the raccoon

so.. we have problems with rodents in our yard/ property. so we borrowed our neighbors live trap, and put out some food that we heard would get groundhogs.

so.. like not even an hour later, a raccoon went on top of the cage. and then went IN the cage, and then grabbed a piece of apple and SNAP.

so he's captive in the cage and i don't know what to do. he/she/it slept today, which, duh, is normal since they're nocturnal.

my husband went to the farm store today and got a different kind of trap, and might be thinking about getting our own gun. unfortunately living in a farm area, there's too much at risk with rodents hanging around.

trash being ripped open, disease spreading.. that alone is a big red flag. and it's illegal to transport them to another area because of that as well. so it's either they are caught and killed, or they're road kill and hopefully the driver doesn't take a hit.

and my husband found little footprints on his new vehicle, too. *sigh

it's a hard call.
for now, our furry visitor is still in the cage.

.... it's not working..

it's not working.
i can think of some things.. but nothing goes beyond a simple thought. it goes away. it won't come to the surface so i can act on it.

i fell mentally and physically stuck.

i did my nails.
that's something.

i took a shower.
i did makeup.
that's something.

i'm going to listen to a speaker at the library tonight about the underground railroad in our town.
that's something.
it's not very far, but i'll still need to hyper focus my mind. so kids will have to be silent in the car.

tonight we'll be watching a movie.
that's something.

i'm going to go try to do the dishes.
they are already soaking.
i just have to pick up my gloves, put them on, and grab the sponge.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.

no i can't..

(sigh)
i'm trying.
that's something.

Phillipians 4:13

my life verse
"I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength."

i went through my old journals recently, and i noted that an old friend of mine had written something to me about my writing.
he had said that "no wonder you're so good at writing and being a listening ear if this is your life verse". :)
i'm grateful for that statement. especially now.

now that i have entered a chapter in my life thats about writing.

good days :)

i've have a couple good days with my family recently :)

saturday was insanely hot! almost triple digits in Michigan. yikes!
my husband went out for a bike ride in the morning, trying to catch the coolest part of the day, still came in panting and stripping off his shirt and plopping in front of the fan.

we basically just did chill things all day; coloring books, games, movies, naps.. very nice. and it made my heart smile when my husband, who normally is very "gotta do stuff" just let his body tell him what to do and relaxed as well. :)

Sunday, he went out and moved the lawn before church, and after we made two quick stops and then came home and chilled again. i did pick up a couple things here and there, but we made sure to just enjoy each other.

Today, i made sure to get up a bit early to enjoy my coffee before i had to wake people up. the girls had their first appointment with their new dr, which ended up being the same dr they had, just switched to a different practice. that was nice, because we knew it would be a female and she had a bit of history with them. on top of that, since Zoe is showing some symptoms of EDS, doc recommended a referral to get her tested for it as well. :) and doc also feels like Zoe should be taking some allergy meds, and not just the asthma meds. it could be why zoe keeps getting these headaches and we've already basically ruled out not eating enough, dehydration, vision problems (she's 20/20!). i'm thinking it might be pots. we'll see what the geneticist at UofM tells us. Jazmine and Livy got "tested" for it at Toledo.

i like that their dr even checked their backs to make sure they were straight, as well. I know at one point, there was a concern for scoliosis in Alivia.

when we got home from the dr's office, zoe and i cuddled up to rest for 30 minutes, we snacked a little and then dropped Jazmine off at the library for her volunteer shift. i took the other two to the park for an hour. beautiful outside!! then i treated Zoe to her free ice cream she earned doing the reading program at the library, treated livy and myself to mcdonalds fries, and after dinner or fish sticks, fish fillets and sweet corn (which everyone devoured!! even Brian!), i took Jazmine to some alone time at The Spotted Cow because she had a gift card. :) that was so much fun, we even jumped on the Marco Polo app, and shared some of our craziness with my best friend. :)

after we came home, i watched a mermaid movie with Zoe and now the kids are getting ready for bed.

it's been a really good couple of days. :)
tomorrow i'll get up with Brian and go to get my blood drawn and my thoracic X-ray done. then i'll be home crafting as much as my body can handle.

so thankful to my Lord for the blessings i've had, and that He continues to pour on me, if i only listen and look for them. thank you God.

questioning things and realizing realities

i have an honest thought.

and this stems from my own experiences the last few years and, honestly, back into my junior high and high school years. 

when i was young, i questioned myself a lot. wanted to fit in, wondered why people didn't like me, learned to put up walls in certain areas of my life and learned to blend in where I could. 

