Pick a photo and write about the time you took it

wow. this photo was from 2003, about a month after our wedding.
it was the first time i'd chopped my hair off.

i had always had it long, and i kept it long for the wedding, and then i did my first hair cut on myself. i was super proud of it and loved it a lot :)

when i had a nice flat belly. i wore these jeans and this shirt a LOT! not necessarily together, but i wore them a lot.
our first apartment together. :) in Tecumseh, MI. my hometown.
i was 21.
and i was a newlywed :)

blog text about autism testing

So I just finished with Alivia‘s autism testing. Apparently because I decided to be tested for autism the psychologist took the information in the website that I gave him herautism.com and he actually went on there and he looked through a bunch of it and he and one of the other people in the office actually took the face blindness test and he says that I should do that with Alivia. He’s finding it very interesting the things that I struggle with and noticing the traits that I have

I showed him the book that I have about living with aspergers and the Facebook group that I am in women on the autism spectrum, he wrote both of those down and he’s going to use all of these resources that I have in his diagnosing tools toolbox for other women on the spectrum :-)

Alivia has high functioning autism just like me but of course because it’s a spectrum she presents differently than I do. I have more of a mental and anxiety struggle and communication with research being a special interest as well as writing. Alivia has more of a sensory with clothing and texture with eating and being overwhelmed with too much information. She has two really good friends and her animal interest is one of her special interests.

And this morning in my appointment with my psychologist Keisha, she said that this time last year when we were meeting I have come along way. I’m starting to adapt tools that help me in daily, I am able to sort out some of my triggers now and be able to handle my anxiety before it blows up, that I’m not having as many meltdowns. Then I’m really learning who I am from the inside and I’m excepting my new place in life and my new journey very well

I am so proud of myself for becoming an advocate for my family.

God has been telling me to use my voice for other people and to be more vocal about life struggles and illnesses and mental health and the hardest part has been to see the struggles within myself and my family my children, and I have taken it upon myself to be brave no matter what anxiety does and make sure that my family is taken care of. Meaning my children have had testing I have had testing and now we are on the right track and I feel so proud of myself and I’m so thankful to God for

So thankful to God for giving me a voice and encouraging me to use it and using different avenues like devotions and people in the groups and Pinterest to help me along the way I did help me know that I am doing the right thing even though I have had pushbacks and setbacks even from people within my family

the psychologist about autism also mentioned that i make many different faces. that i’m animated. lol. 😊 he got me on a roll about my autism book. 😊 yup, i’m either super animated and verbal, or i’m quiet and simple

Psalm 139- according to illness

taking time to read through it and write down how i feel as i read through it.

must write out verses that are personal to me and replace (I and he) with my name. 

supposed to place cards with these around my home to remind me that i'm not alone. 

(let's see how far i get with this project!)

1You have searched me, Lord,

and you know me.

I'm glad HE knows me, because I don't even know myself half the time. It's a learning process for my human brain. I'm glad He has all of me figured out.

2You know when I sit and when I rise; and when i fall

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

He knows my name! He knows my every thought. He sees each tear I cry, and He hears me when I call. (song)

4Before a word is on my tongue

you, Lord, know it completely.

5You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

7Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

You are omnipresent. I never have to fear that You aren't with me. (Your rod and your staff the comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall dwell in Your house forever.)

8If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

No matter where I go in my travels or in my life, You're always going to be there, even when I don't feel certain, You will pick me up.

11If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

12even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

13For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

He knew that I would be the first girl in the family in 32 years, just like my mother. And he knew exactly when my hair would start turning gray.

17How precious to me are your thoughts,139:17 Or How amazing are your thoughts concerning me God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.

19If only you, God, would slay the wicked!

Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20They speak of you with evil intent;

your adversaries misuse your name.

21Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,

and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

22I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.

23Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Lord take away any negative thoughts or judgment I would have towards people who do not know You. It is not my place. Let me love them in the way that you love them. Like a lost sheep, leading them to a shepherd. 

NAKED biblical sex and marriage project

I bet the title caught your attention, huh? 

I will be referencing this web post, just so you know. Crosswalk is an awesome organization, chock full of great information, and hits the nail on the head in so many ways, on so many different topics. I recommend you read the link, it covers much more than I do. But they do a MUCH better job of it, too. :) 
https://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/why-christian-marriages-need-more-sex-than-ever.html

Physical touch in marriage is essential!
We are feeling more and more entitled to our own body's and us, me, mine.. consent is good. But it's being twisted. And more marriages are falling apart.
That's what this blog post is about.
Physical touch, sex, intimacy and marriage.
The way God designed it.

