the journey through my Autistic life, in photos (take 1)

As I have seen myself in photos lately, knowing what I know now, I totally see things from a new perspective. And I felt the need to share what I've seen and what I've felt throughout my life. As I see new photos pop up that I feel should be shared, I'll create a new post. :) 

I never truly enjoyed being in groups of people.
I especially didn't like being the center of attention.
I still don't.
But I can make it look like i'm okay with it.. it's called masking.

I loved being outdoors, and bonfires always smelled so good.
They also happened during my favorite weather, beautifully chilly. 

I always had quite a bit of fun with different instruments.
Music was a special interest for many many years.
I played the flute for 13 years, piano since I was about
8 years old (I still have a piano, it's my grandma's), sang, tried
the guitar, married a man who played drums, went to different
types of concerts. I also loved wearing vintage blouses
and wool skirts.. very mature for my age.

I always felt at home with Uncle Hank and Aunt Eileen.
They felt like safety to me. They treated me like a daughter.
They were always so open and accepting and loving.
I also loved wearing velvet dresses. They made me feel
special and beautiful. And they were so soft.

This is an outfit I wore a lot. This shirt and colored
corduroys were almost like my trademark.
I loved (and still do) coduroy pants.
Also loved going to my grandma's house in New York, she
always called me her Cami Dawn, or Little T, because I
was so much like my mother. She was a safe haven for me,
as well. She was someone I looked up to.

I never really knew how to smile for pictures.
My siblings always said I had "Barbie Face".
That I always looked like I was modeling, I would
pose and fake it constantly.

Making fun faces was like my thing. I didn't
have a true just happy smile very often. This was
a moment where I felt true joy.
I was being silly poking my head through
the flowers and I loved who I was with.

This was actually the Spring of the year I got married.
My long time friend and I went to the mall in Adrian
to get a photo taken with the Easter Bunny.
20 years old or not, I'm always a child at heart.

My sister (the blonde in the background) invited me to be part of
a youth group dress up theme night, and I gladly obliged.
I love dressing up and being something that's "me" but not me.
And this is right after I got married, so I was 21. And
of course I wanted to fit in and have fun with people I knew.

My sister asked me if I wanted to go bowling with her and
her friend, and I really didn't want to. But I love my sister
and took this opportunity to spend time with her. So I went
to be with her, even though I felt like a third wheel because
I didn't really feel like part of the group. 

I've always enjoyed halloween because I get to pick something
or someone else to be. I get to dress up and really just feel
freedom to be myself and enjoy thinking outside of the box.
Masking as its finest. :) Pun intended.

I've always loved animals. They help me enjoy life. I've had
cats and dogs and fish and hamsters and a guinea pig.
My fuzzy friends really do make a huge difference in my life.

I have tried a perm on my hair 3 times in my life now.
I'm not sure why I keep trying it.
Every time, it turns out not so good.
I think I forget what it was like.

I've always enjoyed letting little kids have fun with my hair.
It gives them joy, and I feed off that.
Since my own feelings are hard to decipher, and I have such
childness inside of myself, it just thrills me so see them
light up with simple things like plastic hair clips.

I've always had a joy of water, and I hate the feeling
of it "dripping" on me. If i'm going to do it,
I'm going to get drenched. Sharing this
with my kids is always a good time.

When there are places that hold sentimental value to me, and
I know they are safe, I like to visit them and create new
memories there. Indoor pools are better for me than lakes and
ponds. I don't like the sand, I don't like now knowing what's
in the water, and I hate the feeling of stuff brushing against
me. I much prefer a pool because I know what's in it, I can
see through it, I know how deep it is, and there's no sand or
nasty stuff, except maybe a bug or leaf on top.

I have a curiosity about things in nature. This
feeds into my children, too. And it's good
because when my girls are interested in things,
I can join them in it. Figuring things out and
understanding more about them brings
me joy and excitement.

