Conversations with God ... from March 26, 2023

 March 26, 2023

I was having a hard time ambulating. 

But heck if I was going to let the chilly spring day keep me from being in the garden. 

I make things work, if I really want them to. 

And I’ve been chomping at the bit to get at my plants. 

Small unsteady steps. 

Got my SI belt on. Sneakers, not slides. 

A nudge to get my new trimmers.

Making sure I had my gloves on. 

Barely had to move the slate.. was kneeling on it. 

I didn’t have to move any plants.

“please don’t make me move my flowers” I mean I know they’re Yours, but I’m taking care of them. “I won’t mess with your flowers. You’re right, you are taking care of the earth I made.”

“don’t take more rocks.. don’t do it, Cami.. leave it there. Put that one down!” But God, you literally created me this way. To want to see and collect the pretty rocks. And you’re telling me not to? “okay. You make a good point. I know, I did make you that way. Just don’t focus on the rocks.. focus on the task I gave you.” 

God is rational and He listens. He wants to have conversations with His children. And he’s a good Father. 

“I will bless you if you obey my commands.” 

“Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”

 

“For I know the plans I have for you.”

“I will give you strength.” And I haven’t been sore from it. I wasn’t in pain from it. My discomfort actually lessened throughout the evening. 

“I want you to dig through this part of the garden and I want you to keep any pieces of wood that you would normally throw away.”

“You’re going to need a bigger container for the wood you pull out.” me, I doubt it. And then my container is full. I should have listened. “you’ll need that one” specific container. “But there’s a plant in there.” God shrugs “so? Replant it.” 

That’s what I get for doubting.

I found myself apologizing and feeling a bit sheepish a couple times. 

He was right, I did need the bigger planter. (Of course he was right, Cami.) 

I found some really cool fossils in the dirt! AND quite a bit of wood pulled out! 

Conversations with God .. from May 11, 2023

 May 11, 2023

God talking to me in the garden again.

I was putting the mint plants in, and then I got to the rocks and the extended garden area where the Solomons Seal is coming in. Two tiny plants. And I didn’t know what to do with the middle part of it. So I pulled all the old pieces out of decoration and started digging around so I could figure out what to plant there, and I got down to some roots that I pulled out and I heard God say “keep digging”. I was like “oh OK”. 

So I did… I kept digging, kept pulling out old roots and clipping them off. Before I know it, I’m pulling out all these beautiful rocks that have to be from the lakes. Which would make sense considering the other stones that I’ve found here and the previous owners.

I went and got a planter so I can collect the rocks that I pull out… And as I go, God tells me keep going. So I keep going. It got to a point to where the only direction I could dig was under my left foot, so I moved my foot just a scoche and dug around underneath it, hoping that it wouldn’t cave-in. 

I kept pulling out beautiful, smooth rocks that literally could only come from the lakes. God was telling me to take every rock I saw, that I’m gonna need it and I’m gonna want it. :-)

When I finally got down to where the roots were overlapping each other and I couldn’t dig down any further, I said, I don’t think I can go any further… And God said “really? Are you sure?” So I started digging around the sides and, lo and behold, there was more to be found.

When I was finally told that I didn’t have to do anymore to just fill it in and I was done, I heard my subconscious tell God that he could have any of the stones he wanted, that could do anything with them just for him. I literally gave all my findings up to God as an offering.

That shocked me, but I kept going and was thinking.. well it is his. He made the rocks and even they cry out and bless his name. That’s what all creation is do to. To worship God. In all we see and do and act. 

God said near the end I could keep all the rocks I wanted. 😮

But it does seem like some of them are meant to bring great blessing. 

I’ve seen quite a few interesting stones on eBay and Etsy.. I wonder if this “treasure” that God is leading me to is a way to provide, more than just in natural beauty, but also in finances. 

The Bible verse that He reminded me of was “Your God will provide all your needs, according to His riches in glory”. 

He told me a couple times near the end that He gave me all the rocks I needed, that any extra would be what I wanted. 

It did get to a point where He scolded and reminded me that I was taking away from the value of the gift He just gave me by continuing to look for more rocks. That hit. 

When we are given gifts from God, the more we take, it becomes about greed, about our wants, and tarnishes the beauty and the meaning of the gifts. Because we want more. Even though we need nothing else. 

