how do we know what love is?

quoting an old song "I wanna know what love is! I want you to show me!"
well.. here we go

(types of love)
https://www.learnreligions.com/four-types-of-love-in-the-bible-363380

Agape Love - this kind of love is unconditional.
Storge Love - this is the kind of love of people who live in the same home.
Phileo Love - this is the kind of love that is created between friends, or perhaps a soul mate.
Eros Love - this kind of love is the physical, intimate kind.

"Pronunciation: [Uh - GAH - Pay]

Perhaps the best way to understand agape love is to think of it as the type of love that comes from God. Agape is divine love, which makes it perfect, pure, and self-sacrificing. When the Bible says that "God is love" (1 John 4:8), it's referring to agape love.

Pronunciation: [STORE - jay]

The love described by the Greek word storge is best understood as family love. It's the kind of easy bond that naturally forms between parents and their children -- and sometimes between siblings in the same household. This kind of love is steady and sure. It's love that arrives easily and endures for a lifetime.

Pronunciation: [Fill - EH - oh]

Phileo describes an emotional connection that goes beyond acquaintances or casual friendships. When we experience phileo, we experience a deeper level of connection. This connection is not as deep as the love within a family, perhaps, nor does it carry the intensity of romantic passion or erotic love. Yet phileo is a powerful bond that forms ​a community and offers multiple benefits to those who share it.

Pronunciation: [AIR - ohs]

Eros is the Greek term that describes romantic or sexual love. The term also portrays the idea of passion and intensity of feeling. The word was originally connected with the goddess Eros of Greek Mythology."

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Now speaking of loving each other.. 

We are to have Agape love for all people. While some of them will not accept this, will not understand it or even push against it, is it up to us to show this Agape love to everyone. 

what is blasphemy?

blasphemy is 

the act of insulting or showing contempt or lack of reverence for God 
the act of claiming the attributes of a deity
----saying that you are Godclaiming to be the Lord
This is the only sin that that is inexcusable and unforgivable. You cannot claim you are God and be pardoned and forgiven by the true God of the universe.

what do you believe about God

https://answersingenesis.org/who-is-god/

the gospel

Your belief about Him versus the gospel story. Heaven requires perfection, that’s why Jesus died. We can’t do it ourselves.

Whoever will believe in what Jesus did, in the fact that God sent Jesus to earth to live a perfect life and be killed on the cross and shed His perfect blood. 

This is the truth. Truth doesn’t change because we believe in other things. Our minds can make up anything they want. But truth doesn’t change. 

If you believe this as truth, you can tell God that you want Him to guide your life and you want to give up your sins to Him and you want change that only He can give. You will always have his spirit in you to guide your life if you accept His truth and ask Him for a personal relationship. Tell him you know your sins and you want forgiveness for them and you want a fresh start. 

"so what"

judgement is someone actively choosing to miss out

it's unfortunately human nature to judge something or someone within seconds of meeting them. we make assumptions and stories in our minds before we even say hello or shake their hand.

but when we make judgements on purpose in relationships, we are actively, purposefully, choosing to miss out on things that the other person is offering.

and a lot of times we have no base for our judgements.
we see something that we wouldn't normally be ok with, and instead of opening our minds to the possibility of something different and better, we close off and choose to remain where we are.

when we are on the receiving end of this, we need to remember that the person judging you is choosing to miss out on something you are offering that is different and possibly scary to them.

our attitude toward the judgements people choose should be "so what?". instead of internalizing it and thinking that we did something wrong and we are going somewhere or doing something that's not ok, we need to be ok with the fact that they turned it down and go on our merry way.

they are judging my sense of style.. so what? this is me, they don't have to like it or join me in my fashion journey.

they are judging my way of parenting.. so what? this is what works for me and mine, they can find something that works for them and that's ok.

they are judging my way of life.. so what? they live the way they live, I'll live the way I live, we can be respectful of each other and celebrate our differences instead of shunning them and ignoring them.

next time you are judged…

"so what?" you do what you think is best for you, whether someone judges you and misses out on your journey or not.

you.. who you are.. shine your light

"i'm gonna let it shine"

"don't let someone dim your light simply because it's shining in their eyes."

You are made to be who you are made to be.
Other people become uncomfortable with differences, so they push back. Society tries to put us in a box, and when we don't fit in, they called us freaks, weirdos, they don't know what to do with us. So we are left feeling like we don't belong.

Because we don't.
We are unique.
You are made to be who you are made to be.
It's time to embrace yourself and let that light shine.

something hit me doing my devotions- book the Worn out Woman

so this paragraph I read in my devotion book yesterday really hit me..

