letting go of the past

so something happened to me about 5 years ago now that caused a significant enough trauma that i needed counseling and i had to learn to work through some dreams and emotions that i'd never felt before.

something that i loved had hurt me.
i struggled and i questioned and i prayed and i sought advice and counsel.

...
my husband recently has been redoing our home office, so that means i'm going to see my old computer files. and among them were these journal entries i had during that time.

i printed them off, deleted them from the computer, and took the time to go through them, thinking it would bring me back to that place i was in, because i still had thoughts about it every now and then.

...
nothing.

I threw them out.

slight anxiety, but mostly it felt like i was sorry for the person i had been and what had happened to her.

but i personally, emotionally, didn't feel anything but relief.. there was no mental struggle, no wave of emotions..

my husband and i had worked through this together, so i knew he was helping me, being by my side, through the anxiety, the depression, the crying and the detachment.

...
because i had not ignored this trauma, i had faced it head on and sought someone to help me work through what i was feeling, and help me clarify that it was not my fault and that this person needed to face their own actions..

i am healed.

i feel free of it.
i have forgiven and (mostly) forgotten what had happened. it becomes more and more faint every day. i barely even think of it or remember it even happened anymore.

praise God for the people He put in my life and the steps that I bravely took to rid myself of it.

...
I am not that person anymore.

It feels great to know that i've washed myself of it!
I'm clean.

more than you can handle

God will give you more than you can handle. 
*mind blown?*
He does this so you HAVE to rely on Him. 
If you never had to rely on Him, what would be the point of having a relationship with Him?

If i do everything for myself and never let me husband help me or support be or encourage me, what is the point of
me being married to him? It sure wouldn't be just to have sex. I'm not that motivated.

We go through a lot. 
There are high points and low points, hills and valleys. 
If we never feel the need to lean on or draw strength from anyone, there will never be a need for a relationship. 
That's a lonely place.

In your valleys, lean on your faith, lean on what you believe in. Lean on your Father. Trust that He's there for you.
Because He always is. You will never walk alone.

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For
you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a change to grow. So let it grow, for when your
endurance is full developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. (James 1:2-4)"

why social media?

why do i like facebook?
why do i like instagram?

why do i think these platforms can be important?

because of who i am.
i'm a mother.. i need other women.
i have health issues that normal people wouldn't understand.. i need support groups.
i am in relationships with people, friends, acquaintances who don't all live close enough to be able to physically be part of my life.

I need these connections to keep me motivated and to remind me that i'm not alone in my struggles.
It's almost like a lifeline for me.

i have things that i feel are on my heart to say and just writing them on a blog isn't always very effective. some things that need to be heard.. need to spread around.

i can't always bring myself to talk out loud to people. i'm not very verbal. so even if i do want to say something to someone, my best bet is either to send them a message on FB or a text or even an email.

i'm not good with talking on the phone or in person.

i need to connect constantly.
it helps me anxiety.
it helps my depression.

social media is NOT a bad thing.
it BECOMES a bad thing when you're MINDLESSLY wasting your time on it.

just like anything else in your home or your work or your vehicle, it's a tool.
find out what what works for you!

Philipians 4:6-9

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Philipians 4:6-9

When I was in church, this whole verse basically just jumped into pieces in my mind.
Break it down..

Do no be anxious about anything
anything
(we need not be worried)
BUT
in every situation
(anything and everything we go through)
by prayer and petition
(vocalize, either in your mind or out loud)
with thanksgiving
(being thankful, no matter what)
present your requests to God.
(bring them to Him, show Him what you need.. Him and only Him. He is able to take care of any and ALL of our worries)

And the peace of God
(it only comes from Him)
which transcends all understanding
(this is not a peace WE can understand.. as humans, without Him, we will never feel this peace)
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(literally.. in Christ Jesus.. our hearts and minds will be at peace. He will take care of all the worries we bring to Him)

Finally
(yes.. the end is near)
brothers and sisters
(every person who believes in Christ Jesus, we are part of one family)
think about these things
(this is what should be on our minds and nothing else
... whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable)

Whatever you have learned/recieved/heard from Him
(everything we get from the Bible and the body of believers and our prayers)
put into practice.
(lead your lives in this way)

And the God of peace will be with you.
(God is with you. learn to lean on Him. don't worry.)

Philipians 4:6-9
imagine if we could REALLY live like this

visions of the future

Today I was sewing (my daughters birthday dress), I really don't know how to explain it, all of a sudden I started thinking "what if she doesn't like it? what if the teacups are too much.. what if, what if, what if."

Then I started getting like these little video clips of my life in the future, and Brian had to take my shopping for things. I would make decisions that weren't really very good decisions, or they just didn't make sense, and I had no idea that they didn't make sense. I thought that it was fine, I thought that I was fine, but really I knew that I wasn't fine. I knew that my brain wasn't working and so I would make a decision, i'd want to buy something or say something, and he would either agree with me, or he would say "how about we do this instead? or how about we get this instead?". His sister and his mom were the same way, and my older brother basically just kind of laughed it off, because I feel like that's what he always does. He just goofs around and laughs things off. Not that he doesn't care about people, he has a big heart for people, but I just think that he's seen me growing up and he knows what's normal for me and he doesn't think it's actually a big deal. He doesn't think i'm malfunctioning, he doesn't think I have disabilities, he just thinks everything's goofy. 