.....

in my journey the last few years, i have been finding out a lot of things about me medically, medical truth, mental health truths, psychological truths.. that now I'm grateful that i'm at a spot where I don't have to question as much. i am able to pinpoint, for the most part, why things happen, symptoms and triggers. i'm not ignoring my body and my mind anymore. i did that for too long.

unfortunately, people who didn't know me when i was younger have a "reality" of me that is someone who doesn't question things or who has put certain walls up and needs to have them challenged. this is hard for me because i've already had those challenges in my life when i was school age, and now, the people that have only known me from age 17 and up don't know that part of my story. 

so i'm feeling barraged by people, who love me and want the best for me, because they don't see me question many things and see me be open to more things than maybe they think i should. now that i have more answers in my life than ever, i don't feel a need to question as much, and i have already been through the wringer emotionally multiple times in my life, which is why i tend to be numb at times. 

the people closest to me are honestly the ones that met me when i was 17+ years old, and the people that knew me before that have watched me change. 

it's hard for me to show people who have only known me as an adult that i'm done with the questioning, and that my life is at face value now. the deep work has been done, i'm moving on, and now i'm just trying to be more real with the people who care to still be here. 

i'm realizing that not all of them are going to be ok with me being so aloof and non-challenging. But at this point.. i'm going to put my hands up and just say.. so be it. 

if i can't be accepted in my open form, then i'm not going to pretend to wear a mask anymore than i have to. 

maybe they just need to learn to know the real me. not the me they think they know. 

.....

i feel sometimes like my life has been lived backwards. like i had to do all of these adult brain things when i was younger, not knowing why i was different and not really being who i should be (i always was told i seemed more mature and older than my age), and now that i can really be me and finding out my medical and emotional and psychological truths, i can be my raw self. 

i know not everyone is going to accept that. (sometimes i don't even accept that, but i'm trying)

i'm also finding that it's ok for people to not accept that, but that's a hard thing for me to grasp. the "real me" has been covered up for so many years.. 

and the real live medically interesting, psychologically scarred, random, inappropriate, non-intense me is finally feeling real happiness and freedom. 

there is much anxiety in these relationships (at least on my end), but i have to learn to let things go, even if they think they are doing the best for me, i know what i need. just saying "ok" as a response is.. ok. 

it almost feels like they have a necessity inside themselves to challenge me and make me question myself. 

i've done enough of that. 

it's time for me to just be me.. and not care if they accept that. 

they don't have to.. i do. 

the hardest part about this is my need to please others, so this is a constant tug-of-war on my insides.

....

my reality is that every day i wake up, grateful that i woke up, even if i feel sick and in pain. my reality is that i have mental processing problems, and that i have chronic anxiety, i have trouble making up my own mind, i am literal, i am soft and i am intense at the same time. i very much enjoy non-physical human interaction, even though i won't remember most of it. i need a nap most days, i do my chores 1 at a time and assess how i feel in between each one. i schedule when i can be physically active because i know i will need prep time and recovery time. and i try to be as much myself as possible. 

my reality will progress as the years go on, as everybody's does. 

but i will always, always try to be true to who i am, even with other people's opinions shroud my view in the mirror.
.....
it's good and it's healthy to question things.
but we also have to be ok with 1. not knowing all the answers and 2. being ok with the answers we get. 

my husband, the helper

a couple days ago i was in a situation where i was getting overwhelmed and i could tell he knew that my anxiety was spiking and he was awesome about it. 

he stayed there with me in it, held my hand, rubbed my shoulder softly, told me to breathe and blocked me from what was stimulating me. 

after i had calmed down a bit to where it was more manageable, he asked if it had helped. 

this man is a rock for me. 

so glad he wants to be with me in it and not give up and walk away.

