learning happiness from dissatisfaction

I got this topic from a chapter in the book "Resisting Happiness" by Matthew Kelly. 

"It's time to start listening to what God is saying to us through our dissatisfaction. Don't pretend to be happy and satisfied when you are not."

This actually sort of goes along with the post I got today from my subscription to The Mighty.

happy-depression-depressed-person

What are we dissatisfied with? 

Unfortunately, I have something called alexithymia, and I don't know what i'm feeling most of the time. So I'm not sure what I'm dissatisfied with, most of the time I see things as the glass half full. 

But I can see where this idea is going. 

Figuring out what we are unhappy with and finding ways to either make it different, make a change, or flip it and say what I AM satisfied with. 

church notes from 2/24/2020 Bethany Assembly "hello my name is KNOWN"

When we have anxiety about things, we tend to get in our own way.

We all wants to be known, and we will jump through hoops to do it.
        God knows everything single thing about you, and he still loves you.
    You are known by your love.

Matthew 7 "I did not know you."
     You will know we are Christian by our love. If we do not show the love of God, we are nothing.

As we battle (planting seeds, take steps), God is moving and advancing. Each little battle and step we take forward, God is gaining ground.

people question why the church loves-
    they should think "that's just what the church does!" :)

We should take the hands of people who have fallen and help them
"I know you fell down, but let's get back up."
We do life together, we love on each other
we've got each others backs


God gave us dreams
God gave us passions inside of us that nobody else has
or that someone else would pursue a different way
we are the only one with the passion and the dream that we do that can do it the way we would
that's why each person is unique
because we each bring to the body

Don't forget your dreams!

like living a legacy instead of building a dynasty
dynasty= a line of hereditary rulers
legacy= an inheritance

would you want to be known for just passing things on to the next generation to do, or for building something up and giving the next generation something to build on themselves?

You have to be willing to make things accessible to younger people
to guide them
lead them by example
show them the ropes

Acts 2:17
 In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.

Don't forget your dreams!!

taxes

- groan -
as i roll my eyes and flop my head back on the office chair, my poor neck

ugh

it's a lot different when you're a small business owner, versus being an employee
and now we have to ad disability in the mix

weeeeee
*head plant on the desk

can i sleep now?

Christian = little Christ

I am supposed to mirror him. Christianity is hard work (He said we would have troubles), self denial, uncool, unpopular, unusual , heavy, sacrificial.

Our actions speak for what we believe in.
Are we showing Christ, or do we really not believe in Him?

If you're going to profess Christianity, say "I'm a Christian", then you need to love like Him, live like Him, and follow His lead.

Don't forget what you believe in.. and don't forget to share it, either.

Luke 9:23 🌸🌸🌸 "I die daily"

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."

put down your cross
drop what you're carrying
and follow Him

every morning
drop it
and follow Him

disobedience and distance makes us numb

Recent struggle with an atheist. I will respect her and love her always as the person she is, but I cannot join her in this part of her life. Separate ways of living and believing. It’s ok to swear.. it’s ok to be selfish sometimes. I’m not going to care what others think of me, I’m going to just be me, the hell with everyone’s opinions of me.

This is not the values I hold.
This is the values I tried to manipulate my own thinking and beliefs into being.

I'm finding that I can easily be manipulated by people I love.
Because I love them.
I want them to be happy.
Sometimes at the expense of myself and my world views and who I think I am at my core.

I recently ran across an article about toxic people and I had read about codependency in the last few months, and it seems this is what was happening to my in my relationship.

And I didn't want to see it.
So I ignored it.
Or i really honestly didn't see it, period.
I can be naive, but I can also be so hopeful I don't see the danger I can put myself in.
I've done it before.
And in this time it can also make me numb to my own life, and forget my own journey.

https://themighty.com/2020/02/toxic-relationship-signs/

Wish.com review

Just to let you know, I had a couple bucks of my own money and I decided, why not try something from Wish? I've heard stories all over the spectrum, I want to try this myself. So I did. :) 

I purchased a dress, a pair of jeggings, and two pair of pantyhose. 

The dress and the jeggings were not in stock, so they refunded them right away. 

The two pair of pantyhose took 6 weeks to get here. It was a week after the date they were supposed to be delivered by. I even got an email a couple days before asking if i had received them yet, obviously i clicked "no". 

So the pantyhose.. I bought them in a size L, because I've been using M's for a while, but my body has changed over the past few years, and according to their size chart I should do a L. So I did. 

The pictures showed that they would be stretchy and tight and silky. 