And my friend Marie, my husband actually hired her to take care of me. He hired her because he wanted to hire someone that I knew, because i've known her since I was a kid, and someone who I know is a nurse. Because before my brain got worse, I knew these things about her, so I was comfortable with her. And i've actually called her over before, literally in real life i've called her over before to help me, because I couldn't physically or mentally do something. 

I feel like, right now, I need to do things that make sense to me. Do things that i'm used to. Do things that I like. Figure out.. on my bad brain days, I don't even feel like doing things that I know I enjoy. I know that's part of depression, but I don't feel depressed. 

(ironically.. I have now been diagnosed with depression)

Pain meds

So there is this stigma around pain meds. 

addictions, assumed addictions, "you don't need that".. 

And there are people with chronic illness, hidden illnesses, that if they don't have certain medications, the quality of their lives is drastically minimized. 

I think it's sad that some medications are out of the grasp of people who need them. 

They are living a life of pain nobody else can fathom and are made to jump through more hoops and more regulations just to get what they need to survive. 

Sometimes this last weekend I had to take pain meds every day, multiple times. 

The fact that the media shames people for taking medication and in turn, unfortunately, sometimes it makes us feel bad for medication, so we shame ourselves. 

And that is really screwed up. 

I did a lot this weekend with my family, I was very active, I made food choices that I wouldn't normally make, because I was like you know what, this is what we're doing, I'm going to be part of it. I'm going to eat something I know my body is not going to be happy with, but it's worth it. Because sometimes it is worth it, and i'm not going to make myself feel bad for participating in something that I want to feel like i'm part of. You know what, i'm not going to shame myself for taking pain meds. I had to take my Ibuprofen 800 two times on Saturday, probably two times on Sunday and already took one today, and it's almost noon, and that's because of all the activity and the foods that i've eaten this weekend. And I am not going to tell myself that that was a bad choice, because it wasn't. 

I myself have 13 meds I take on a daily basis, and 5 meds as needed, for asthma, migraines, nausea and pain. 

I'm 36 years old and this is my life. 

#stigma #painmeds 

#becareful

Normal.. what?

I'm ok with not following regular social protocol.
I'm ok with not being mainstream.
I'm ok with showing my quirkiness to other people.
I don't want to be like other people. I don't want to have it all together. I don't want to work 9-5 and come home to debt. I want to enjoy my marriage and work at always making it better.

I want to tell people about my beliefs instead of being silent about something that could change a life and a future.
I want to teach my girls that fruits and veggies can be just as quick and easy to prepare and eat as something sugary or oily.

I want to push the envelope when it comes to what I can do. Learn boundaries, learn comfort zones.. and squeeze them just a bit at a time.
I want to always try to make something better, no matter how good it is. There is no perfect.

I want to not always do what is ok and comfortable and expected.

I want to be real, and speak real, and pursue real, and project real, and encourage real.
So many masks.
I want to show people that facades are unnecessary.

Normal: conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm; not abnormal. 

(of a person) free from physical or mental disorders.synonyms:sane, in one's right mind, right in the head, of sound mind, in possession of all one's faculties, able to think/reason clearly, lucid, rational, coherent, balanced, well balanced, all there.

the usual, average, or typical state or condition: "her temperature was above normal"

BFF

having three girls, this term is thrown around like candy at a parade.
instead of saying they have a good friend, or a best friend, they say they have a BFF.. probably because it's easier.

but the meaning is completely different, and they haven't learned that yet.

one of my girls used it the other day, and my husband stopped her and asked her if she knew what BFF means.. and she told him "best friend forever".
so she knows what it stands for.. but..

BFF
best friend.. forever.
forever is a long time.

forever means there are ups and downs and laughter and tension and differences of lifestyle and opinion.

BFF holds a lot of weight and value.

I can honestly say I have this.
This unique, rare connection with a person.
Built on mutual respect and the want for each other to grow and change.
The fact that even when we change, we knows that there's a special connection that keeps us together and accountable to each other.
Even if we don't believe the same things or feels the same ways.. we support and honor those differences, and wish for those things that make us each better people to flourish.

Forever is a long time.
.....
I wrote to my BFF this morning. I met her back in 1998, my junior year of high school.
We have been connected at the soul since day 1. We are soul sisters, not just friends.

We have miles and miles and miles in between us, but we connect every day in some way.

"I just realized something. You are my BFF.
My best friend forever.
Even my husband knows your important to me, and always knows you're going to be there. I feel like honestly that is a place of comfort to know that you will always be there for me.
Forever.
I will never be without you.
I'm so grateful. I can't do this life without you."

 

.....
Also remember, it is imperative that the person you live your life with, your spouse, your significant other, your partner, should also be connected with you deeply. Sometimes these people ARE your soul mate.
But please don't confuse best friend and soul mate.
They are not equal.

Soul mate is a person who leads a very parallel life to you and connects with you on the deepest level imaginable. They are part of who you are.

Best friend is someone who loves you for who you are, and no matter what, values you above all other relationships.

I have been VERY BLESSED to have both of these in my life, and being married to one of them.