internalized racism - Rashni "betigrewup"

I recently listened to a podcast by Rashni, her channel is called "Betigrewup" - she is a certified life coach who helps people realize who they are and reach their full potential.
She's on apple podcasts, her channel is "Is it worth it? The self-worth podcast". The title of this one is Loathing to Loving.

Here was my response to her, and I felt very validated in my thinking because I was able to pull it apart and really figure out what it means for me.

"It's interesting hearing the view point of someone who was born in a different country, and not just born in the US with the features of someone from a different country. Like someone who is Indonesian, but born in the US versus somebody actually born in Indonesia living in the US. (honestly this much information is a little overwhelming for my LOL. I can't quite wrap my mind around all of it, I might not even finish the entire podcast just because my brain gets overwhelmed very quickly. But the topic is interesting to me.)"

She encouraged me to listen to it in chunks, to not stop but to come back to it when I can. (thank you!)

"I listened to more of it just now. I will finish it today. Thank you for encouraging me to do that, I mentally have problems with things that take a lot of time, especially when they are information loaded. But I did something interesting that you said, when you know your self that you personally are not against any specific race, but at the same time there's something inside that makes you put up your walls or shrink back and get defensive when there is something unfamiliar about a person because of how they look different to you. I never understood what this was until you said the phrase 'internalized racism'. I am wondering if part of my personal experience with this has to do with the fact that I'm autistic, because I've always kind of felt out of the loop socially anyways. I've always tended to gravitate physically and mentally towards people who were the 'outcast' or 'different', but at the same time because my family is European, and migrated over when my grandparents were kids, I've learned and grown up in American culture, so I see the strain and differences between races, but at the same time also feeling like people looked at me like that because of my complexion as well. This is a very interesting topic."

I'm so grateful that she is encouraging me to continue unpacking and decontructing this for myself and figuring out what it means for me.