"You may have grown up, for example, with a parent who was sometimes loving and nurturing, but other times was unduly harsh or cruel. Not knowing what to expect, you tried harder and harder top lease. Maybe you felt loved by your parents only when you made good grades or excelled in sports. You still feel the pressure. Or perhaps when you were growing up, you were made to feel selfish if you didn't respond to every favor asked, and the guilt followed you into womanhood. No may be a hard word for you to say."

this really hit my soul and after reading it a couple a times, I was still crying.
wow
I guess my inner child is still healing

opinions

Opinions are like buttcracks, everyone has one and sometimes they stink

feeling alone, spiraling into distraction

"When we're spiraling in noise or distract ness, we have a choice to shift our minds back to God through stillness.

When we're spiraling in isolation, we have a choice to shift our minds back to God though community."


Do you/I/we have a community we can rely on to turn to?

Are you connected with someone/other people that you can turn to in order to help you refocus and ground yourself when things get out of hand, or when life gets to be too much?

I have found myself that I have support groups via facebook and a couple people that I can touch base with. I have a traumatizes group, a Christian EDS group, an autistic group, and other people to check in with. I'm very grateful to have these tools and other people who can understand me and walk with me through times that are hard.

Maturing as an Autistic

"Friendly reminder that the reason why autistics seem "very mature" as kids and "too childish" as adults is that their interests don't' follow society's expectations of interests appropriate to their age OR the interest of their peers. "

"I've always wondered why I pretty much matured in reverse. This makes so much sense. "

"This is why it was weird for me to carry around encyclopedias and academic textbooks about the things that fascinated me, to read for fun, when I was little, and why it's still weird now. "



This was always the way I was as a kid.. books were my favorite friends. And I had a collection of them at home that I barely ever added to. I liked to read them over and over and over.

Adults always used to say how mature I was, how I seemed older and wiser than other kids.

But now as an adult, I don't feel like an adult.
I feel very naive and irresponsible.
I don't understand most of the things that I'm supposed to, sometimes people as why I don't know about something that seems like it would be common knowledge.

Gods name

What do you call God? What is he to you? What is your relationship with him?

Father
Lord
Jesus
My Creator

He is my dad
I respect Him
I'm grateful that He never thinks of me as less
I am a whole beautiful creation

He will always listen to me
He will never judge me for anything I spill to Him
He will tell me what I need to change

He leads me every step of my life
Even when I don't like His answer
Or am scared of what He wants me to do

I am so grateful for wherever He takes me
Because his plan is better than mine.

noise

Define- a sound, especially one that is loud or unpleasant or that causes disturbance

What I hear

crunching
fridge door

voices- tv, iPads, kids, husband
phone calls

cars outside passing my house
honk
the heater turning on
other people talking through text

the sounds of games being played on devices

what was I trying to focus on again? 

coronavirus - mental health

i miss being alone

trying to find moments of quiet
where i don't have to think about what my kids should be doing

if my husband is going to call me in the next minute

being able to clean the house my way
with nobody in the way
or telling me how to do it different

i miss being alone

i dont like crying
because my anxiety is triggered

i don't like being told i'm spoiled being alone
when in reality, it's necessary for my health for me to be alone

-----
i've had two days now of dealing with my depression pretty bad.
i'm doing better now, but the anxiety triggers are so easy

self-esteem

i'm smart
athletic
great hair
listener
loving
honest
willing
hard working
generous
writer
good mother
organized
crafty
creative
researcher
non-judgmental


what do I think of myself?
----

This is hard

Self esteem is something I've struggled with all my life

I don't want to think too much of myself lest I sound vain
But I don't want to think too little of myself lest I sound suicidal

Always a struggle

If I think i'm pretty, I have a hard time allowing myself tell myself that

If I feel strong or I feel good about myself in some way, I try not to say it out loud, because I feel like i'm fishing for compliments, but really, i'm helping myself feel more confident by allowing other people to agree with that I think about myself.

It's harder, I think, because I grew up not knowing really who I was or where I was supposed to fit in, so i'd try to be like other people, and never really knew who me was. And when I finally did just try to be me, it was this very sporadic flash of color and materials and very odd funky concept of a human.

