Disability (inner talk) - March 2023

Some things, I do have a need for normalcy, even if I have to stretch my energy or my brain capacity. Because if I don’t, then, when I do have the capacity, I feel out of whack because of the lack of normalcy. So even if my body/equilibrium, etc. is telling me, I have to chill, sometimesI have to keep my schedule to still be sane and mentally productive. Mental productivity and normalcy, I’ve noticed, is so much more necessary than physical productivity and normalcy. If I can’t think straight, then I can’t get myself physically to where I need to be because if I can think then I can write down what I need to act on, and then the physicality can follow. 

Everyone has to find their balance, and for me, that means the rhetoric of my cognition and spiritual strength have to be put in a space above what my body can do. On another note, this is why I am considered disabled, because if I can’t think, then I can’t work. If I can’t physically because productive, then I can’t work. Yes, there are different levels to this on different days, but that is also why I can’t work, in accordance with the “normalcy” of society. If there is no stability in the mental capacity and the physical capacity, especially the combination of the two, this is what disability income is for. 

When someone see me crying, I can already tell that they assume I’m sad or something’s wrong or I do something because I feel obligated. I’m assuming this was the social norma because I have a different time. But when I’m crying, generally, it just means I’m processing emotions, I am going through things in my head that recently happened, because I may be overwhelmed. And all I need is tissues, some quiet, time, alone, and possibly my phone or my journal so I can write things out… like I’m doing now. :) don’t be afraid to cry. But also don’t be afraid to leave people alone, and not interfere. 

Yes, you could totally ask if things are alright and if they need help with anything. But if they say they don’t, believe them, and just let them be. If you decide to ask multiple questions, it feels like an interrogation, and just makes it worse.