what we think is real, but it doesn't tell the truth.

what you think is real
feelings are real
feel them
allow them space
but then find out why they are there
and find the truth behind them.

feelings, themselves, are fickle. and they lie.

what we consider valuable

from the book- The Last Arrow

i'm just going to leave this here and let you know mull it over. it's very personal what each person values.

if i look at my Pinterest boards and see the boards with the highest number of pins.. this shows me what i spend most of my time and effort on. (i know you're curious, so i'll just tell you.. they are "cats, fun, food and relationships".)

me versus tv

My husband mentioned the fact of why we were looking at headphones, he wanted over ear and was wondering if I would use them too. Then he said “like in the show atypical, he wears headphones not to listen to music but to muffle the sounds around him, like you, right?” Oh my gosh, babe, thank you for understanding!

it's a game changer to have him slowly seeing and piecing together that autistic me is real and that autistic me is acceptable. <3

this makes my heart smile and sink into a pillow.

define healthy

this stems from a conversation i had with a friend of mine about how we view each other's lives and our definitions of healthy.

we all think things about life and sometimes we are irritated or disagree

healthy: beneficial to one's physical, mental, or emotional state : conducive to or associated with good health or reduced risk of disease

since this definition is based on one person, i find agreement in this that "healthy" is a different state or meaning for each single person. 

find your healthy. 

Make up before the TenCate party

My oldest daughter asked me before a family Christmas party if I was going to wear makeup (reminded me, really). She knows that I like to cover up my scars when I go to large gatherings. (Large meaning more than a couple people.)

I love that she knows little things like that about me. 

every kids dream

My oldest daughter asked me in the car the other day, what store I got my wedding ring from? I told her Zales and she said "so every kiss DOESN'T begin with K". That made me laugh :) smarty pants.

Then my husband said something during the week about dreams, every adults dream (I don't remember what it was). But he said every KIDS dream was Disney Land. "What kid doesn't want to go to Disney Land!" He was recalling a time when he was young that his mom surprised him and his sister after school with a trip to the air port.

But.. I beg to differ.
Every kids dream isn't Disney Land.
My dream when I was little was just to have a quiet room to read, and then time to ride my bike to my one neighbors house, or down to the creek.
I did have a dream of being a teacher or writing books.
But no.. never Disney Land.

Daily fun

Laying on the couch to rest after I went to my moms house this morning to help her put up some Christmas decor (borrowed her knee wrap.. couldn’t bend without pain). Bent over to take a chip from my snack bowl.. ope!.. muscle cramp left oblique.

Using the steps at home, so much pain in my knees and pressure. I had to text my daughters friend while they were volunteering at church so she could go get my other daughter and come out to the car, because I was too embarrassed to use my cane.
That and I had already taken a shower and didn't have much energy left.

10:15 pm
got some receipts processed, and looked up some SSD and SSI information. about 4 weeks until I get my first direct deposit "income check".

still seems strange. but now i'm exhausted.. my eyes are watering soo bad. i have to have a snack or i won't sleep tonight. i hate when i get hungry just before bed.

my husband laughing

I’ve noticed since I started becoming more comfortable with showing my real self, my husband has been laughing more and/or made it easier for me to have sarcastic fun. There are still things that I’m finding are over the edge or maybe unintentionally racist or unacceptable. Figuring this masking/autism thing out. I love his laugh. :) 

what's one thing in your life that you're proud of?

honestly.. i hard a hard time with this, i think mainly because i have a hard time feelings things.

i have a condition (that's part of being autistic) that's called 

and then there's also


so between not knowing what i'm feeling, the inability to put those feelings into words, and the loss of feeling joy in things that i usually do..

it's hard for me to feel proud of something.
i guess i'm proud of myself for researching and learning these things?

gotta do what I gotta do

it’s frustrating dealing with not having the energy to do things i want to, things i like to do. at least at this point, i’ve gotten through my friends sewing order, so i can feel relief from that. and i do. 

so now, it’s just encouraging myself to keep up with the chores and read part of a new book, but then i go to write about something on my blog, and i don’t have feelings that i can pin down, or i don’t know how to relay what i’m feeling. there’s a numbness inside.. and it’s unfortunate and frustrating. 

finding a bit of release using my blog.. 

plugging through 

A different point of view

I’m going to start with the fact that my husband just lost a cousin. We attended her funeral, her parents were there... my husband decided to stop over at his aunt and uncles house after work yesterday to just chat and he was there for a while and said he could easily have stayed for more hours. :)

On the way home when he called me, he mentioned that after talking to his uncle about health problems and their life and my problems and stuff, he was thinking about how he has a learning disability and I have a lot of physical and mental issues, and jazmine has ADHD like him, and Alivia’s on the autism spectrum and our youngest daughter might have some mental problems.... he feels like he married into the medical jackpot.

Seems like he's right. :P
Who would have thought that what we've found out would be such a reality for a family.

It makes a difference

 I’ve been struggling more recently with my depression disorder and I wasn’t planning on going out at all this week except for my psychology appt. but then I remembered I have to take three papers to SSA, I have to get supplies for my daughters school project and out snake needs a feeder mouse . So I went out, I started with me husbands office to print out some things. When I got to the dollar tree, I decided to go to the coffee house beside it to try to calm my nerves because the SSA office made me very anxious. As I was checking out at the dollar tree and the cashier asked how I was and I gave a deep breathe and said “I’m ok”... and he responded. He didn’t blow it off, he responded and said “it doesn’t seem like you’re ok”.