I will say.. 

they are stretchy and tight and silky.. but definitely not the right size. I should have gotten an XL. *sigh

I like the quality- except that I stuck my finger right through the left leg and put a run in one of them. 

The tan ones were almost perfect, like a coffee color, but again.. definitely not the right size. 

Now I have the benefit of daughters, So I will save this coffee colored pair for one of them to have. So not all is lost. but.. meh. I knew it would probably be a bust purchase. And I was right. :) 

reinforced toe

silky and snug, i like it

oh no!

that is not my crotch.. 

i repeat, that is not my crotch.

body positive- campaigning? versus reality?

Amy Schumer did this photo for a body positivity campaign.
Kudos
I'm glad!
I love the message she's bringing!
but...

Do you think she's really that confident in her body?
Maybe she was at that moment.
Is this even the real her?
Or did this get touched up as well?

What if I did a photo like this?
Would that cause too many waves?
What if I wanted to pose 99% naked to say "there's nothing wrong with your body, you're perfect the way you are?"

I have a feeling it wouldn't be as acceptable for me to do that.
I'm not famous.
I'm not in the spotlight.
It would make people too uncomfortable, because really, we love the message, but we've got this preconceived notion about
them
hollywood
not being real.
And if someone we know personally, see everyday, did this.. we wouldn't know how to act around them.

We would say "good job" but we would also say "why would you do that?" or "was that really necessary?" or "I can't believe you did that" or...
would you like to add to this?
what would you say to someone you know personally if they got up the guts to post like this to let other people know that it's ok to not be "perfect" by whoever else set the standard?

and by the way
no
i'm not this positive or acceptable with my own body
but i would do it
so other women and men like me
who aren't able to exercise
who have had life and body altering moments (weight, pregnancies, etc)
can be ok with not being ok with themselves.
because that's what it is
and i'm not ok with it
but it's ok.

Just go.. someplace...

these are all in my purse..
why?
because I'm a believer
I'm a Christian
and it's doesn't matter what building I gather in
as long as I gather with other believers and seek Him and seek to hear Him
I need to plug in weekly
I need that connection to other people of faith
who believe the same as me
we are BUILT to need connection
we are not meant to do life alone.
plug in



it doesn’t matter what church you go to, there are so many different denominations of Christianity. But in reality we all believe the same thing. We are a mosaic of believers. We are all different pieces of the same higher calling. Get plugged into God, no matter where you feel you have to go. Find a church that tells you about the truth of Jesus and what he did. He loves you.

notes from church Cornerstone 2/16/2020

The guy in front of me had a shirt on with Acts 17:6
"But when they did not find them, they dragged Jason and some other believers before the city officials, shouting: “These men who have caused trouble all over the world have now come here,"

The shirt talked about turning the world upside down.. 
do as these men did. Get in trouble for turning things upside down. :) 

------
Interesting. 
The message. 
------

God has called you into a season in your life. 
Don't listen to the chatter telling you otherwise. 
"you should be doing this instead.. "yada yada yada. 

Ignore the idle chatter. 
They are not called into your season.. you are. 

John 21
vs 12-17
When you argue with Jesus, you always end up wrong. 
BOOM.

Why have you gone back to the next best thing (because it's what you know to do)?
You know instead to push forward to the next best thing you're CALLED to do. It's in front of you, not behind you. 

Anchoring moments- this made me think of our Monday round table conversations :) We are creating anchoring moments in our family and in ourselves. These are days and conversations where we are together as a Christian family that Satan doesn't like. He doesn't want to us to be strong. But we are going to anchor together as a family. 

He will teach you.. and then you have to apply it. 
We get so thirsty for knowledge, and we get all excited when God tells us something, and we agree with it, and then.. we do nothing with it. It's wasted. It fades. We needs to DO SOMETHING with what He teaches us. 

sometimes we get so used to having compassion for other people that we become numb to it. someone has a bad day or a bad relationship, or wants to talk to you or lean on you about something, and you say "oh i'm sorry, i'll pray for you" blah blah blah. but then you do nothing with it, you do nothing about it. 
it's Compassion Fatigue. 

so when God gives you an answer to a problem.. use that answer to go fix it! 
if you found the answer to a problem, and you did nothing with it, what would be the point of finding the answer? 

If you're going to say you believe who Jesus is, then you are the solution. You are the answer to a problem. Fix it! 

And you don't have to have a lot!
But you have to bring what you DO have to Jesus!

