on our trip to NY recently for a funeral, my husband had some problems with his anxiety while on the road around a lot of vehicles, mainly semi's. you could tell he was getting irritated and nervous. once he got through it was fine.
and i continued thinking about it for a while. i asked how he was doing about 10 minutes down the road, and he was like "oh, i already forgot about it. i'm fine."
his nervousness was gone quickly, and manifested more like annoyance and frustration and anger.
-----
we were talking about praying out loud, i wanted to have him pray before we left. he was frustrated with me because faith is something he is struggling with right now, and he's not in the right frame of mind to be able to feel ok praying, let alone out loud.
i have a feeling that i pushed him to pray out loud because 1. i feel like it's encouraging him to keep trying. 2. is it because i'm uncomfortable praying out loud? i need to work on that.
he's over it and i'm still apologizing.
10 minutes later- i know he appreciates what i'm doing but i'm going about it the wrong way.
-----
i felt nervous and awkward for hours. after a while he took my hand and held it, and then twined his fingers in mine, and i was able to relax a bit.
when i rested my head on the dash on my pillow, he rubbed my spine. this made me be able to relax a bit more.
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
on the trip- finding me in the middle
i got 3 semi's to honk their horns :)
my husband just laughed.
my childish joy
my smile and giggles
a lot of cow farms and a long line of laundry
i found myself pointing out little details of things, or at least seeing them and realizing that i'm noticing them.
i found joy in the warm of the sink water and the hot air dryer at the rest stop.
i told brian and random fact about a tree outside the OCC store. (chinese maple)
brian took me to see my grandma's house and i took a photo of it from the road, and went down the tiny trail to the waterfall and the river and the rocks. such a wonderful place. i walked on the rocks, i got a panorama photo of the river/waterfall/wall. it looked just like i remembered it. on Waldron Terrace in Sloatsburg.
i wore headphones on the way home to muffle the sounds around me.
i used the neck pillow because i've had a lot of neck pain from all the vertical movement.. walking, driving, eating, etc.
my pen is a good fidget. i like to click it. :)
i just learned that highway exits are numbered by miles.
i either always take the bathroom stall that's second, or the one that needs to be flushed. and if i can, i turn the TP to the right way. (why can't people just push the flush button?)
i waved "hi" to another driver, he looked very sullen and seemed to be slightly lifted after that. my husband was like "why did you do that?" :)
my husband just laughed.
my childish joy
my smile and giggles
a lot of cow farms and a long line of laundry
i found myself pointing out little details of things, or at least seeing them and realizing that i'm noticing them.
i found joy in the warm of the sink water and the hot air dryer at the rest stop.
i told brian and random fact about a tree outside the OCC store. (chinese maple)
brian took me to see my grandma's house and i took a photo of it from the road, and went down the tiny trail to the waterfall and the river and the rocks. such a wonderful place. i walked on the rocks, i got a panorama photo of the river/waterfall/wall. it looked just like i remembered it. on Waldron Terrace in Sloatsburg.
i wore headphones on the way home to muffle the sounds around me.
i used the neck pillow because i've had a lot of neck pain from all the vertical movement.. walking, driving, eating, etc.
my pen is a good fidget. i like to click it. :)
i just learned that highway exits are numbered by miles.
i either always take the bathroom stall that's second, or the one that needs to be flushed. and if i can, i turn the TP to the right way. (why can't people just push the flush button?)
i waved "hi" to another driver, he looked very sullen and seemed to be slightly lifted after that. my husband was like "why did you do that?" :)
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
psychological life
chronic anxiety and depression.. my face doesn't show that. my face won't show that. not unless you see in my safe zone at home.
it's pushing myself to do a chore everyday so i don't feel like a failure.
it's making sure my kids get to appointments and events on time so i feel a sense of accomplishment.
it's getting to bed time (if i can peel myself off the couch)- even if i'm laying in bed perusing my phone because i can't fall asleep even though i'm exhausted from my multiple chronic illnesses.
it's setting goals for myself like getting all the dishes done in a day.
it's asking for help when i just need to be by myself *tag, you're it, parent duty*
it's putting myself in my craft area and giving myself a timer and see what i can get my hands on in that time frame.
it's lighting a candle and getting dressed so i at least feel "ready" to do something with my day.
it's opening the door when the bus comes and breathing the fresh air, and sometimes stepping out there for a minute so i can listen to the sounds of the road, of the train, of the trees and animals waking up, the scents of the season.
it's sitting curled up with a cat and/or a snake and a blanket, because that's my happy place.
it's putting on a bit of makeup because then i feel a bit refreshed and presentable, even just to myself.