....

this is also not the first time he's stayed with me in my anxiety. 

one time i had a breakdown and was sobbing and he sat down with me and just stayed there, holding me. 

another time, i was getting overwhelmed in the kitchen, a recipe was coming out right and i was trying to fix it, and the kids were milling it and out, being loud and making their food. i scooped the dough into a tupperware, shoved it in the fridge, and he came in right when i was about to collapse on the floor and curl into a ball. he stood there staring at me, i'm assuming assessing the situation, and then dropped his work bag, took both my hands, and started the breathing app on my watch and had me close my eyes and follow the breathing. after we went through the breathing sequence twice, he just held me. 

....

thanking God so much for giving me someone who won't leave me when it gets uncomfortable and wants to be there in the middle of my storms. 

tattoos and autism

i'm figuring out with this new tattoo (working on a half sleeve), knowing now that i have a "self-mutilation" tool of picking things on my skin to feel pain..

and that i have a stim of touching my skin and picking abnormal things, like pimples, and dry skin patches..

having a tattoo on the outside of my arm makes me want to pick at it all the time. restraint!

i may have to put a bandaid over parts of it to create a barrier.
and more coconut oil ;)

The fork in the road

So I was walking this path behind my old school, of course using my walking sticks, because they are amazing, and i came to the fork in the road. Now I know where the left one leads, I go on that one all the time. But I also always forget that there's this other one.

So this time.. I went there!
And guess what.. it ended at a little clearing with a building that looked like either a single person could live there or it could just be used for storage. So yeah..
a couple things.
I adventured!
I stepped out of what I normally do and tried something else. :) It was short lived, but i did it! And it didn't hurt me, it wasn't like this mind blowing experience, but I tried something else. I'm proud of that. And I should be.

I had a chance to do something different.. and I didn't stick to only what I know. I actually made a choice in my own mind to do something out of the ordinary.
These mindful things I'm talking about are not things we normally think about. They are subconscious activities in most people's minds.
But for someone like me, it's actually impressive that I'm able to break this down and focus on it and reflect on it, and pat myself on the back for taking a new chance. OR any chance at all.

I came to a fork, and I didn't turn back. I decided that i wasn't going to let it freak me out and make me quit. I decided.

This may just be something simple for you, and you're like "omgosh, she's really reading into this thing. it's just a path that splits in two walking in the woods".
yeah.. and it's a big deal. :)

shaving

so.. what's up with shaving?

i have a friend who doesn't shave her armpits.
i am at a point to where i shave my legs either if i feel they're overgrown, or if i'm going somewhere public that i'll be wearing like a swimsuit or shorts.

my husband shaves his beard.
i pluck my long chin hairs and i shave my upper lip.

but really.
what's up with the shaving?
why do we feel it's necessary?

society, you suck.

today

i have no motivation, yet i want to get things done. but i don't know what. i want to write in my book. i want to do some crafting. i want to play my piano, but i don't because that would make noise. hmm.

what would make me proud at the end of the day?

finish the dishes.

i already did research for MS. I already did what my husband asked online about car insurance, and I already read through our home insurance policy because he wants me to explain it to him.

But i don't feel accomplished. sigh.

i think i'll drink my coffee and heat and massage my neck, i jacked it up last night.

then maybe i'll know what to do. and hoping to not fall asleep.

hi. how are you?

(i feel stuck between anxiety and depression.. i feel nothing. i'm trying to let myself realize that that's ok.. there's nothing to provoke an emotion right now.)

ouch! ok yeah i gotta take care of this neck pain. be back later.

becoming lost.. journey to finding myself again

Sometimes i just feel so lost and over-turned as a person, with everything I deal with in my own body and mind, and now knowing who i can really talk to about different points in my life..

like when i know something in happening in my mind because of POTS.. who is ok to talk to about that?
when I know i'm over-reacting or becoming overwhelmed because of Anxiety or Autism.. who can I turn to that could help? talk me through it, help me focus.

....
It really is true..
when someone has invisible illnesses and mental health issues.. it's a very different life.
There's never really one person you can turn to for everything..

And it truly does feel like you're losing yourself.

Not in a depressing way, necessarily.. just knowing you'll never be the same you that you used to be, and a new lifelong journey of being ok with the new you, and getting to know yourself again.

Hi Cami.. I'm Camella.

....
In this also realizing that the only 1 true being I can turn to for all of it is my heavenly Father. So I am becoming more purposeful and driven to become close to Him. Because whenever I try to turn to people.. now knowing which one of them can hear me and help me.. I become lost. I start to spiral.