I love that I just enjoy silliness as a mother. Doing this with
adults makes me look and feel out of place. I can be more
myself around people like them. Also, though, this can
backfire and become out of hand quickly, and I can get
overwhelmed by the amount of noise and energy it creates.
It's an unfortunate catch 22.

Every time I see a mascot, my insides get happy
and I want to take a picture with them. But I
always think that would be odd, as a grown up,
so I ask if one of my kids

Being on a bicycle has always been fun for me.
When I was younger, it was freedom. I could hop on my
bike and head down the road and not worry about anything
except maybe hitting something.

Whenever there's something going on downtown, and I think
it would be fun, I take the family down there and enjoy
it altogether. Inside, i'm all geeked out because it's fun.
I love ice skating and roller skating and adventuring in town
(because I know it's a safe place and it's organized).

I have had a special interest basically my whole life of sewing.
My mom starting teaching me how to make things with
fabric when I was about 8 years old. When we got tight
for money in 2008, I decided to make cloth diapers and other
reusables for my family. It turned into a business in 2009, and
I continued creating things and selling them until 2017,
when my physical and mental disabilities became too much.
This photo shows me at the NBC 24 studio in Toledo, OH,
because my business was featured on The Green Report.
I still make things and mend things for family members,
and the occasional special made item.

I have been a helper and assistant to my husbands business
ever since he launched it in 2010. Where he lacks confidence
and pinache', that's where I come in. I'm great with
customer service, I'm a social media guru, I'm good with
wording things, figuring out how to say things so nobody
is offended but the words are simple and honest.
I'm also very good with paperwork and online communication.

When I sign up to do things with a group, I always make sure
that I either know someone who's also doing it, or that
I can easily be part of the group without doing too much
socializing. I love doing things that are helpful, and I want
to be part of missions, but it's overwhelming and hard for me
to try to blend in when I don't have any personal connections.

I've always been a hard worker. When I put my mind to a
task, or something needs done that I know I can do,
I'm going to do it and do it well. Sometimes I'll even end
up pushing myself harder than I should, but it's always
because I know it feels good in my soul and it's important.

When I get something that's homemade, I always
have a need to know who made it.
Sometimes that's not possible because of
where it could have been made.
When I went to Romania the first time, I actually
met the lady who made the necklace that was
purchased and gifted to me 2 years before. It's
amazing to me to be able to connect the dots of life.
I think everything is more amazing in hindsight,
even if the moment itself at the time is great.
I love seeing how things come together.

To me, part of any mission trip should include EVERY
aspect of the place you're going.
It should minister to the other workers,
it should minister to the people living there, it should
touch the hearts of the children and the team you're with.
Ministry is not about what you can do for them, it's also
about what they are doing to you, and the ways
it touches you while you are being active, as well.
My childlike joy and naivety works to my advantage
when I work with people. I'm always a clean slate
and I'm almost always open to spreading joy everywhere.
That's who God made me.

This person that God gave me speaks my language.
There is probably nobody else in the world
who I could feel totally myself with.
Even parts of me that I still have to regulate
are mind-blowing to him, but at the same time,
we're both still learning about each other.
And together we create happiness and
strength and unity in our home.

I love to adventure. And my whole life,
for some reason, I've been fascinate with motorcycles.
So when I got, and still get, the chance
to have fun and feel free and just be alone on the road
with my love, I do it. I have opportunities to try new
things, and I love it. The breeze, the openness of the
vehicle, the sun, the closeness with the person
you're riding with.. it's amazing. I hope
i never lose my love for Harleys.

I have some close friends that I even feel uncomfortable with
at times. There are differences that I don't understand,
or I don't know if something is socially acceptable,
so I will be confused in moments what is ok and what's
not. But i'm trying my best to just be my inner real
self, but I still feel like I need to walk on eggshells,
even though they are amazing people and they love me.
This is social anxiety in autism, and it's sometimes manageable,
sometimes not. I hate it. It makes me question
my close relationships.

Do I match them just right?
Am I smiling properly? Do I fit in?
I feel like I'm a bit over the top.
Either i'm holding back or way overdone.