The way I grew up was that sex is bad. Don't do it. So starting out life by telling kids that sex is bad.. is bad. Sex isn't bad. Sex is good. It feels good, it's meant for pleasure and for reproduction. God made it perfect.. when used correctly. That's right I said used. Sex is a pleasurable use of our bodies. It can even be called a tool, at times. A tool to show love, respect, appreciation, passion, partnership, connection.. and more!
But tools can be used the wrong way.
And just like a hand tool, if you do use it properly, it can be broken, and cause disaster.

Let me touch on that teaching kids thing, again. And we SHOULD! We NEED TO! Teaching our kids about physical intimacy is critical because of the schools they grow up in, the other people that are involved in their lives, situations they will find themselves in. They need to know things, they need to learn about how God created intimacy, what it's for, and how to protect themselves against anyone who would defile the perfection of God's plan for them.
note: HANDS! OFF!
Self defense classes, how to use mace or pepper spray. But also how to have healthy relationships, how to be confident in who they are and what they believe in.

In Genesis, God literally sanctified marriage, saying that the man and the woman should leave their parents and cleave to each other and build their own household.
Sex in marriage brings the two people together to become one flesh. That's how it was created.

In a marriage relationship, each person is to give the other all of themselves. It's not a 50/50 commitment, it's a 100/100 commitment. You can't give the other person parts of yourself, and leave the rest out of the relationship. If you are not fully capable of committing 100% to a relationship, you should not be married.
Our bodies are each others, our minds are each others. We are supposed to be open books with each other. Now believe me, I have my fair share of trouble with this. It's very hard for me to be open and honest completely. It's also very hard for me to allow my husband to touch me whenever he wants. There are definitely boundaries, and having respect for each other; at no time should anybody feel like they have to "put up with" something that makes them uncomfortable or afraid. This is why communication is so important.
I have autism so there's a whole different book of learning there. BUT when you're in relationships, these are things we learn about each other! And we do change over time as well! WE ALL DO! Being with each other and learning about each other all life long is an amazing journey, and it's a privilege we get to have as married couples.
Another reason to be 100% ready before you jump in. :) Not trying to change the other person, but loving them wholly as they are. Accepting them, flaws and all, and wanting to grow along with them.

Now, there is also a difference between having sex and making love. Yes, sometimes it can feel like "ugh, fine, i'll have sex with you" because intimacy is not all about us. It's about the other person and what they need and want as well. But there are times where that intimacy can also be mind-blowing and you can spend time alone and have the best connection, and making love is just... unfathomable, in the best way.

Enter also the life of chronic illness. Like I said, along lifes road, there will be things to learn about each other constantly, and love live changes will be part of that. If you have to find new ways of being intimate, that's ok!
Now i'm definitely NOT saying to introduce things like porn, erotica, any other non-biblical stimuli. There is absolutely no place for these in a Christian marriage. They are stumbling blocks, and there is no way at all we are to submit one another to anything that could make us stumble.. physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically or other. But using things like maybe a book of sex positions or toys, or things that can heighten the physical feeling if used by the other partner.. there ARE many ways to enhance a biblical marriage.
Heck.. lay naked beside each other and read Song of Solomon. ;) Or play "STRIP song of songs"!

Physical attraction as well will change over time!
Let's be real.. we will not always think each other is attractive. Our bodies get older and wrinklier and start resembling dried fruit. That's another reason for other levels of the relationship to be deeply connected. Sometimes it's going to be more about what the other person says to us, or maybe the way our hands connect, or just the way we look at each other. Or even just close your eyes and feel their lips on yours.

And we can do this more than once! We can do this over, and over, and over, and.. over.. and.. (you get the point). Have fun with it! When you're married, there are going to be countless times and countless way you can show each other physical intimacy before God decides to take you home. And He BLESSES the way you love each other!