- side note-
as you all know, i have become disabled physically because of chronic illness and partially mentally because of mental and physical illness. 
But I have a passion for people. 
And I have a lot for connection. 
So social media has been a big deal for me.. to be able to connect with other people even if i can't get away from my home for one reason or another. 
also, God gave me a love for writing a long time ago, since middle school, and I still have that. 
So I gave what I DO have to God.. I gave my heart for people, my love for writing, my need for connection, and my knowledge and love for research.. to God. 
And even if I don't want to some days.. I can tell He's using me. 
Even if it takes all my energy to write and barely do anything at my own home.. I feel and I know that i'm in the right boat. 

This message to me was so reaffirming. I'm grateful that I know in my heart and my soul that I'm doing the right thing. I'm on the right track. 

BRING WHAT YOU DO HAVE TO JESUS!

*I am a God of abundance, of more than enough*

I have a small thing to bring and I want to see what Jesus can do with it. 

Don't forget also.. 
what we do with the little things He gives us tells Him what we will do with much. 
If we squander or push away things like mustard seeds and talents (parables), he will not want to give us more and bless us. 
Because we are not faithful with what WE think is insignificant. 

body positivity

so much truth to this photo




grateful that my husband still sees me as this



so hard to do this



would it be ok if i put a photo of myself on this poster? or would that be too dramatic?



do you have people that will join you in loving yourself and making a better view of yourself?

typical versus normal

As adjectives the different between normal and typical is that normal is according to norms or rules while typical is capturing the overall sense of a thing.

A typical disabled person might need or do or use such and such a thing, but it's not normal to be a disabled person (visible or invisible).

It's typical for people to age and bodies to show that aging process (gray hair, wrinkly skinny, etc), but it's not normal to see someone in their 80's or 90's working out at a gym.

It's typical for a girl to start dreaming about her wedding as she matures, and it's not normal for a girl to dream about staying by herself for the rest of her life only surrounded by animals.
This is one I speak of from personal experience because of my high functioning autistic daughter. She and I both would rather be around animals for ever instead of people.

It's typical for Americans at some point in their lives to file bankruptcy and start over, it's not normal, however, to have a couple going through this actually stay together and work through it instead of filing for divorce and separating.
This one I also speak of from personal experience because my husband and I had to file for bankruptcy back in 2008 because we lost our jobs and our home and everything, but the lawyer was confused and surprised by us because we sat on the couch together holding hands instead of standing at opposite ends of the room looking in opposite directions.

It's typical for teenagers in social situations to go along with the crowd, it's not normal for them to stand against the popular vote. This is why there are bullies, because when you go against the flow, the first reaction is to throw back something negative, because of evil.

It's typical for people to want to fit in, to cuss when other people cuss, to dress the same way others do. It's not normal to say "i'm not going to do that because I have a different set of values".

clarifying the differences between patronizing and condescending

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaVkKQTTei8&list=WL&index=4

The two adjectives condescending and patronizing describe the attitudes of people who think that they are superior to others. These two adjectives are very similar in meaning and can be used interchangeably in most instances. 
Patronizing refers to treating someone with apparent kindness which betrays a feeling of superiority. 
Condescending refers to displaying a superior attitude.

What Does Condescending Mean?

As mentioned above, condescending refers to the superior attitude of a person. When someone thinks that others are inferior to him or that he is superior to others and treat others according to this attitude, he is being condescending. Talking to a person in a way that shows that you believe you are more intelligent or better than him is an example of condescending attitude.

The students of the new generation seem to think that teachers are condescending and arrogant.

So condescending would be like someone talking to you with their nose in the air? Like when my dad would talk to me about my grades, but he had a posture of arms across the shoulder and head back (seemed like he was "looking down at me"). 

Or if you're shopping with someone and you get excited about an item, and they look at you like "really? you like that? I wouldn't be caught dead with that."

Giving the impression that they are "better than" or "holier than"? I think I get it. 

“Of course, I believe you,” he said in a patronizing voice.

So patronizing is more of an action; the act of being condescending. Right? Patronizing someone in need, for example, would be to pretend to be helpful, but act like you're better than that. Like you'll do it, but you don't want to because you'll get your hands dirty because it's below you. 

Right? 

what is ghosting?

someone will "ghost me"
I just recently heard this term and wanted to know what it meant.

The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

https://www.psycom.net/what-is-ghosting

I actually heard this in a youtube video about disabled people and what's average in relationships across the board. It's terrible to have people "ghost" someone because their lives aren't what you need, or because your life is taking a different turn than yours, and you can't give them the common courtesy to say "hey, my life is changing. i'm having to make some hard relationship changes as well, and I might not be in contact with you anymore". Sure, that's a hard conversation to have (i've had it myself recently), but having a hard conversation with someone who you might see again in your future, I think, would be a better way to go than to just disappear and then have to duck and dodge them the rest of your life because you decided to burn that bridge with no explanation.

my study of Phillipians- Bible book

a letter from Paul and Timothy, Jesus disciples, to all the Christians (the "church") in Phillipi
1:2
Grace and peace be with you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
- the first thing they say to Christ's followers.. grace and peace with be with you from your heavenly God and His son.
what an awesome blessing.

