me-my-ownership and comparison

i feel bad that i find myself comparing disability and ways of life.

i follow people on instagram that struggle with the same things i do in many different ways of living, and it's calming to see that it varies in visibility.

but then when i think about my best friend/soul mate and that she has the same disabling condition (but different comorbidities) and she struggles through a full time job (makes it work), while i have been pushing through to get disability income because my function is more disabling mentally..

i feel bad that i don't work.
and i thought i was over that.
but maybe it's true what they say about grief.. you never really "get over it", you just learn to be ok with the new reality.

I also think when it's someone you're close to, and you feel like you should be in a similar boat or living the same way..

at least for me, there's a tension inside of me. i'm not sure it's comparison or if it's just my struggle to be ok with my condition or lack of capability.

--
it's very trying for me to wrap my mind around.
and i find that i can't.

i notice the more i think of it, the harder it feels to move past the awkwardness inside.

i'll try to push it out of my mind and come to grips with all people being different and needing different things at different times.
also that where i am is valid, and to affirm it for myself; reassure myself of my own validity.