it's saying "ok God, you woke me up today. let me see something in it that means you're here".
it's making sure my kids get to appointments and events on time so i feel a sense of accomplishment.
it's getting to bed time (if i can peel myself off the couch)- even if i'm laying in bed perusing my phone because i can't fall asleep even though i'm exhausted from my multiple chronic illnesses.
it's setting goals for myself like getting all the dishes done in a day.
it's asking for help when i just need to be by myself *tag, you're it, parent duty*
it's putting myself in my craft area and giving myself a timer and see what i can get my hands on in that time frame.
it's lighting a candle and getting dressed so i at least feel "ready" to do something with my day.
it's opening the door when the bus comes and breathing the fresh air, and sometimes stepping out there for a minute so i can listen to the sounds of the road, of the train, of the trees and animals waking up, the scents of the season.
it's sitting curled up with a cat and/or a snake and a blanket, because that's my happy place.
it's putting on a bit of makeup because then i feel a bit refreshed and presentable, even just to myself.
it's saying "ok God, you woke me up today. let me see something in it that means you're here".
hard
exhausted
blessed
tired
numbing
mindless
pressing on
- looking forward to seeing my psychologist again this week, even though i dont feel like talking.
exhausted
blessed
tired
numbing
mindless
pressing on
- looking forward to seeing my psychologist again this week, even though i dont feel like talking.
Monday, November 4, 2019
Northridge Church online notes- the series "shoes"
"wing tips"
empathy= your hurt is my hurt (i feel your pain)
sympathy= I feel bad for you. i can't relate, but i'm sorry for your loss.
Luke 19- the story of Zaccheus
Jesus stepped into his shoes and walked to his house and understood him.
"flip flops"
Jesus "the shoes I wear are full of grace and truth"
we can't just speak the truth (no filter)
we can't just speak grace (don't like conflict)
we have to speak truth in grace, and have to use grace in truth.
growth never happens in the comfort zone.
{I love you so much, I love you where you are.
But I love you so much, I can't let you stay there.}
serve one another in love.
we abuse grace and use it to do whatever we want. we abuse relationships, we use people. "oh they'll forgive me", "God knows I sin, it's no big deal"
don't TRY to be interesting
BE interesting
BE active
MAKE change
spiritual change always starts with relational commitment. you have to be committed to that relationship for it to change. (relationship with Jesus, relationship with significant other, relationship with family members, siblings, friends)
you have no idea what’s it’s like
To have to drag yourself out of bed
Drag yourself through your chores
Laying down on the floor and still feeling the need to collapse
 |
| Fibromyalgia, Anxiety, Depression on the job (getting a break in between filming) |
Not allowing yourself to feel because if you do you’re going to fall apart and sob for hours, and there’s no time for that and you sure don’t want people to see the after effects of wiping the drip-page from your nose and red swollen eyes. Part of you begs to cover them with makeup, even though no amount of it will mask the rings and the redness in your eyes. Another part of you wants to scream and cry standing outside with your arms wide open, drenched in rain, allowing everything to be freed from your wretched body. But there is no freedom from this chronic life.
People keep saying you have to roll with it or they wish they could help or that positive thinking will help.
It’s so hard to not want to punch them in the face because their intentions are good.
It's also a kindness and a relief when someone sees your braces and says "you have bad knees?". Thank you for being concerned. :) "I have bad everything, but i'm used to it. I have a genetic condition, so i'm used to living with it." the "oh, i'm sorry" that follows feels genuine. I'm grateful when people ask to learn, instead of asking because they're just nosy or curious. Please don't pity me. Let me do what i'm doing and don't worry about it.
Enjoy your life, and let me do the best to get through mine.
Thank you for being here and taking time to hear me.
You just gave me a piece of your time, and that's priceless.
It's also a kindness and a relief when someone sees your braces and says "you have bad knees?". Thank you for being concerned. :) "I have bad everything, but i'm used to it. I have a genetic condition, so i'm used to living with it." the "oh, i'm sorry" that follows feels genuine. I'm grateful when people ask to learn, instead of asking because they're just nosy or curious. Please don't pity me. Let me do what i'm doing and don't worry about it.
Enjoy your life, and let me do the best to get through mine.
Thank you for being here and taking time to hear me.
You just gave me a piece of your time, and that's priceless.
Friday, November 1, 2019
beauty and why
Why do I wear makeup when I go on a job?
1. it makes me feel more confident
2. it makes me feel more comfortable and put together
3. it makes me feel more put together
4. it moisturizes my skin
5. i feel like *boom* i did good :) i've gotten compliments from the makeup artists when i've mentioned that i did my eyebrows in the car on the way here and they can't even tell that i did them. :D
I like having just the basics in my bag.