I need to find a quiet place a reach for Him in it.

inspiration from "Love Does" by Bob Goff

I was going to turn this into a Facebook post, but then I just kept finding new things to write, new things to share, so here it is. :)
As always I SERIOUSLY encourage you to purchase and read this book.

"I used to think that taking a risk would reduce the number of friends I have, but now I know that love draws more people in.

Living a different kind of life takes some guts and grit and a new way of seeing things.

You just bring all the game you've got. Not surprisingly, the game you've got always seems to be enough.

The one of the things about love. It doesn't recognize boundaries and never obeys the rules we try to give it.

I usually just try to figure out what the next step is and then do that. After that, things start happening. Things that perhaps have God's fingerprints on them. You'll know which ones do and which ones don't. Pick the ones that do.

Pick something you aren't just able to do; instead, pick something you feel like you were made to do and then do lots of that. You weren't just an incredible idea that God never got around to making.

He made us to dream. We were meant to dream a lot."

Memorizing Jesus- "Love Does" by Bob Goff

I'm going to share with you a few excerpts from this book that I just finished, and will totally read over again. I encourage you go get this book for yourself, it's totally worth it.

"I used to think I could learn about Jesus by studying Him,
but now I know Jesus doesn't want stalkers.

What I realized about my faith is that I was doing just that, collecting information and memorizing things about God, purchasing artifacts and bumper stickers about Christianity, and I talked about knowing Jesus like we were best friends, when actually, we really hardly knew each other at all.

It didn't intersect my life; it just bounced up against my life on Wednesdays.
What's up with equating 'Bible Study' with knowing God anyway? Wouldn't it be a horrible thing if we studied the ones we loved instead of bonding in deeper ways by doing things with them?

The truth is, until I've experienced something personally, I usually don't remember it.

We need to make our faith our very own love story."

The thought behind this is amazing. Instead of sitting somewhere for hours on end, pouring over pages and pages of information and memorizing it and not feeling any connection to it.. basically treating it like homework, we need to interact with it to know it. When we study for tests, unless it's something that's interesting to us and we want to know more about it on a personal level, we forget what we just "learned" right after we take the test, and hope we had absorbed enough information from studying to know the right answers to the questions. When something is personal, we learn things without even trying, and we keep the information inside because it's something we care to know.

My Medical Me

Major

*hEDS- faulty collagen, born with it. it's affected me all my life, but after having kids, since about 30 years old, my health has taken a nose dive. having more problems with joints coming in and out, subluxing ribs, hips, fingers, jaw

*HFA- autistic- childish, make the wrong calls, problems with communication, i don't understand neurotypical things, shutdown, overstimulated, confused easily, wall flower, pick my skin, overthinking, always worried i’m doing the right or wrong thing, feeling uncomfortable in most social situations, i need structure and careful planning, i don’t do well with change (even small changes)

*POTS- dizzy, nauseous, cognitive decline, black outs, brain fog, heat and cold intolerance, out of breath easily, confused, not able to think logically, sometimes ask questions that don’t make sense. Right Bundle Branch Block- the right side of my heart doesn’t “fire” correctly, so my EKG looks abnormal, but it’s normal for me. 

*chronic constipation, GERD, acid reflux- food sensitivities, diet change (gluten, soy, dairy, acidy foods and drinks, high animal fats like beef, sausage, bacon- i eat a lot of fruits, veggies, rice, potatos, almond and coconut products). these create inflammation, hormonal reactions, being backed up so far it’s an ER trip, terrible gas and bloating

*generalized anxiety disorder

*undiagnosed depression

*chronic migraine and headaches- tiggers: food, dehydration, weather changes, not enough sleep, too hot, food with high nitrates/red wine/sausage, computer screen for too long, neck instability (life)

*restless leg syndrome- soooo uncomfortable, it can get so bad that i'm just crying because there's nothing I can do and I feel like peeling off my skin and crawling out of my body. (think about feeling like this while riding in a car, or driving a car.. yeah.. it’s happened)

*partially reversed cervical spine (neck)- my neck pain and crunching is excruciating sometimes to the point where if i don’t find a massager and quick, i’m going to get a cervicogenic migraine because the muscles in my neck are working so hard to keep my head straight. some days, i have to wear a neck brace around home because the muscles just aren’t strong enough.

