It started out just feeling like I wanted to write.
Just a little bit ago.
I'm trying to put a name on the feeling..
I just busted my butt cleaning the shower stall in my home (we have a single shower stall that can fit two people, no tub). I've wanted to do that for a couple weeks. Unfortunately I have to wait until I have time, motivated, and low pain. Yeah.. that never all coincides. :)
Today.. I'm definitely still exhausted.. but it's bathroom cleaning day. And I felt up to it.
DID IT!
And I feel proud of myself. :)
I have to do it in stages because it wears me out.
Today I cleaned the white part because it was showing rust and film again. And I did it. :)
Helps to have the right cleaner, too. *shrugs
I'm also in the middle of switching anxiety meds.. from Zoloft to Cymbalta, on my rheumatologists request.
But I've noticed in the last couple weeks, I've felt more.. reassured? More.. like I can test the waters or something.
I've been in a better mood lately, in general. Sure I've DEFINITELY had days where my anxiety reared it's ugly head, or my depression was dragging me down. But I've noticed that i'm getting a better handle on it.
Like with my anxiety, I'm allowing myself to physically show that i'm uncomfortable, like i'll put my hands over my ears, close my eyes and intentionally breath. Or if it's bad enough, put my headphones on and busy myself away from my family. And i'm starting to gravitate to things I know i'm good at, or just that I see need done. Like i'll go in the kitchen and get out some food stuff to cook or prep, or i'll do dishes.. or i might even grab my walking sticks and take a walk in the back yard.
There was actually an instance where I grabbed my journal and started writing everything that had happened, and eventually shared it with a friend. She thought it was eye opening. I'm going to add it to the Autism portion of the book i'm writing.
(BTW i'm writing a book about my life) :)
And yes, this has something to do with it.
I noticed this bit of change in myself after my Autism was finally named. I feel like my world has become almost complete. Like all the past years of trying to find doctors to help me and figures out what's wrong with my body, all the appointments, etc, have really come to a head at this point; I'm finally entering a phase where I know what's going on with each body part and system, and i'm finally able to put all my information into my everyday life.
It's becoming more...
OMGOSH that's the word. I'm becoming more empowered.
That's what i'm feeling. :)
I feel like i'm allowing myself to really be who I am. And in my last couple psychology appointments I've learned about giving myself permission.
I'm allowing myself to feel things and then do something that feeling, whether I keep it and use it or I push it aside. (in no way is this perfected, lol, i've only just begun. but that's it.. I'VE BEGUN)
YAY!!
My confidence in myself is growing. :) Praise God for answers!
What a journey these last few years have been.
So grateful for the steps He's laid out before me, and so grateful that I've been given the wisdom to choose and I've chosen to follow (begrudgingly sometimes or sliding back for a day or so, but hey. I'm human.).
Omgosh the days where I REALLY don't feel like being my best, or doing my best, and just realizing that that's ok and I can give myself permission to wallow for a day. And then get back up and try again.
If at first you don't succeed, try try again. :)
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