questioning things and realizing realities

i have an honest thought.

and this stems from my own experiences the last few years and, honestly, back into my junior high and high school years. 

when i was young, i questioned myself a lot. wanted to fit in, wondered why people didn't like me, learned to put up walls in certain areas of my life and learned to blend in where I could. 

.....

in my journey the last few years, i have been finding out a lot of things about me medically, medical truth, mental health truths, psychological truths.. that now I'm grateful that i'm at a spot where I don't have to question as much. i am able to pinpoint, for the most part, why things happen, symptoms and triggers. i'm not ignoring my body and my mind anymore. i did that for too long.

unfortunately, people who didn't know me when i was younger have a "reality" of me that is someone who doesn't question things or who has put certain walls up and needs to have them challenged. this is hard for me because i've already had those challenges in my life when i was school age, and now, the people that have only known me from age 17 and up don't know that part of my story. 

so i'm feeling barraged by people, who love me and want the best for me, because they don't see me question many things and see me be open to more things than maybe they think i should. now that i have more answers in my life than ever, i don't feel a need to question as much, and i have already been through the wringer emotionally multiple times in my life, which is why i tend to be numb at times. 

the people closest to me are honestly the ones that met me when i was 17+ years old, and the people that knew me before that have watched me change. 

it's hard for me to show people who have only known me as an adult that i'm done with the questioning, and that my life is at face value now. the deep work has been done, i'm moving on, and now i'm just trying to be more real with the people who care to still be here. 

i'm realizing that not all of them are going to be ok with me being so aloof and non-challenging. But at this point.. i'm going to put my hands up and just say.. so be it. 

if i can't be accepted in my open form, then i'm not going to pretend to wear a mask anymore than i have to. 

maybe they just need to learn to know the real me. not the me they think they know. 

.....

i feel sometimes like my life has been lived backwards. like i had to do all of these adult brain things when i was younger, not knowing why i was different and not really being who i should be (i always was told i seemed more mature and older than my age), and now that i can really be me and finding out my medical and emotional and psychological truths, i can be my raw self. 

i know not everyone is going to accept that. (sometimes i don't even accept that, but i'm trying)

i'm also finding that it's ok for people to not accept that, but that's a hard thing for me to grasp. the "real me" has been covered up for so many years.. 

and the real live medically interesting, psychologically scarred, random, inappropriate, non-intense me is finally feeling real happiness and freedom. 

there is much anxiety in these relationships (at least on my end), but i have to learn to let things go, even if they think they are doing the best for me, i know what i need. just saying "ok" as a response is.. ok. 

it almost feels like they have a necessity inside themselves to challenge me and make me question myself. 

i've done enough of that. 

it's time for me to just be me.. and not care if they accept that. 

they don't have to.. i do. 

the hardest part about this is my need to please others, so this is a constant tug-of-war on my insides.

....

my reality is that every day i wake up, grateful that i woke up, even if i feel sick and in pain. my reality is that i have mental processing problems, and that i have chronic anxiety, i have trouble making up my own mind, i am literal, i am soft and i am intense at the same time. i very much enjoy non-physical human interaction, even though i won't remember most of it. i need a nap most days, i do my chores 1 at a time and assess how i feel in between each one. i schedule when i can be physically active because i know i will need prep time and recovery time. and i try to be as much myself as possible. 

my reality will progress as the years go on, as everybody's does. 

but i will always, always try to be true to who i am, even with other people's opinions shroud my view in the mirror.
.....
it's good and it's healthy to question things.
but we also have to be ok with 1. not knowing all the answers and 2. being ok with the answers we get.