics to bring up, and there's a verbal wall. (that's one reason i like having my blog and the ability to do a live video on my FB page)

do you feel you have to pretend you are fine to those around you? why or why not?
sometimes. because i feel like it would sound like whining, even though i just like to speak things out of my knowledge bank, just as information. being autistic, i like information and i like to learn it and speak it. but i can be a bit long winded about it as well. 

have you talked with God about your feelings loneliness? why or why not?
you know, until you said something just now, i don't think i have. i'm not sure why. i've talked to him about lots of things, being there for other people i know, helping them through hard illness days, walking with my husband through his time of searching, walking with my kids as they navigate public school as baby christians.. 

but no. i haven't talked to him much, if at all, about my feelings of loneliness. 
whoops. 

why is this so easy to forget?

long distance relationship attempt

When I was New York this past weekend for my uncles funeral, I saw an old friend of mine and gave him a big hug.

I remember looking forward to seeing him every year when we visited grandma for christmas. We just clicked.

As we got a little older, teenagers, i think we could both tell there was an attraction there. It was awkward but we were still friends.
For the last year or two of high school, we tried to make a long distance relationship work. We wrote back and forth, attempting to be cute and romantic, writing poetry for each other. I'm just hoping that I never broke his heart, because i'm not good at picking up on certain cues or reading things correctly.
The last time I went up there with my immediate family, Brian and I were dating. For some reason, I feel like I knew I would never really see Andrew again.
I feel like that's why I wanted to kiss him. We were all sitting in the car on the way to drop one of us off, and all the other siblings were egging it on, too. We looked at each other kind of cock-eyed like *sigh. why not. We are basically saying goodbye anyways.
So we did. We kissed, leaning across the car seats from each other. It was weird, awkward, wet, totally incorrectly timed, basically cementing the fact that we weren't meant to be.

Even now, though, I do have feelings for him. Kind of like bittersweet, "wish it would have worked out" kind of feelings, but also good knowing that he has a wife and kids and a good life. That's also why I have taken him and another guy friend off my Facebook. Because when you have a relationship with someone, a deep connection, that doesn't ever completely go away.

I think it might be different for me as well, knowing that deep connections don't happen for me like they do with other people.
As an autistic female, deep relationships don't ever break. When we do actually bond with someone on a more intimate level (intimate in different definitions of the term), there's a strand that's never broken.

But it was very good to see him and I made a bee-line to hug him. Not sure if that was appropriate, but whatever.

anxiety- regular versus disorder

on our trip to NY recently for a funeral, my husband had some problems with his anxiety while on the road around a lot of vehicles, mainly semi's. you could tell he was getting irritated and nervous. once he got through it was fine.

and i continued thinking about it for a while. i asked how he was doing about 10 minutes down the road, and he was like "oh, i already forgot about it. i'm fine."

his nervousness was gone quickly, and manifested more like annoyance and frustration and anger.
-----

we were talking about praying out loud, i wanted to have him pray before we left. he was frustrated with me because faith is something he is struggling with right now, and he's not in the right frame of mind to be able to feel ok praying, let alone out loud.
i have a feeling that i pushed him to pray out loud because 1. i feel like it's encouraging him to keep trying. 2. is it because i'm uncomfortable praying out loud? i need to work on that.

he's over it and i'm still apologizing.

10 minutes later- i know he appreciates what i'm doing but i'm going about it the wrong way.
-----

i felt nervous and awkward for hours. after a while he took my hand and held it, and then twined his fingers in mine, and i was able to relax a bit.

when i rested my head on the dash on my pillow, he rubbed my spine. this made me be able to relax a bit more.

on the trip- finding me in the middle

i got 3 semi's to honk their horns :)
my husband just laughed.
my childish joy
my smile and giggles

a lot of cow farms and a long line of laundry

i found myself pointing out little details of things, or at least seeing them and realizing that i'm noticing them.

i found joy in the warm of the sink water and the hot air dryer at the rest stop.

i told brian and random fact about a tree outside the OCC store. (chinese maple)

brian took me to see my grandma's house and i took a photo of it from the road, and went down the tiny trail to the waterfall and the river and the rocks. such a wonderful place. i walked on the rocks, i got a panorama photo of the river/waterfall/wall. it looked just like i remembered it. on Waldron Terrace in Sloatsburg.

i wore headphones on the way home to muffle the sounds around me.
i used the neck pillow because i've had a lot of neck pain from all the vertical movement.. walking, driving, eating, etc.

my pen is a good fidget. i like to click it. :)

i just learned that highway exits are numbered by miles.

i either always take the bathroom stall that's second, or the one that needs to be flushed. and if i can, i turn the TP to the right way. (why can't people just push the flush button?)

i waved "hi" to another driver, he looked very sullen and seemed to be slightly lifted after that. my husband was like "why did you do that?" :)

psychological life

chronic anxiety and depression.. my face doesn't show that. my face won't show that. not unless you see in my safe zone at home. 

it's pushing myself to do a chore everyday so i don't feel like a failure.
it's making sure my kids get to appointments and events on time so i feel a sense of accomplishment.
it's getting to bed time (if i can peel myself off the couch)- even if i'm laying in bed perusing my phone because i can't fall asleep even though i'm exhausted from my multiple chronic illnesses.
it's setting goals for myself like getting all the dishes done in a day.
it's asking for help when i just need to be by myself *tag, you're it, parent duty*
it's putting myself in my craft area and giving myself a timer and see what i can get my hands on in that time frame.
it's lighting a candle and getting dressed so i at least feel "ready" to do something with my day.
it's opening the door when the bus comes and breathing the fresh air, and sometimes stepping out there for a minute so i can listen to the sounds of the road, of the train, of the trees and animals waking up, the scents of the season.
it's sitting curled up with a cat and/or a snake and a blanket, because that's my happy place.
it's putting on a bit of makeup because then i feel a bit refreshed and presentable, even just to myself.
it's saying "ok God, you woke me up today. let me see something in it that means you're here". 

hard
exhausted
blessed
tired
numbing
mindless
pressing on
- looking forward to seeing my psychologist again this week, even though i dont feel like talking.

Northridge Church online notes- the series "shoes"

"wing tips"

John 1:14 NIV
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

empathy= your hurt is my hurt (i feel your pain)

sympathy= I feel bad for you. i can't relate, but i'm sorry for your loss. 

Luke 19- the story of Zaccheus

Jesus stepped into his shoes and walked to his house and understood him. 

"flip flops" 

Jesus "the shoes I wear are full of grace and truth"

we can't just speak the truth (no filter)

we can't just speak grace (don't like conflict)

we have to speak truth in grace, and have to use grace in truth. 

growth never happens in the comfort zone. 

{I love you so much, I love you where you are. 

But I love you so much, I can't let you stay there.}

serve one another in love. 

we abuse grace and use it to do whatever we want. we abuse relationships, we use people. "oh they'll forgive me", "God knows I sin, it's no big deal"

don't TRY to be interesting

BE interesting

BE active

MAKE change

spiritual change always starts with relational commitment. you have to be committed to that relationship for it to change. (relationship with Jesus, relationship with significant other, relationship with family members, siblings, friends)