So I literally just had an epiphany. I'm reading my chapter in The Worn out Woman, devotion, about playing to your strengths. I literally just had a lightbulb moment that I don't find pleasure in expressing myself musically. This might have something to do with allexithymia, but it doesn't make me happy. It can and has helped me feel calm and connected, but not happiness, the closest thing has been sometimes joy and anxiety.
There was specific times in my life where music was a special interest, but it's not an integral part of who I am. I'm good at it, I'm talented in it. Moving to music and dancing is actually part of stimming for me. So when there's music with a good beat or a certain choreography and I know it, I have to be able to move to it, or my body feels very off. Luckily, because I was a cheerleader and I was able to take clogging lessons growing up, I am not awkward at it, I actually have a really good beat and coordination.
I'm finally able to admit that I'd be completely ok getting rid of my flute and using the sheet music in craft projects. :)
This is why, when my dad wanted me and encouraged me to use my music as a career, I didn't want to do it anymore. Because that's not who I am. I just happen to be good at it. And that's also why it was easier for me to give up being part of a praise team at church when my illnesses started taking over. Because for me it's not mandatory to perform. I just like being part of and listening to it.
I believe this is also part of why I was attracted to my now husband. He was a drummer when I met him, and I became a groupie. :)
Wow. This is a huge thing for me to realize.
And when I went on my mission trips to Europe, it was my special interests of singing and traveling along with my favorite stim of dancing and my love of helping people that all combined to make them hugely awesome experiences.
And it's ok that i'm not musical in a musically inclined family. Just because my older brother and sister doesn't mean I have to be. And I don't have to feel bad about it, I can allow myself to finally be ok with it. Finally feeling like I can be a separate person from what I feel like my family has always made me feel like I had to be.
It's okay for me to not do what they do. God isn't using me for music anymore, just like my little brother.
I'm no longer the good little girl in the frame on the wall.
And I didn't even know I felt that way.
So many parts of me i'm learning about and so grateful for these openings of "internal and external emotional sight".
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