Greed, pride, control, personal security. I overstepped, and it was wrong of me. 

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

Grief Poetry - Sept 2022

 Water

Connection

Chasing the sun set

Not wanting to let go

Green

Stone

Waves

Follow me with answers 

To reassure me as a chase

The missing peace

Of a long loss

Green Stone

Object

It fit perfectly in my head

When it was closed

• grief is not…

Poetry - Sept 2022

Boom.

            A soft landing 

                With an excruciating sound.

            reverberation 

                        the echo 

                        that feels

                        irritating.

            Stop. 

--------------------------------

When one thing starts, another

                        stops.

        The hinderance of newness.

        It's not life or death

        It's chasing one or the other.

                        Power shift.

                        Attention.

        Try to focus.

                        The words become soup. 

        Close your eyes.

                        let them settle.

        Then spell something out.

           Something has to make sense.

Be silent, Be still

Quiet 

Sit

Listen

So you can see

The amazement 

That you miss

When you are loud

Pounding the pavement

Chirp

Kitty Poem - 4am

Random kisses from my finger tips in the the fur and the purr and the slanted eyes of content. 

Get sloshed by the bliss of happiness.

Smiles by the mallow of makeup, what makes your eyes sparkle? 

Softened on the skin by the light of the moon.. whiskers and nuzzles and warmth. 

Is shame always a bad thing?

Toxic shame is bad. 

It's the shame that create our inner voice that tells us we'll never be good enough for anything, we'll never have any worth. 

The pointing fingers.

The constant look down the nose.

The dismissal of your as a relevant part of life.

The putting you on the back burner, and leaving you there.

Healthy shame is good.

The kind of shame that makes you inspired and motivated to change your situation. To grow and to spread into life in a better way. 
The kind that says "you suck right now". Because there's room for growth. The "right now" will change. That moment is gone and you have a chance to make a choice that WON'T suck later. Improvement. Strength. Perseverance comes from this.

"don't label me!" .. but is it a label? when is it okay to "label"? even necessary?

 naming something

versus

labeling something

versus

defining something

why is this a big deal? 

I have found myself knowing myself BETTER by being able to put a name or a reason to something. 

That doesn't make it a "label".

That doesn't make it an "excuse". 

That makes it an ANSWER and a helpful piece of the life I am living. So therefore I can live better. 

CPTSD poetry - Sept 2022

Why does it matter what I do with me? Why do I need the approval of my daughter, my
husband, a friend, another friend… 
is the girl in the mirror a puppet? 
We are each a single petal, in our own direction. 
But yet we grasp onto a shadow, hide under it like a blanket and peek around the corners, trying to see if we’re being watched. Doing something we shouldn’t even though we are all petals from the same flower. 
The seeds are meant to create unique life away from the immortal pod. Where the wind blows because where we land is where we should be. 
We are told turn right or left or turn back around. 
Catastrophe, choreography… C’est la vie

CPTSD poetry - Sept 2022

I have to

Society
I am 40
Pitfalls

Crouching

Strain

Neglect

Not there yet

Follow

You’re bad

They are good

Stopping

Returning

To give up or not to give up

It’s not even a question

The story isn’t mine 

I write 

But I’m not the writer

Invisible

Security

Humanity

Why must existence exist

(just breathing)

Disability (inner talk) - March 2023

Some things, I do have a need for normalcy, even if I have to stretch my energy or my brain capacity. Because if I don’t, then, when I do have the capacity, I feel out of whack because of the lack of normalcy. So even if my body/equilibrium, etc. is telling me, I have to chill, sometimesI have to keep my schedule to still be sane and mentally productive. Mental productivity and normalcy, I’ve noticed, is so much more necessary than physical productivity and normalcy. If I can’t think straight, then I can’t get myself physically to where I need to be because if I can think then I can write down what I need to act on, and then the physicality can follow. 

Everyone has to find their balance, and for me, that means the rhetoric of my cognition and spiritual strength have to be put in a space above what my body can do. On another note, this is why I am considered disabled, because if I can’t think, then I can’t work. If I can’t physically because productive, then I can’t work. Yes, there are different levels to this on different days, but that is also why I can’t work, in accordance with the “normalcy” of society. If there is no stability in the mental capacity and the physical capacity, especially the combination of the two, this is what disability income is for. 