Minor

*TMJD- not being able to chew because my jaw muscles are so tense, it causes grinding at night, popping when I open and close my mouth, also causes chronic tinnitus in both ears (oh my gosh, it’s so annoying, and sometimes very loud and weird pitches). I can open my jaw too wide sometimes and pop it slightly out of place, also it can be bad when i go to clean my ears I go in too far and too hard so then my inner ears hurt for a couple days.

*dysphagia- i have a terrible gag reflex and sometimes food, even soup, gets stuck in my chest

*interstitial cystitis (painful bladder syndrome)- had to cut WAY back on acidy foods (tomatoes, strawberries, oranges, grapefruits are a nono, can only drink dark roast coffee, etc)

*allergies (horses and pencillium, outdoor mold, seasonal)

*greater trochanter bursitis

*bicep tendonitis (when I sublux)

*shoulder bursitis

*deviated septum (post nasal drip)

*morton’s neuroma- pinched nerve between toes if i’m not wearing custom orthotics with a metatarsal pad

*permanently dislocated thumbs (Basal CMC joint- custom made hand braces)

*thoracic outlet syndrome- pain and tension and instability in my upper back, neck and shoulders, if left unchecked creates functional scoliosis.. can’t stand or sit for very long without my spine feeling like it’s compression into my hips.

*myopia- near sighted, glasses

*bunions on both feet- the instability and flatness of my feet make my big toes underlap the toe beside it, and push the joint out to the side. the joints then hurt like arthritis (aching, stabbing, pinching). i do have bunion correctors, but i can’t wear them all the time. 

*asthma- minor asthma, i carry my inhaler in my purse just in case. sometimes an anxiety attack can flare it up, or if i’m too physically active.

*hormone deficiency- i use a DHEA spray to level out my hormones, this way i don’t have pimples and bumps everywhere, i actually have some libido now whereas before it was basically gone, and i don’t have as much hair growth on my chin/neck anymore.

*muscle spasms- there was a point to where this effected my intimacy so bad, i didn’t want to finish, because it would create massive muscle spasms that would send me crying running to the bathroom. i have muscle spasms at the top of my rectum that were like something was stabbing me (it’s called proctalgia fugax), i was sure there was something wrong inside. muscle twitches and spasms in basically any body part. face, arm, thigh, foot, glute, bicep, neck.. you name it, it’s probably happened. grateful for meds for RLS and muscle relaxers. 

*vitamin D deficiency- sucks away my energy. i now take vid D3 5000UI to help me not be sooooo tired, now i’m just exhausted ;) but liveable. 

*chondromalacia patella- my knee crunch. the cartilage in between is wearing out. I had to quit running after my sophomore year in high school because they were already getting bad. Now most days either I use a cane or I use knee wraps/braces or I just suck it up because I get sick of using devices and tools. 

I like knowing these things because it has helped me really understand and know myself better. I don't use these things as crutches, and I love to be able to inform people when they ask. For me it's been a journey of knowing myself and finding my place and being able to take one step at a time.. a journey of trust and faith. The labels don't make me who I am, they describe parts of me. I, myself, am a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made, with a voice that is now supposed to be heard. I was meant to do the things I have in my life and just the right times, because that is God's plan. It's definitely different than I would ever want or dream, it's been a rollercoaster, so many seasons in life, but i'm finding my strength in it, i've been able to help and lead other people in the last few months just by speaking out and being real and open than i think i have ever. I have had to leave the work place because of all these complications and changes physically and mentally, change so many things about what i'm used to: change my exercise, now it's PT, walking and sometimes swimming (even that has been too much to some degree). I've changed my eating habits drastically and my body is thanking me. The thing is, I wouldn't want someone else to have to deal with that I am. I have people around me that care about me and take care of me and WANT to take care of me. I am a mother to these wonderful girls, and because I am I can understand their pains and other things like nobody else would. Jazmine has the same thing I do (hEDS and POTS, anxiety and depression- she also has ADHD). Not to mention all the amazing people I have met because of all the opportunities I have had.. certain Dr's, physical therapy. The "blessing and a curse" analogy is true. It does suck that I've had to deal with these things, and that I will continue to every single day, and getting worse, for the rest of my life, however long that ends up being. But i'm grateful that I've had all the help that I have, the Dr's I've been led to, the support groups i'm part of, the people I've MET in those support groups.. and this awesome backyard i'm sitting in right now. I have a goal to get my flower garden all flattened out and transplanted and ready so next year I get to watch things grow and come to life and have a bench in the middle to just sit and "smell the roses" per se. (I'm not much for roses.. shrugs) Each day is a new day. I will live it to my best. 

swim suit shopping.. oh boy

Ok so.. my oldest daughter, she's 13.

