living through purity culture

always cover yourself up.

don't wear anything too tight (what's too tight?)

if you wear something revealing, boys will look at you (I don't like attention. period)

but what does revealing mean?

don't wear a bikini. (but I can't fit one-piece suits, I have a long torso.. tankini, okay, that works.)

don't wear a skirt above your knee, that's too revealing. (fine by me, I don't like showing skin anyway.)

don't have sex before you're married.

wear a ring to remind yourself of your promise to God.

okay.. now I like a boy.

what is okay when you're dating?

nobody told me about dating.

just to be friends first and not have sex.

what is petting? that sounds like something you would do with a friendly pet, not a person.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I guess I'll just go along with whatever, and say "no" to anything that feels wrong (which is a lot, because I've been taught anything that has to do with intimacy is wrong.)

well, I said no to being more than just friends with a couple boys now.

so much more swimning through my head.. lots of questions and confusion.

well, I kissed a boy.

and it felt nice.

it didn't make me want to have sex, so I guess kissing is okay.

and so is holding hands.

nobody told me anything about girls wanting to be intimate with me, is that okay?

the Bible says homosexuality is a sin, but I'm not a homosexual. so I can kiss her and it won't matter.

okay, now I'm married.

now I know nothing about sharing my body with another person.

I'm uncomfortable.

sex is weird.

but I have permission now to take my clothes off and let someone touch me.

I thought this was supposed to feel natural.

*sigh