When someone see me crying, I can already tell that they assume I’m sad or something’s wrong or I do something because I feel obligated. I’m assuming this was the social norma because I have a different time. But when I’m crying, generally, it just means I’m processing emotions, I am going through things in my head that recently happened, because I may be overwhelmed. And all I need is tissues, some quiet, time, alone, and possibly my phone or my journal so I can write things out… like I’m doing now. :) don’t be afraid to cry. But also don’t be afraid to leave people alone, and not interfere. 

Yes, you could totally ask if things are alright and if they need help with anything. But if they say they don’t, believe them, and just let them be. If you decide to ask multiple questions, it feels like an interrogation, and just makes it worse. 

Coffee = Dirty Bean Water

 

Tyler Micah Eckel - RIP - Dear Friend

 6-17-22

He’s gone.

He took his own life last night.

_____________

I’m sobbing.

I’ll never get to say anything to him

Or write to him

Again

Or read anything new he writes.

At least this side of my life.

My physical sense will never get to experience his again.

Who is Jesus

Jesus is God in human flesh. The human form of our Creator. He's the one that came to earth and walked and talked and taught and spread truth, and then was punished murdered a vicious death for being a perfect person and a "radical". But he then came back to life and walked out of the grave and showed himself to hundreds of people before visibly, physically ascending into the clouds, and still lives with God the Father in heaven , physically and eternally. 

Our fight is not against flesh and blood.. but Spirit.

I am unsealed in my core.

The war inside shakes me and threatens my inner peace.

Come, heavenly Father, come Holy Spirit.. and bear witness to my strength unfolding and my inner pages opening, blank and flat with anticipation. 

What are you planning to etch and bloom? There is a storm coming. 

The blackened rolling clouds flash in my mind.

Participation in the pouring rain that I feel gathering… I hunker down under an umbrella that I can’t see through. My feet ready, planted, already assuming the steps I know I shall take in the charcoal breeze, eyes closed, braced against the onslaught.

It’s rising.. and, God?

I’m ready.

Prayer for Water Walking

 Dear God,

Lead me where you need me. Help me to take the steps you set before me, fearful or hopeful, I want to step out of the boat. 

The struggle of Closeness

 My problem is the lack of acceptance, the denial and the refusal to believe. The absolute hardest part is when the people who are closest to you and who are supposed to be the ones that accept you and love you and want you to be authentic are the ones that can’t accept it and refuse to allow themselves the truth about who you are. Unfortunately, the cognitive dissonance and the overall suppression of reality that they allow themselves is insanely hurtful and detrimental to the possibility to have intimacy and vulnerability. If you want someone to want to be close to you and be real with you, you have to be OK with accepting things and verbalizing things that you don’t think or want to believe in. It’s OK for us to accept that we can be wrong and things aren’t the way we think they are. But it has to go both ways or our relationship can never be truly united. I find that the people who can’t accept themselves or who struggle who loves themselves are the ones who can’t accept things about other people because their own reality is warped, and the unfortunate side effect is the iceberg that sinks the ship. 

Humanity and it's lack of "fair" and "guts".

 Life as a human is such a farce. We look up to people and agree with people who say things as they are and stop conforming, as we live our comfortable little lives as normal as possible. We agree with the movers and shakers and wish we could be like them, but when things become even the slightest bit uncomfortable, we retreat into our bubbles because we don’t want to draw any attention or be pointed out. The people in our own lives who DO want to have change we admire, but when it comes too close to home, we cut it down because we don’t like different. 

Unfortunately, this causes rifts in relationship and division in realities, and leaves no room for intimacy and vulnerability.. because honesty is hard to swallow. And we have a hard time opening our eyes and changing what we think is right, because we hate to be wrong, no matter how much we protest that we are humble and open to adversity. 

Get real.

Or at least move aside and let those who want reality and a shift in humanity to be free of the shackles of conformity. 

The chains are stifling. 

Let us continue to be open if you want to stay closed; refrain from dampening our passionate fire, still dripping from the flood of despair. 

Oh, blessed Savior. You knew me and you know me and you see me and you hear me. 

Only You.

Everlasting, infallible You.

You see

and hear

and feel my innermost being.

I yearn for the day I can break free of human…

The internal sobbing

And longing for _____ (soul freedom)