um.. thanks.. but.. - my Autistic life

“You play the flute so well, you should be professional.“

“You got such beautiful skin and eyes, you should be a model.“ 

“You have such a beautiful voice, you should do it for a living.“

“You do an amazing job with nails, you should go to beauty school. “ 

These things just make me blush, not want to speak or give a reason for why these things aren’t that big of a deal. Make myself seem small because I feel small.

Downplaying what I'm good at.

Because of the unease that I feel anytime someone compliments me or says something good about me, sometimes I choose to sabotage myself in the form of hiding what I’m good at or deflecting the praise to something else. I have never been comfortable with people telling me I’m good at something. Probably because I’m always afraid of being prideful, most likely a trauma response to being drilled with the idea of being humble to the extreme. When I’m in the mindset/frame of mind of healing, I say thank you and feel joy. But there are quite a few moments still when I feel the need to give a reason or to say it’s because of something else, not because of myself. These are self-destructive tendencies that I know I will struggle with my whole life. Thankful for a God who forgives me when I fall prey to putting down the things that he has blessed me with. When I simplify and brush off the talents that he has entrusted me with.

Working on just saying "thank you" and accepting the positivity, letting it feed my soul.

Changing Patterns

Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

As the world changes, time and time again, if we are to call ourselves followers of Christ, we must remain in Biblical truth. This may require changing things in our lives that go against everything around us. Lean into community with the Word and the body of Believers. 

What is the "upper room discourse"?

(Please note that the title “Upper Room Discourse” is simply a term that Bible scholars use to designate a portion of Scripture. It is not found in the text of Scripture itself in much the same way that chapter and verse divisions have been added later and are not the result of inspiration.)

An upper room would have been on the roof of a typical home and may have been open-air or covered by some sort of canopy. It would have been accessible from the outside of the home, so Jesus and His disciples could have entered and exited without disturbing the family who owned the home. The term upper room is not found in John, but Mark and Luke both identify the location of the final meal together as an upper room (KJV) that a homeowner allowed them to use."

www.gotquestions.com

John 14 

Jesus Comforts His Disciples

1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. 

2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?

3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 

4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”

5 Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

Jesus the Way to the Father
6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7 If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”

Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit
8 Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.”
9 Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? 

10 Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. 

11 Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves.

12 Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. 

13 And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 

14 You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 1

6 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. 

18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 

19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 

21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

22 Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?”
23 Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. 

24 Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.
25 “All this I have spoken while still with you. 

26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 

27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
28 “You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. 

29 I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. 

30 I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me, 

31 but he comes so that the world may learn that I love the Father and do exactly what my Father has commanded me.

“Come now; let us leave.

“turn it on its head”

"To misinterpret or misrepresent something so that it is completely incorrect or the opposite of what it should be."

that makes sense! 

so like to flip it upside down. 

like a 180 degree turn, from correct to incorrect. 

personal experience needed - my Autistic life

This one is actually a fairly easy one to explain. I'm not sure if it's easy to understand, but I'll do my best to get you there.  

So, basically, unless something actually happens to me, affects me personally, I really don't connect with it. 

Example: September 11, 2000. New York, twin towers, terrorism.. it doesn't affect me. I know that sounds terrible to say, but.. yeah, I know where I was, I thought I was watching a movie. It was on the TV in the college dorm, and people were talking about it throughout campus. I even have family in that area of the country, and I found out through my parents that everyone was ok. Even in 2006 when my husband and I took a trip to NY with my parents and we visited "ground zero" and peeked through the gated area to see them working to clear ground to rebuild, and saw the photos and memorial that was up at the time. We bought a little souvenir book of postcards/photos.. but it just doesn't have a personal effect on me. 

This is the same as I mentioned in a previous post, trying to be in someone else's shoes. They just don't fit. It doesn't happen. 

Right now, there's a war going on between Russia and Ukraine, Vladimir Putin invaded/started a war. And I have no idea how to respond to that. I could say something like "I have no idea how they feel, it's terrible!", which is true. I wouldn't have a clue what to do in that situation and I have no mental connection to it. It isn't happening to me. 

This may sound cold or mean, but it's just how my brain works. Until/unless something creates the need for personal interaction or response, or changes something in my life..  there's just nothing.

"with a grain of salt"

"to understand that something is not completely true or right; not take something too seriously; accept, but with some reservations or skepticism."

what the heck? that makes absolutely no sense. how on earth did they put together salt and a questionable statement? 

phobia vs discomfort (there's a difference)

being afraid of something; fear

vs

having discomfort with a situation based on personal experience or my belief system

---------

putting this into a concept to understand better.

umm.. lets go with the LGBTQIAS+ experience, since that's a big deal right now. 

I'm not afraid of people who aren't the same as me (heterosexual cysgender), I'm just uncomfortable with it because it goes against what I believe is true and real about how bodies are created. I've ever tried to understand it and wrap my mind around the "why", etc. But I just don't get it, and it feels off. That doesn't mean I'm afraid of them or I'm going to wag my Christianity finger in their face. This is just my personal inner experience and struggle with it. 

another one. 

I guess would be the whole racial thing. there's a big deal right now about something called CRT "critical race theory", and again, I've read about it, watched youtube videos about it, and i just don't understand. Why for 1, is this infiltrating our school systems and pitting people against each other, validating and invalidating people as children , and brainwashing them into the inferior/superior complex? For 2, I don't understand why, why, why different skin colors make a difference? People are people, why do we make it so much more difficult than that? We are all different, beautiful shades of the one race of people that God created. Why must there be such division? 