I used to try all kinds of different eye colors and liners and lip things. But I pretty much always come back to these and stick with them.
I have adopted the BB cream, love. I always have cover girl pressed powder. And I feel like whenever I get the perfect cover up, the company changes or the store I buy it from changes brands. UGH! There's something about buying it in person and knowing it's exactly right versus buying it online also.
I can't wear eyeliner anymore because my eyes start itching, I guess I have developed an allergy or something. I've always used the same thing, and now I can't wear it. Poo. :( Shout out to Mary Kay soft twist up liner. I wore the purple and the brown for years. (mostly the purple, and I had a green.)
I also have gone back to the basics with my mascara. :) Great Lash is awesome, and I've found that I do still have lovely long lashes, they are just super thinned from aging.
I don't wear blush very often, but the brand that I do use it Lemongrass Spa. It's loose powder. It's very light and fresh.
Light bulb moment recently (duh moment, really)... the better I take care of my skin, the better it looks. I've been breaking out like crazy lately because of stress and lack of good sleep. I'm finally getting back on track with skin care (Lemongrass Spa tea tree bar and a DIY coconut oil moisturizer with tea tree and grapefruit oil), my skin is happier and my breakouts are clearing up.
Cornerstone streaming service 10/27/19
Matthew 17:14-20
Jesus Heals a Demon-Possessed Boy14When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. 15“Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. 16I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.”17 “You unbelieving and perverse generation,”Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.”18Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed at that moment.19Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”20He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”[21]
I'm a mountain mover.
If your faith is strong, you get to speak into the lives of people whose faith is weak.
Corinthians 3- we are God's co-laborers.
"you make a difference"- can you say that to one person?
Every day, we have the opportunity to grow closer with Christ.
Not only did God know you were going to be born, He put something inside of you to do with your life.
Fatalism- no matter what I do, what's going to happen will happen.
John 12:3-8 "I'm speaking to Judas"
3Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.4But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, 5“Why wasn’t this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year’s wages.” 6He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it.7 “Leave her alone,”Jesus replied. “It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial.8You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me.”
You will always have the poor with you
but/vs
we can do something about it.
Deuteronomy 15:7-11
7If anyone is poor among your fellow Israelites in any of the towns of the land the Lordyour God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward them. 8Rather, be openhanded and freely lend them whatever they need. 9Be careful not to harbor this wicked thought: “The seventh year, the year for canceling debts, is near,” so that you do not show ill will toward the needy among your fellow Israelites and give them nothing. They may then appeal to the Lordagainst you, and you will be found guilty of sin. 10Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lordyour God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to. 11There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your fellow Israelites who are poor and needy in your land.
it's ok to disagree.
It's never wrong to Err on the side of generosity.
generous with money, time, brains, heart, share whatever God has put into your life.
(marriage, faith, writing, etc)
are we being tight fisted or are we ok with moving and change?
it's always the right time to be generous.
Isaiah 2:2
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.
Jesus Heals a Demon-Possessed Boy14When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. 15“Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. 16I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.”17 “You unbelieving and perverse generation,”Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.”18Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed at that moment.19Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”20He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”[21]
I'm a mountain mover.
If your faith is strong, you get to speak into the lives of people whose faith is weak.
Corinthians 3- we are God's co-laborers.
"you make a difference"- can you say that to one person?
Every day, we have the opportunity to grow closer with Christ.
Not only did God know you were going to be born, He put something inside of you to do with your life.
Fatalism- no matter what I do, what's going to happen will happen.
John 12:3-8 "I'm speaking to Judas"
3Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.4But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, 5“Why wasn’t this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year’s wages.” 6He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it.7 “Leave her alone,”Jesus replied. “It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial.8You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me.”
You will always have the poor with you
but/vs
we can do something about it.
Deuteronomy 15:7-11
7If anyone is poor among your fellow Israelites in any of the towns of the land the Lordyour God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward them. 8Rather, be openhanded and freely lend them whatever they need. 9Be careful not to harbor this wicked thought: “The seventh year, the year for canceling debts, is near,” so that you do not show ill will toward the needy among your fellow Israelites and give them nothing. They may then appeal to the Lordagainst you, and you will be found guilty of sin. 10Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lordyour God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to. 11There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your fellow Israelites who are poor and needy in your land.
it's ok to disagree.
It's never wrong to Err on the side of generosity.
generous with money, time, brains, heart, share whatever God has put into your life.
(marriage, faith, writing, etc)
are we being tight fisted or are we ok with moving and change?
it's always the right time to be generous.
Isaiah 2:2
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.
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