Pretend one of your emotions is a person. What are they like?

one?

fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy (thinking of the movie Inside Out)

i think i would like to describe.. sadness.

it's downtrodden
it's dragging
it's almost unemotional

sadness is a spilled cup of coffee on your robe on a rainy day
sadness is when the sun doesn't sparkle on the snow

but as a person?
sadness as a person
would wear gray clothing
step in puddles
would eat their lunch on a dirty bench and drop their sandwich in the mud

sadness as a person
would have chipped fingernails
would have no umbrella on a rainy day

sadness would come home to a one room apartment to find out your pet ran away
and then find out your favorite leftover food went bad

chronic illness bible study- answers that won't fit in my notebook :)

do you think the condition of your body affects the condition of your mind? explain
I definitely do. like when you're body feels pain, it creates limited brain function. when your blood doesn't pump the way it should, it creates foggy thinking, feeling sick and dizzy. and these are just two things that can affect you. 

have you every told anyone about your struggles? how did they respond?
(think of someone Godly to share your struggles with- my friend Chelsea)
my husband- he's trying to wrap his head around it. he likes to learn, so he'll ask me for simpler versions of it in order for him to be able to absorb it and talk about it to other people. (i'm into the details and medical terminology and stuff, he's not)
my BFF- she feels a lot of the same things i do. she also lives with chronic illness, so she understands. 
my friend Chelsea- another female friend that i can talk to, who is able to share my faith journey as well. 

do you feel alone?
is your loneliness: emotional
(the people around you ignore or reject your suffering)
yes i think so. 
especially being a parent, trying to be consistent with what i tell my kids, what we tolerate as parents, remembering pans and electronic rules and foods, etc. i think it's harder because up until a couple years ago, i was basically an active mom, and then more problem started piling on. we've had to have some talks because my communication and my brain power is being hit pretty heavy. i'm needing to ask for help for things, and i'm expecting the other people in the house to help pick up that slack. i have anxiety and depression adding to my physical and mental and psychological health, so yeah. it can be very emotionally lonely and draining.

for you, what is the hardest part of being alone?
the fact that i can't always talk to people and have them understand. even the people i connect with deeply, i can't always just be myself and talk about any of the things i deal with. i just feel like there's a lot i want to talk about or topics to bring up, and there's a verbal wall. (that's one reason i like having my blog and the ability to do a live video on my FB page)

do you feel you have to pretend you are fine to those around you? why or why not?
sometimes. because i feel like it would sound like whining, even though i just like to speak things out of my knowledge bank, just as information. being autistic, i like information and i like to learn it and speak it. but i can be a bit long winded about it as well. 

have you talked with God about your feelings loneliness? why or why not?
you know, until you said something just now, i don't think i have. i'm not sure why. i've talked to him about lots of things, being there for other people i know, helping them through hard illness days, walking with my husband through his time of searching, walking with my kids as they navigate public school as baby christians.. 

but no. i haven't talked to him much, if at all, about my feelings of loneliness. 
whoops. 

why is this so easy to forget?

long distance relationship attempt

When I was New York this past weekend for my uncles funeral, I saw an old friend of mine and gave him a big hug.

I remember looking forward to seeing him every year when we visited grandma for christmas. We just clicked.

As we got a little older, teenagers, i think we could both tell there was an attraction there. It was awkward but we were still friends.
For the last year or two of high school, we tried to make a long distance relationship work. We wrote back and forth, attempting to be cute and romantic, writing poetry for each other. I'm just hoping that I never broke his heart, because i'm not good at picking up on certain cues or reading things correctly.
The last time I went up there with my immediate family, Brian and I were dating. For some reason, I feel like I knew I would never really see Andrew again.
I feel like that's why I wanted to kiss him. We were all sitting in the car on the way to drop one of us off, and all the other siblings were egging it on, too. We looked at each other kind of cock-eyed like *sigh. why not. We are basically saying goodbye anyways.
So we did. We kissed, leaning across the car seats from each other. It was weird, awkward, wet, totally incorrectly timed, basically cementing the fact that we weren't meant to be.

Even now, though, I do have feelings for him. Kind of like bittersweet, "wish it would have worked out" kind of feelings, but also good knowing that he has a wife and kids and a good life. That's also why I have taken him and another guy friend off my Facebook. Because when you have a relationship with someone, a deep connection, that doesn't ever completely go away.

I think it might be different for me as well, knowing that deep connections don't happen for me like they do with other people.
As an autistic female, deep relationships don't ever break. When we do actually bond with someone on a more intimate level (intimate in different definitions of the term), there's a strand that's never broken.

But it was very good to see him and I made a bee-line to hug him. Not sure if that was appropriate, but whatever.