sense of pride and accomplishment

I thought we weren't supposed to feel pride?

I get the "I'm better than you, I look better, I have more" thing...

But, so, when I actually have a feeling of "wow, I accomplished something I worked hard at. I'm proud of myself", that's okay? 

"Always be humble"

No wonder people like me are confused. 

It's hard to figure out what's okay and what's not, what feelings are and how they are felt, and what's allowed to come out my mouth, what I shouldn't talk about in public, allllllll of this. 

Autistic people, unite.

Neurodiversity is hard!!

Trauma and invalidation

Needing someone to care

No matter the caring is about

But feeling pushed away

forever

When the hug feels like they have to do it

not like they want to

crying because you need it

but knowing they don't really want to be there.

Missing people who have touched your heart and soul

because there's was too harsh to keep.

Hurting in your body every day, and never

figuring out how to keep it at bay.. because it will just come back, always.

Crying behind a door because all they see is weakness, 

throwing away the tissues before anybody can see them so they don't ask what's wrong

because there's no way to explain the empty stabbing that only breeds foul air.

Just

Keep

Going

Don't speak reality.

People only believe what's behind their noses, because everything else isn't happening to them.

And patience.. virtuous or not.. is lost in the branches of a forest fire.

Does anybody hear me?

Really?

And would they be okay with sitting in silence

and patting the sobbing lump

that is me under a blanket?

Just to have me reach my withered hand toward theirs, hoping for the touch of another heart.

Do you feel loved? What does it feel like?

 

Love - 

it feels like warmth and safety.

it feels like a struggle between too much and not enough.

it feels like yearning, even when you're together because together makes you just want more of it.

it feels like frustration because one or both of you can't handle reality, but in the meantime, it feels like pain and reconciliation, because alone is no longer a place either one of you wants to be.

it feels like the struggle of wanting to be together but needing to be apart like you need to breathe and have your space but crave them in the same vicinity. 

A breath away.

Expectations.. but which ones?

 I ran across this in an email lately, and it stopped me. I'm generally someone who thinks things through a lot and ruminates (for lack of a better word) so I can understand to the best of my ability before I move on. I try my best to connect things to the dots of my life so I can grasp them in a personal way. Otherwise, I tend to lose what I just read and move on with my day and none of it sticks. 

When it comes to a topic like expectations... I've dealt with this hugely my entire life. Whether it's other people expecting such and such from me, or me learning to expect such and such from myself, or not expecting enough in a given situation... I've learned quite a bit to internalize the action of not having expectations because the act of anticipating or predicting and then having that not met has always thrown some type of negative bend on where I'm headed or what I'm going through.. because "expectations" are a trauma trigger for me. This is also why I don't like to try and guess things or be surprised by anything that could lend fear or hurt to my insides.

So how do we decide or learn to have GOOD expectations? or positive vs negative.. or just OPEN expectations? Is this possible? 

I will most likely struggle with the concept of expectations my entire life.

starting with a definition...

what IS a Vantage Point?

a position or standpoint from which something is viewed or considered

a particular perspective or position from which you can see something (usually being able to see it well in its entirety).

(Webster's Dictionary)

So.. what gives you a good perspective? What or where are you able to see things clearly and well? In their entirety?

Being able to see the whole of a thing and comprehend or explore it with your eyes and mind in a way that gives you a full conclusion. 

What's your

Vantage Point?