Talking to all of the Christians as brothers in Christ, saying that they are grateful to have the community, and that there is confidence about fulfilling God's plan before the second coming, because of the partnership of believers. Praying that they may remain pure and blameless and that they should continue to learn and gain knowledge in the ways of faith.
- mind blown. to have that confidence. that we as a group of believers will band together and see God's purpose through to completion before Christ comes again.

Because Paul is in prison, the other Christ followers are becoming more bold and fearless in speaking God's word, because he was imprisoned for speaking the truth of the gospel. That it doesn't matter what the motive is behind it, Christ's truth is being preached, and that is joyful.
1:21
(Paul in prison) For me to live is Christ, and to die is gone.
If i'm going to remain fruitful in labor, I will show Christ through fruitful labor. But if I die, I will flory in my Saviors presence. He's struggling with which outcome he wants for himself, because either one is beneficial!
No matter what happens, your actions, with or without me, need to reflect with gospel of Christ!

Be humble, like Christ. He became like a servant, groveling at the feet of humans. Saying "what can I do for you?"
Are you humble enough in your faith to die for it?

In our crooked world, be the ones who shine with the light of God by the work you do.

2:14 + 15
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, child of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you since like stars in the universe.

Press on towards the end goal of heaven. Forget what is behind, and strain towards what is ahead. Do not be confident your earthly bodies, but be reminded constantly that your soul belongs to God.

Hard to hear this
3:19
Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.
- So hard to see people we know and love blinded from eternal life by the things we put on our own pedestals, things that we exalt and worship higher than our Savior.

But I am a citizen of heaven, and I humbly and eagerly wait for the day I will be transformed.
Help those people who live life beside you to also follow you into eternity.  (coworkers, neighbors, family, etc)

Guard your hearts at all times, and let the peace and love of God constantly flow from your soul and shine for others to see and for them to want it, too.

4:11b
I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance.
4:12b
I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.
4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Thank you for sharing in my troubles and helping me when I needed it.

4:19 And my god will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.


Again in verse 23, Paul leaves them with another blessing grace in their spirit that is of the Lord Jesus Christ.

- may God's peace and grace always be with you.

Amen= so be it.
everything I have just said.. may it be so.
we are in agreement that the words previously spoken will come to pass.

my study of Ruth- Bible book

1: 16 and 17
Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.
- Ruth was determined to stick with her mother in law, til death do they part.  Here is a true meaning of the word "friend". Naomi could rest assured that she would never be alone again, and that she would always be cared for and have companionship.

2:8
My daughter listen to me. Don't go and glean in another field and don't go away from here. Stay here with my servant girls. Watch the farm where my men are harvesting and follow along after the girls. I have told the men not to touch you.... why have I found such favor in your eyes that you notice me?.... I've been told what you have done for your mother-in-law..."
- Because of how well she treated Naomi and because of her work ethic, she developed a reputation for being helpful and pure. Boaz noticed this, and made sure she was safe and taken care of herself.

chapter 3 and 4.
Ruth went to Boaz to show him her honesty and purity and selflessness. He asked if the other heir of her husbands family wanted to inherited her farm and become her husband, first. He did not take it for himself until the other man decided to pass. Therefore, Boaz took all of Naomi's land from her husband and her two sons and also took Ruth as his bride.
- my goodness, the purity and the respect shown here is amazing. There is no vile physical trade, there is no dishonesty of taking something that someone else has the rights to. Boaz and Ruth had their destiny's intertwined by God's will. This maintained the family names, and kept their standing as a respectable family intact, as well.

that's a fantastic love story.

combination of depression and executive function disorder

i sit here
my body melted to the seat
my mind rolls around things that i want to do
i want to walk 50 steps to the table and read my book about happiness
i started it this morning
and then fell asleep
i pushed myself through spot cleaning the bathroom
there are dishes in the sink soaking
so i have to do them
push
push

i'm not unhappy
i'm not sad
i'm depressed

feeling hungry
and sick to my stomach
unable to move

a depressed autistic
not knowing what to do with their time

i did my psychology homework
i have a plan for the day
but i'm stuck
i'm on my 3rd water bottle
so that's a positive
i'm hydrating
that's a success

at this point
peeling myself off this chair
while the ringing in my ears persists
and moving my feet towards the kitchen
feels like dragging myself through the mud

i got through my emails
that took a lot of effort
but i'm saving the links to read later
at least i organized a bit
my head feels full
but there's nothing there
my hands feel like weights
as i mindlessly click through my youtube saved videos
watch a small clip
delete
and move on
uninterested

my girls get home in 8 minutes
goal- dishes and make coffee
when they get home- goal
send them to work on their new stuff drawers
while i - goal- read a page or two.

