what will your tomorrow bring?

this has been on my mind. 

i've seen things floating around Pinterest,

I've felt certain things about what i see on Facebook,

i've heard things just daily in my errands and my daily doings.. 

do we not realize that today is all we have? 

sure, that doesn't mean don't make plans for tomorrow, 

but really.. 

tomorrow is not promised to anyone. 

you could die tonight in your sleep. 

your neighbor could be killed in an accident. 

your coworker could take too many pills.. on purpose. 

your pastor could be shot. 

anybody in this world could die at any minute, and there doesn't have to be a reason. 

do we know the people around us?

do we take the day during our days to understand other people? 

or do we even know who we are?

what our impact is?

if something we say is going to be our last word? 

what kind of impact do you want to make? 

is your last breathe going to be drinking coffee talking to.. a friend on your phone? or checking facebook? or posting a selfie on Instagram? 

not that i'm saying any of these things are bad, worthless, or useless. i do them to. 

but i decided i'm going to use all of these outlets as ways to communicate real life. 

if i died tonight...

what would people see?

what would my life reflect? 

i pray that it would reflect honesty

and real beauty

and the love of God

church at home today

last night, my husband and I filmed a wedding an hour away from our home, and we got back after midnight. we had a snack and went to bed, not setting an alarm because we needed the rest.

we ended up getting up just before the kids came home, and we decided to stream church at home. we pulled up Cornerstone Church streaming from Toledo, and then Northridge Friends Church streaming from Texas.
 There were a lot of good things that were said, and I would like to share with you some of my notes.

About the social narrative
1. there's a "right handed privilege"
         kind of like white privilege, most things are made around being "right handed". not really something we think about, it just is.
         it's like having an "in group- bias". we need to open our minds and try to not be exclusive, but be inclusive.

2. renaming people, instead of saying "they" and "them", say "sister" and "brother".

a- Love God with all your heart, mind and soul.
b- love your neighbor as yourself.
(you have to love yourself to love others in a positive, healthy way. if you have a dysfunctional self-love, you have to fix yourself, get help for yourself, before you can help other people love themselves.)

As a Christ follower, going to church is an act of obedience.
We are committed to helping ourselves obey God, we should be committed to helping others obey God.
Who is your neighbor? EVERYONE.

Girls- when you want to have a relationship with someone, just because they say they're a Christian, that doesn't mean anything. You have to test it. Ask them to pray and see what happens.

3. Give "in-group" love to your out-group. People you wouldn't normally surround yourself with and encourage and uplift.. show that love to them.

4. Acknowledge other people's color.
          your eyes are the only visible part of your brain- 90% of your brain activity comes from your eyes.
          Fred G. Sanford- "colored white"
         we are all colored. and as "white" people, we turn even more colors. we tan in the summer, we turn green when we're sick, and we turn red when we're angry or embarrassed.

5. view every conversation as a race consultation.
          when we meet someone, our brain automatically assumes things about the individual based on race, voice, demeanor, etc. unfortunately, we find ourselves accepting these initial assumptions as fact. then we have already set a viewpoint of this person based on what our inner selves tell us.
          what we should do if you meet someone who is not like you is to consciously hold off and learn from them, try to understand them. be mindful of ourselves.

6. give your hearts to those who are "not like you".

(Pastor Miles McPhearson- Cornerstone)

Passover- is the protection of God.
doing something because of evil (the devil) will never end well.
unfortunately, because we are human (sin nature) we don't tend to change until it hurts.

Exodus 11:4-16
Passover- the lamb's blood, takes away sins.
The parting of the water- Provision of God.

We have to "move on" when God tells us to move on, no matter if we see a way or not.
We have to do things His way.
He will provide a way to move on, but we have to follow it and we have to trust.
We have to move on beyond the fear of our future.
We can plan all we want, but God has a lot more planned for us than we do.

He will provide the steps, you have to follow.

(Stoneridge Christian Church)

what i've been feeling.. nailed it

It started out just feeling like I wanted to write.
Just a little bit ago.
I'm trying to put a name on the feeling..

I just busted my butt cleaning the shower stall in my home (we have a single shower stall that can fit two people, no tub). I've wanted to do that for a couple weeks. Unfortunately I have to wait until I have time, motivated, and low pain. Yeah.. that never all coincides. :)
Today.. I'm definitely still exhausted.. but it's bathroom cleaning day. And I felt up to it.

DID IT!
And I feel proud of myself. :)
I have to do it in stages because it wears me out.
Today I cleaned the white part because it was showing rust and film again. And I did it. :)
Helps to have the right cleaner, too. *shrugs

I'm also in the middle of switching anxiety meds.. from Zoloft to Cymbalta, on my rheumatologists request.

But I've noticed in the last couple weeks, I've felt more.. reassured? More.. like I can test the waters or something.

I've been in a better mood lately, in general. Sure I've DEFINITELY had days where my anxiety reared it's ugly head, or my depression was dragging me down. But I've noticed that i'm getting a better handle on it.
Like with my anxiety, I'm allowing myself to physically show that i'm uncomfortable, like i'll put my hands over my ears, close my eyes and intentionally breath. Or if it's bad enough, put my headphones on and busy myself away from my family. And i'm starting to gravitate to things I know i'm good at, or just that I see need done. Like i'll go in the kitchen and get out some food stuff to cook or prep, or i'll do dishes.. or i might even grab my walking sticks and take a walk in the back yard.
There was actually an instance where I grabbed my journal and started writing everything that had happened, and eventually shared it with a friend. She thought it was eye opening. I'm going to add it to the Autism portion of the book i'm writing.
(BTW i'm writing a book about my life) :)

And yes, this has something to do with it.
I noticed this bit of change in myself after my Autism was finally named. I feel like my world has become almost complete. Like all the past years of trying to find doctors to help me and figures out what's wrong with my body, all the appointments, etc, have really come to a head at this point; I'm finally entering a phase where I know what's going on with each body part and system, and i'm finally able to put all my information into my everyday life.

It's becoming more...
OMGOSH that's the word. I'm becoming more empowered.
That's what i'm feeling. :)

I feel like i'm allowing myself to really be who I am. And in my last couple psychology appointments I've learned about giving myself permission.
I'm allowing myself to feel things and then do something that feeling, whether I keep it and use it or I push it aside. (in no way is this perfected, lol, i've only just begun. but that's it.. I'VE BEGUN)
YAY!!

My confidence in myself is growing. :) Praise God for answers!
What a journey these last few years have been.

So grateful for the steps He's laid out before me, and so grateful that I've been given the wisdom to choose and I've chosen to follow (begrudgingly sometimes or sliding back for a day or so, but hey. I'm human.).

Omgosh the days where I REALLY don't feel like being my best, or doing my best, and just realizing that that's ok and I can give myself permission to wallow for a day. And then get back up and try again.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again. :)