Self Esteem, I feel...
it's hard enough to have a positive view of yourself when you have other things like magazines and tv and peers and other voices besides your own always weighing in on what they think and giving their opinions.
And then you add on things like neurodiversity instead of neurotypicality.

write down all your fears

i'm afraid of..

people getting sick of me

being lonely but not being alone- being lonely living with other people (depression)

of crying or having a meltdown in public

not using my life the best i should

missing a God opportunity

never publishing my book

what does equality mean for you?

is it for gender equality? women's right, how we feel about our genders.

is it for equality for animals and plant life? vegan living

is it equality for minorities? black people, disabled, third world countries

is it for religions? so that we can all publicly worship in our own ways

what does equality means for you?

anxiety in driving- December 2019

this is why I don't drive long distances. and for me long distance means more than 20 minutes if I don't know where I'm going, or more than 30 minutes one way if I know where I'm going. I always have to leave space in time for myself to be able to stop and gather myself if i'm triggered along the way. 

here's an episode of one of the shorter trips.

------

anxiety 20 mins

into driving

rapid heart rate

deep breathing

pulled over- oils

tried music

turned it off

line of cars behind me

no sunglasses

forgetting something for moms house? 

ham

fruit basket

necklace- XMAS

(mentally checking things off)

(i had all of these things in the car)

------

i'm getting better and smarter about when I have to drive outside of my town. 

black friday shopping anxiety

I have gone shopping with my mother in law and sister in law a couple years in a row now on Black Friday, and i'm prepared for the loudness, lots of people, etc. But they said something about me taking a turn driving, and my anxiety shackled up inside.

It took me a long time to say something to them because my anxiety made me feel like they were going to laugh at me or be angry with me or expect me to explain it, or just not understand and think i'm ridiculous. 

I got up the nerve finally and told them, via text, that I wasn't able to drive on Black Fridays because of my anxiety, I can't drive that far or in those types of environments, etc. And they were totally cool with it! It basically just comes down to one of them driving and the others of us chipping in for gas. 

Dodged a bullet.. 

a bullet that I created in my own mind after I even fashioned the gun. I don't even remember creating the gun. 

Anxiety disorders are such a burden, robbing joy from life.

-----
something little made my day as well
Mom said to Danielle when we got in her vehicle to leave in the morning, "why didn't you have your car warmed up? Cami's car was warm when I got in." joking obviously, but little thing that I feel I did right.

I also learned that my sister in law like Andes Mints and that at some point, she hit a bird. lol oops

the cross

The cross is not an accessory or a piece of bling, it stands for love and light and forgiveness.

It annoys me when people where the cross around their neck and I know for a fact that don't believe in what it means.

That might be judgmental of me, but I feel like that would be like me wearing a swastika on my sleeve.
It in no way shows the beliefs of my heart, but I might think it looks cool.
Is this supposed to be part of freedom of speech?

Because there's also supposed to be freedom of "religion", though I don't believe in religion, you know what I mean.

"what God has done for me!"

When you tell people that God has done so much for you.. are you prepared to answer them if they ask WHAT God has done for you?!

WHAT GOD HAS DONE FOR ME
He brought an amazing man into my life

He brought an amazing girl friend into my life

He taught me that trusting Him was the best thing I could do, because when I try to do things on my own without His guidance, I don't do very well.

He gifted me with three amazing kids, even though the body that houses my soul is coming apart.

He put me in the right places at the right times. I feel the jobs that I had and the time I had at each one was on purpose, and that in some way, either I was touched or I made someone else's day.

He showed me the most amazing doctors, and guided me in each and every phone call and travel.

He allowed me to be in spaces where I could just be open and real with these people and in doing that, I was able to learn the most about myself physically, emotional, spiritually, psychologically.

He is now allowing my husband to work in an amazing place and provide for us.

He lead us to the best place for us to live.

He has guided us each step in the searching for our new church home.

He is guiding me right now in learning about relationships, what is good, what is bad, what needs to change or not.
He has brought new people into my life when I couldn't bear the thought of not having people in my life who have always been there.

He has blessed me with the capability of being a disabled person with other abilities, and using those abilities to show me that God can work through me, whether or not I think He can.

God has given me a family (my parents and siblings) that always support and uplift each other. He has helped mend bonds and bring us through hard times personally and together.

God has shown me that He can work through people who don't even believe in Him in order to bring me to my knees.

this is not all.. but right now this is the list I can come up with ;)

when I found out I was autistic

It’s hard to know who can handle my deep truths and who I still can’t be myself around.

Some people have a hard time with labels because they’ve been labeled all their lives. I never had the luxury of knowing why I was different, so for me now finding answers in adulthood, labels for why u experience are pure gold. 