I just got home 5 minutes ago (a normal 1 hour round trip took me over 2 hours to complete) and I called the dollar tree and he picked up the phone. I told him I really appreciate that he was genuinely concerned and said he noticed my non-ok-ness (ew, cringing at my made up word), that I was struggling and that it helps to have someone say something. 

me-my-ownership and comparison

i feel bad that i find myself comparing disability and ways of life.

i follow people on instagram that struggle with the same things i do in many different ways of living, and it's calming to see that it varies in visibility.

but then when i think about my best friend/soul mate and that she has the same disabling condition (but different comorbidities) and she struggles through a full time job (makes it work), while i have been pushing through to get disability income because my function is more disabling mentally..

i feel bad that i don't work.
and i thought i was over that.
but maybe it's true what they say about grief.. you never really "get over it", you just learn to be ok with the new reality.

I also think when it's someone you're close to, and you feel like you should be in a similar boat or living the same way..

at least for me, there's a tension inside of me. i'm not sure it's comparison or if it's just my struggle to be ok with my condition or lack of capability.

--
it's very trying for me to wrap my mind around.
and i find that i can't.

i notice the more i think of it, the harder it feels to move past the awkwardness inside.

i'll try to push it out of my mind and come to grips with all people being different and needing different things at different times.
also that where i am is valid, and to affirm it for myself; reassure myself of my own validity.

Where do you feel most at “home“

The relaxed definition of at home means to be in harmony with your surroundings. For some, the idea represents a physical space — maybe a place you frequent or your own four walls. For others, that sense of peace may be best found within yourself or in the presence of someone you deeply trust.

-
i feel like for me, home is where certain people are. the people i'm comfortable with. the space itself can shift and move, i mean sure, i have a rooted solid house/home. but at the same time, i feel more "at home" curled up with my husband, or having coffee and holding hands with my BFF.. than any physical place.

lol recognition

I just realized someone in a tv show quoted a poem by Robert first I learned in high school “miles to go before we sleep” silly autistic brain :) I love hearing these things and knowing what they’re from. Random bits of information

also reminds me of when Brian and I were in New york/New Jersey last month for my uncles funeral and we took a drive upstate and i saw a tree and i randomly said "it's a chinese maple", my husband was like.. ok?

Introverts please?

very very very very ... yes :)

fun thing- i get to be a mix of things :) not just medically, but also mentally and emotionally. i'm an ambivert, which means i can be outgoing and social, but then i also really need time alone and don't want people around me.

unfortunately, this flip can happen at any time..
and being autistic as well, i can get very overwhelmed or start to have more physical touch anxiety/over stimulation very quickly. and when i can finally get out of a situation, i have to have a quiet space with nobody around to work through it until i'm ok.

last night i had a wonderful experience with a cousin-in-law. Recently she took it upon herself to do a small Bible study series with my youngest daughter, and my sister-in-laws daughter (my niece), and now that they are done with their series, we were meeting together just as ladies to talk through the experience. we met at a new coffee house in town, and my sister-in-law didn't show up (she forgot) and i was relieved that it would only be me and my cousin-in-law. not that i don't enjoy my sister-in-law but i do better in smaller groups of people. this also leads me to feeling sometimes like other people parent or shop or do "whatever" better than me, so i can feel very inadequate with no fault to anyone, that's just what my wiring leads me to, and i hate it. it was still a bit awkward to be with the cousin (i don't really know why), but it felt nice to weight the option of getting out of the house, away from the crazy of the kids, and just have coffee and a snack with someone of the same mindset and age bracket. (she's a married adult with the same faith base, so we can communicate on better levels than someone else, who might not understand.)

the problem with "small talk"

my husband @ church, people always walk by and say "hi, how are you?" and don't wait or even care for a response.

the cultural norms of small talk

not making sense to ask a person how they are if they don't stop and take the opportunity to listen to the answer, and learn more about you.

Who are you really at the Core? Week 1 Crossroads, Bah Humbug

Who are you really at the Core? 

When you strip away all the outer things, the job, the clothes, the car, the family, the haircut, the words we say and the masks we wear... 

Who are you.. really? 

sim pli fy: to make simpler; 1. to reduce to basic essentials; 2. to diminish in scope or complexity; 3. to make more intelligible. 

A Pretentious showy life is an empty life, a plain and simple life is a full life- Proverbs 13:7

* You won't say "no" to anything if you have never said "yes" to something. 

You have more choices than you think. 

When you say "yes" to something, there is a ripple effect of saying "no" to other things. 

Saving up for a car? You have to turn down pizza night and some movies and road trips in order to get there. 

*What have I said yes/no to? 

What's in my box? What is my core "yes"? 

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- Downsize your calendar.
Every deadline gives you one more reason to rush.
Choose wisely.

- Take up a slow hobby.
Reading
Meditating
Painting
etc

- Turn off technology.
The new phrase "tech free day". Use it! Keep your tv, computer, iPhone and iPad screens off.

- Invest time in people.
Sit down to dinner once a week with your family.
Go out for a walk with someone.
Take your lunch break with a coworker.
Stop by and say hi at someone's house on the way home.

1 Corinthians 9:14

• 1 Corinthians 9:14 (NIV)

  In the same way, the Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should receive their living from the gospel.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  If we are listening to the Lord and He has instructed us to preach the gospel.. should be literally be doing this as our bread and butter? 
  According to this verse written by Paul to the people in Corinth, that's exactly what we should be doing. 
  If we are called to be ministers, then we should be pursuing it like a job.. making it the only thing we do every day, all day, and reaping the seeds of living/finance/having our needs provided for through it. 
  
  
  Food for thought. For anyone who is in the ministry field.. how "into it" are you?!