She's growing, as she should be. So her swimsuits from being on swim team last year are too small.. as they should be!

So.. we go out shopping for a new swimsuit. She's not on swim team anymore, so we can play around with stuff. 

Oh. My. Gosh. 

Ok.. so here's the deal. 

She's not a child.. so we can't shop in the kid section.. she's 13 and she's getting into ladies sizes. 

But she's not quite there. 

We eventually find a set that's a women's small bottom and top.. we had to DIG for it!

But seriously. It's hard to find something in the women's section that cute enough for a teenage girl! 

Let alone the fact that (i've noticed this more recently, having girls growing up in my own house) little girls swimsuits are usually cute little one pieces or sporty two pieces, then they get up into teenage sizes and they barely cover any skin, and then once they are past the young adult sizes, they become one piece mumu's! And i'm not saying that to bash on anyone to is a larger size or anything.. not at all. But come on. 

Sure, we want our girls to learn to be comfortable in their own skin and be themselves and be confident.. but I really don't think we should be showing them that baring their whole body in public is ok. I'm all for a cute bikini, but my goodness.. at least half the ones we saw at Walmart barely covered the same amount as a bra and panties would! 

Save our girls, people. 

Don't let them parade around, barely covered. 

Teach them about being attractive and owning who they are, but doing it modestly and respect themselves. 

I don't expect them to cover up from head to toe.. not by any means. 

But please, have a sense of dignity.. 

And remember.. if you buy it, they will make more. Stop purchasing these kinds of clothing from the store. You may have to spend some time to find something that's worth your money, but it is.. it's worth it. 

Those 2.5 hours I spent with her today hopping between 4-5 different stores was worth my time, because she knows that she should respect herself, and that she shouldn't be forced to wear something she doesn't feel good in. And she knows, that she should be able to wear ANYthing anytime she wants, and if guys don't like it.. too bad. Her life is not about them.. her life is about being the best HER. And she's amazing. 

parts of the family

I've been ruminating lately about the different parts of my family.. interested in the different places we are all at, different "careers" and "jobs", different family sizes and ages.. it's intriguing. :)

My parents.. My dad will be 70 in August.. wow!
He has embraced his white hair.. i love it. He is getting close to retirement from his computer job at the hospital. He's always been a worker bee.
My mom just turned 29 again (for the 40th time.. ahem). :) She has been staying at home now as a wife, housekeeper, landlord and grandma for about 5 years (i think.. could be longer). She likes that she can work on things at her own pace now, and she gets to enjoy watching her kids and their kids grow and change.

My older brother.. He's 39 this year. He is now a minister of music at a local church, he is finished up more online schooling this week. His wife is an oncology nurse at our local hospital. They have been blessed with 6 kids, the first 5 of which are girls.. the oldest is 19 this year, and in college, the youngest of which is a little man who is turning 5 in a couple weeks! They have lived in 4 different states now, and they are back to Michigan (I believe) for good.

Myself and my husband... He is a cinematographer. He has owned his own business for 11 years now, officially for 9, and is also in a business partnership that kicked off in (I think) 2016. I have had many jobs, but I am now blessed with the opportunity to be a homemaker, wife, mom, and an advocate for invisible illnesses, mental health and my faith. It's been quite an awesome opportunity (in more than 1 sense of the word) to be able to do this.

My younger brother.. lives one state away, and he is a pathology assistant at a hospital. His wife is a graphic designer, and they have 2 beautiful kiddos. He turned 32 this year.

Hey, we are all in our 30s!

My younger sister.. is an RN at our local hospital, JUST turned 30, and is married to a gentleman who works at a steel factory (he just turned 29. He can join the 30 club next year). They together have 5 awesome kiddos, 2 boys and 3 girls.

------
Looking at this amazing combination of abilities and faces and walks of life.. I am blessed to be part of it.
So thankful for these gifts.