Stigma around labels


HUGE RELIEF AND TEARS OF JOY AND OMGOSH IM NOT A BROKEN PERSON!

finding out I am autistic was a breath of fresh air
a weight off my shoulders
made me realize i'm not so strange after all

i'm just different
and that's perfectly ok

I LOVE MY LABELS :) i never had a way to figure myself out. now that I have resources, i have answers. and i better know myself.

my labels rock my world :) 

numbness

I know i'm not alone in this.
i'm feel numb towards this virus that i can see on the map spreading across the world.

i think this has to do with alexithymia. i barely ever know how I feel. it takes me a long time and a lot of energy to figure it out.

so whenever someone asks me how i feel about something, most of the time i just shrug my shoulders, because i really don't have an answer.

i also don't fear death, so.. maybe that's a reason why i don't really freak out either?

I don't know what to write about

I feel like i'm putting so much energy into just being home with my kids and making it through each day and attempting to make somewhat of a non-boring "school break"

I don't have a lot of inspiration for writing.

----

I guess i'll work on some of the saved drafts I haven't finished.

labels 🏷

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViS4tT5yGTU

So it's not necessarily about the fact of being labeled, because we make a judgement and label someone within 10 seconds of seeing them.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_GkSHBVHzc

STEREOTYPING

It's the fact that when we are mislabeled, it's hard to change that. And when labels don't match up with who we are, or people ONLY see the label and not the person behind it.. that's when the stigma comes into play.

Labels are not a bad thing.
It's how we use them and allow them to define, instead of poking holes in them. Taking labels at face value instead of questioning them.

The hardest part is to not let yourself internalize these labels and let yourself believe them. You should know you more than anybody else.. because you are you.


I feel good about my labels. :) They help me define me and knew myself. :)

parenting in this new age

my daughter shared something very personal with me last week and when she first approached me to talk to me, she asked if i would be mad and she asked if i would tell dad. 

for one, the rules of that are i can't tell you if i'll be mad or not but i will try my best to keep my emotions under control. the other part to that, number two, is if it's somehow going to be hurtful to any person who might be involved, then yes, i will be sharing it with at least one other adult. but i can tell her at that moment that i will check my emotions and i will also let her decide when would be the best time to tell her father, if she feels like he needs to know, unless i feel like i need to tell him first. 

I did ask her if it had involved touching anyone, anyone touching her, anything inappropriate or illegal. i want to make sure we are both prepared for the conversation and what it might entail, especially if there could be some type of threat to anyone's emotional or physical well-being.

she did end up opening up to me and telling me something that she tried, because she's at the age where kids try things. they want to do things, they are surrounded by peer pressure, they are teenagers in a VERY different world than when i was a teenager, BUT reminding myself that I am not my parents, i am myself, and i have learned a heck of a lot more than they ever had about being vulnerable and allowing us as children to explore our worlds and to remember that as parents, we will always love them, no matter what they decide to try or change or how they interact with other people, and the world around them. 

she told me at the end that she wanted to "try everything". I told her to make a list of what that means, things she wants to try, and put limits/boundaries on them. because "trying everything" can get you in a world of hurt, especially if you leave that open to interpretation, instead of knowing where you're values and boundaries are.

this morning with chronic illness

so since up this morning with my girls, i stumbled out of bed, catching myself on the wall.. caught myself with my arm. not a huge deal, a little bit of disequilibrium.

came downstairs, started coffee, started feeling nauseous before I put ANYthing in my body. usually i'll feel nauseous after i take my medications. i hadn't had coffee, hadn't had water, no meds, hadn't had anything. just felt nauseous from being alive and being awake, i felt sick.

sitting at the table i felt burning in my bladder, thank you to any sugar or acidy foods that i might have had in the last 48 hours for making that happen. probably the cupcakes that i ate at the wedding expo.. that's what i get for enjoying myself a little bit.

the burning is subsiding a bit now but it's not going away until later today. that's been my experience, that is why i only drink dark roast coffee because it is the least acidic and i will not get rid of coffee.

just now i went bathroom and that might sound strange to be telling you out loud, but that triggered an episode of my rectal spasms, so proctalgia fugal, just from going bathroom. if my SI joint is not in place and shifts back into place, sometimes that is what holds fecal matter back in my colon. this morning i had quite a bit released. over the last couple days i haven't had much released, so that's probably why i had the rectal spasms, because my SI joint shifted and i was able to release anything that was backed up in my colon. so then the muscle, the spasms, are trying to stabilize the SI joint. so I ran out, got my muscle relaxer, stuck it under my tongue and prayed that the heat vent would turn on so i could sit on it and rock back and forth. (i didn't want to use my heat pad, the couch is sometimes to soft to sit on in this situation.)

