Struggle

 I always fear that I will fail. And I don’t even always know what i’m failing at. 

I live my life on the edge, constant anxiety, because there’s always something I feel could go wrong, and it’ll be my fault. 

I feel guilty when there is nothing to feel guilty about.

I push through my fears to try to be “normal” or fit in, even though i’m pretty sure i’m not supposed to fit in. I’m just supposed to be me. 

Still on that lifelong journey of finding out who that is. Because I change

Neurodiversity and purity.. NOT naïveté

 I am reading a book called "Autism and the God Connection" and it's been so dead on, explaining a lot of my own experiences. I wanted to share with you some snippets and one major realization for me... people who are neurodiverse (meaning: born with their minds wired a bit different than usual) are not naive. They/I see things around me, see things happening, and own our life experiences and things we've gone through and witnessed. We have a sense of not being tarnished by those things. Because we have a mind that is separated in a way from reality, a brain that doesn't understand why humankind is the way it is. We don't feel like we are part of the physical earth we live in, there's always a sense of "out of body" for us. Probably why pain and death aren't a big deal for us, because the material isn't as important as immaterial. I might not even be explaining this very well.. just go ahead and read the snippets I'm laying out for you. 

Another thing is, though, that people who are neurodiverse have a strong sense of morality and right and wrong. So when there are rules and restrictions, and they/we are able to make our own choices and do things independently, we do exactly what either we're told to do, or go exactly along with the rules. 

So for us it’s not about trying to stay in a black-and-white world, it’s that we don’t generally live in the gray area. We can’t live in the gray area. We can think about it and study about it, but it’s not a solid enough place for us to be. The gray area is what causes us to be overloaded and have meltdowns, because there’s no structure there. And that is necessary for our survival and well-being.

yes, I am closed minded. And here’s why.

I used to try to be more open-minded, and here's what I found.. this is my experience. 

The more I tried to understand things from other perspectives, the more unhinged I became. The more confused and "out to sea" I felt. I didn't know what I thought anymore, and I couldn't find my footing. 

My level of comprehension and capability of soaking in information became very shallow, because there was too much to see and hear. I didn't know what to grasp at, I felt like I was drowning, and it was terrible on my anxiety and depression. I was exhausted constantly because my brain was tring to figure out what was normal and what was real. 

Now that I've come back to my roots and got me feet planted back on the ground, I'm much more at peace, and hopeful and finding joy and better sleep. Less stress, being able to handle my days as they come, and my anxiety is only my natural jumpy self, not much extra. :) 

Being open-minded isn't all it's cracked up to be.