The Rolling Kitty

spine on the floor

feet in the air

back and forth

to and fro

fluff

fur

hair

purr

full belly

floppy skin

pretty color

slowly blinking eyes

a random loving hand

strokes skin 

and gentle lips

kiss the nose

oh kitty

you are home

and you are happy

and you are loved

when the frog speaks

Sitting at the table

Talking about shoes

With my fashionista 

When out of the blue

Comes a massive 

Croak

Bubble

Burp

Noise

Surprise 

Omgosh busting a gut... we laughed so loud and hard

No shame :)

the princess became a frog :)

knowing someone everywhere I go

my girls tell me sometimes that i should stop saying hi to people everywhere i go
and sometimes they ask "how do you know so many people?!"

well it's because i've had a lot of jobs
which is in part because i've always struggled in the work force
but wherever i work, i want to make sure i'm available to help everyone i work with, that i'm personable, and that i do a good job.

i've recently thought of this as a plus side.

wherever i go, i know somebody. so in this sense.. i can almost always find a way to be comfortable in my environment. as soon as i see and connect with someone i know, as long as it was a positive relationship, i feel calmer. this can help with my anxiety, restlessness and discomfort.

so.. it's good to know a lot of people. :)

anxiety 1-31-2020

COMING HOME FROM U of M in ANN ARBOR

I'm driving down 12
and
I can hear and feel the road vibrating around my car
the sound of the wind being split by my vehicle as i shoot through it
vehicles passing me coming the opposite way on the opposite side
look like they're looming behind me as well
a whole line of them.

They're angry headlights glaring at me to get out of their way

And the sound of my daughter sniffing each one of her breathe into her body
i am tired
and my anxiety might get the best of me
i'm trying to focus
just to get to the gas station
so i can put some money in the tank
and stop worrying if i have enough to get home

I need to escape

I keep licking my lips
and biting them
because i'm nervous
come to find out i have a canker sore right on top
my inhalers in my purse behind me
not sure if i dare try to reach for it

...

Three minutes later, made it to the gas station. Stepped out, closed my eyes and breathed in the fresh air for a minute. Didn’t want to take too long and look like a weirdo. At least I was out of the car, I didn’t feel so stuck...

Debated going in to use the toilet because I had to pee.. I really just wanted to get home. But, my body won... bathroom it is.

Back in the car I go. This should be fine. Starting to get a headache.. I need a nap

so close

The Mighty Februrary poetry prompt- where can i find courage?

I can find courage
behind my eyelids
when everything around me seems to swirl
and i need a moment of quiet darkness to continue

I can find courage
knowing that inside me
is the will to continue
because God has something for me around every corner
and beyond every step

I can find courage
when my husband holds me
after the tears have started
and defeat sets in
his warmth and love lift me up
and let me know it's ok to fall apart

I can find courage
knowing that there's a purpose for my struggles
and my Father is leading me through all the darkness
to show and to share
and to help people understand
a life of pain
can also be a life of light and peace

poem- my feelings

my feelings

they speak

but i don’t know why

and i don’t hear what they’re saying

what i hear is a hum

an eager but silenced sound

wanting something to hear them

but they are muffled

silenced maybe

willing to be heard

but the microphone isn’t turned on

there are words

descriptions

floating in the air

but they can’t find the paper

they aren’t sticking to anything

therefor not being read

they land on ears

filled with cotton swabs

wanting and waiting for something to break the darkness

but nobody is willing to let the light in

save for one

trying to get through the crowd

moving against the grain

every now and then stopping and standing with their head down

as if to admit defeat

but then continuing 

as if they needed to catch their breathe

gain a moment a quiet to refill their energy

because against the flow

is so much harder than floating with it

what chronic fatigue looks like

i had a migraine all day yesterday
and i cried from emotional overwhelm

i slept really well last night
but now
i'm exhausted

i'm falling asleep in church
then i'm falling asleep during a movie
then i'm falling asleep when i try to read

but when i intentionally try to close my eyes and rest
i can't
my body moves
restlessly
my brain won't shut up
or shut down
even if i go to my bed
instead of the couch
i lay there
unable to find unconscious solitude