i'm actually sitting here on the heat vent waiting for the heat to turn on.
thankfully the muscle relaxers seem to have taken care of it but i'm going to get up and see if it returns.

this is just the morning of a life with chronic illnesses.
goes to show that this is why we may not look disabled, but we are, because we never have any idea what our bodies are going to throw at us.

compliments.. and autism

so, realized something else again today. 

a friend of mine facebook stalked me and started telling me how beautiful and perfect and gorgeous i am.. which i totally appreciate. 

but i didn't know how to respond. 

i've never taken compliments very easily. 

i don't know what to do with them. 

and i think it's because i don't feel a connection to my physical body like i think normal people do. 

me isn't me.. do you know what i mean? 

i don't put much worth on how i look. 

i mean sure, there are days, where i like to look nice, put on something that's really unique to who i am.. 

but i don't generally connect with my physical being that much. 

so thank you very much, sweet friend, for doting on my outer beauty :) it's very much appreciated :) 

it's probably also because one of my main love languages is "words of affirmation". i would much rather hear something positive or uplifting about the person I am inside.

church notes from 3-1-2020 Bethany Assembly "Hello my name is KNOWN"

How we see God is generally formed by how we were raised.

We showed God our best every Sunday, we would dress up, revere Him.

We should give God our Sunday best everyday, not just Sunday. 

If that means dressing up everyday to help us feel that in our souls, then do it! 

As a King, he deserves reverence. 

As a Father, he deserves obedience. 

Disobedience has consequences, just like on earthly parents. When we disobey, there are consequences. 

My Father is famous- He's a King. But I can come to Him personally to honor and submit to Him, because i'm part of his family.. and he loves me!! 

to be known is to be generally recognized. 

Everyone is God's creation, but in order to be sons and daughters of His, there must be acceptance of the truth of what He did, and submitting to a relationship with Him. 

"Be Still, and know that I am God."

Ephesians 3:14-21

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith -- that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Not to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the peer at work within us, to him be glory to the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. 

Luke 6:38

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.


-----
So God will use the same measuring tool that we do when we measure how we are going to give of ourselves to others.. to bless us with.

Do you want to measure with a pinch?
sprinkle a little love right there.. and i'm good for the week.

Do you want to measure with a measuring cup?
I can put a little here in this email, I can give a little in this hug, and maybe i'll give a little in this cup of coffee. Then i'm done for the day.

I think I would rather measure with the Ocean or the Sky..
I want to see myself as someone who gives of God's love infinitely. I don't want to put a limit on how much or how I share about Him.

There is no limit to God.. why would I measure with something so small and insignificant, when I can measure with the air I breathe?

priorities

we make

eating - a priority
putting clothes on - a priority
brushing our teeth
making coffee
being on time to work
feeding our pets

all priorities

why can't we make time with God a priority?
how do you assess what a priority is to you?

time with God is supposed to be real and honest.
your time is valuable.
Just be yourself with Him.
and make Him a priority.

for He comes before all things

listening to my daughter sing

in church this past weekend, during praise and worship, i could hear my daughters voice beside me.. singing. :)

i'm not sure why this sticks out to me.. she's not really a singer.
usually they are in their own class, so i have no idea if she generally does singing along.

but i had this feeling
just swell up inside of me.
my daughter is singing praise to her Maker.
out loud
not being worried and even thinking of her surroundings
and she doesn't sound half bad :)

she also had a friend with her
and that friend is not a Christian, does not live in a Christian home, but she loves to come to church with us. and she (the friend) also asked for prayer afterwards for a family situation.

i'm in awe
and just so grateful

i know that's not the right word to describe what i'm feeling in this moment.. but there's such a peace and a joy in this.

today

my struggle today is being able to think. really.. i'm having a hard time thinking. i did remember that my husband wanted me to cancel a subscription, and i was able to do that, but i feel like it was default mode. like i just.. did it. 

and i know i need to clean in the kitchen, so that i'm sure also will be default mode. 

i want to have music playing, but when i turn it on, it's too much. i even tried to change the type of music, and it's still too much. my ears have been ringing for 4 days straight, the sound of the street out front is reassuring.. i know i'm where i should be. my calendar reassures me that i don't have to go anywhere, so that's a relief. 

i have been working on my bowl of food for 30 minutes and now it's cold. but it's ok, because at least i know i was hungry and i made myself something. 

i have fresh coffee in the kitchen. i think it'd be a good idea to get a cup and sit down at the table and just be.