This world baffles me. 

And i shouldn't be confused, it's written in the Bible. 

Diversity should be beautiful, not tragic. 

empathy and sympathy - my Autistic life

different types of empathy -

https://takealtus.com/2020/06/empathy-1/

Cognitive: “Simply knowing how the other person feels and what they might be thinking. Sometimes called perspective-taking.”

Emotional: “When you feel physically along with the other person, as though their emotions were contagious.”

Compassionate: “With this kind of empathy we not only understand a person’s predicament and feel with them, but are spontaneously moved to help, if needed.”

I do not have emotional empathy. I don't feel what other people do. I can see and possibly put into words with someone else is feeling or thinking, I can adopt their perspective. I also feel a need to help, but that's part of my personality type. I'm not very good at knowing if they want help or not, and i'm not good at asking if they do. I also don't physically feel someone else's pain. I awkwardly watch and imitate/mimic so I can "be social correctly", but I have no personal attachment to their dilemma. 

differentiating between that and sympathy - 

"Dr. Brene Brown’s TED talk on empathy. She explains that sympathy is to see someone in a deep hole, but remaining on higher ground and talking to them from above. The sympathetic person may also try to simply put a silver lining on the other person’s situation instead of acknowledging the person’s pain."

i'm awkward with sympathizing. i'm a good listener, that i know. and i can give advice or some feedback that i feel makes sense based on my knowledge or experiences or things i've read or heard, but then i just go on my way and almost always forget about it. probably why people trust me easily. I'm not one to repeat what they say to someone else.

put myself in someone else's shoes? um.. i don't have much success with trying to put myself in someone else's situation, but I have tried. I just have a hard time imagining me being in the same spot, going through the same thing. (probably because my brain is very literal, and if I don't have their life, and their experiences, then there's no way I can understand anything about what they're going through or what they're feeling.) 

what is doubt?

Insecurity

Worry

Instability

Criticism

Fear

Disbelief

Lack of love

Following the crowd

Disdain

Rejection

Shame

Humiliation 

Deception

all of these things come to my mind when i think of doubt. it's such an all-encompassing experience when i feel it, not just a word. it reaches into so many aspects of life. i think this is because when i question something, when i have an answer or a thought, it's very multi-faceted. it takes a lot for me to simplify and clarify the rabbit trails that my mind takes. boiling things down to one aspect is hard, because either i think of way too many and i dont know which one to pick, or my mind is completely blank and i can't think of anything. 

so when it comes to doubt, it rabbit trails into every negative part of life imaginable. and it can happen in a matter of seconds. before you know it, I'm completely questioning everything in my life.

living through purity culture

always cover yourself up.

don't wear anything too tight (what's too tight?)

if you wear something revealing, boys will look at you (I don't like attention. period)

but what does revealing mean?

don't wear a bikini. (but I can't fit one-piece suits, I have a long torso.. tankini, okay, that works.)

don't wear a skirt above your knee, that's too revealing. (fine by me, I don't like showing skin anyway.)

don't have sex before you're married.

wear a ring to remind yourself of your promise to God.

okay.. now I like a boy.

what is okay when you're dating?

nobody told me about dating.

just to be friends first and not have sex.

what is petting? that sounds like something you would do with a friendly pet, not a person.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I guess I'll just go along with whatever, and say "no" to anything that feels wrong (which is a lot, because I've been taught anything that has to do with intimacy is wrong.)

well, I said no to being more than just friends with a couple boys now.

so much more swimning through my head.. lots of questions and confusion.

well, I kissed a boy.

and it felt nice.

it didn't make me want to have sex, so I guess kissing is okay.

and so is holding hands.

nobody told me anything about girls wanting to be intimate with me, is that okay?

the Bible says homosexuality is a sin, but I'm not a homosexual. so I can kiss her and it won't matter.

okay, now I'm married.

now I know nothing about sharing my body with another person.

I'm uncomfortable.

sex is weird.

but I have permission now to take my clothes off and let someone touch me.

I thought this was supposed to feel natural.

*sigh

"don't tell lies" - my Autistic life

There's a difference between thinking what you're saying is right, thinking you are correct, and being a liar/telling a lie. 

Not knowing that what you just said wasn't true, because people around you have always said it with such factual appearance. Then being pointed at and told you were lying/a liar. 

Just another thing to hit your self esteem. "i'm a liar." a false label put on you that you didn't deserve. a link added to your chain. 

You grow up being told to be honest, and your honesty gets you.. that. You stop wanting to speak honesty out loud. It might not be true, so even if you speak something in honesty, you might be lying. 

What a way to grow up.

A lie is an intentionally false statement. Saying something untrue on purpose, whether it's blatant or joking, if it's false, it's a lie. 

Repentance is Perpetual

we don't repent one time and we're good.

we repent constantly because we mess up and sin constantly.

our lives as human beings are full of sin.

that's like committing a crime, saying you're sorry and only dealing with the consequences the first time. if you do it again, you have to deal with it again.

it's perpetual.

it's repetitive.

if we could stop sinning, that would be ideal, but we can't because we're born with it ingrained.

(thanks Adam and Eve.)

but when we repent, fall to our knees and apologize to God every time we mess up (not always literally on ours knees, but during prayer, wherever we are, whatever time of day we are in), that's when forgiveness and grace abide!

abide in Christ and he will abide in you.

repent and your savior will gladly receive you.