Of course it wasn't always smooth sailing, life is life.
In junior high and high school, I was able to go to retreats with my church.
Not knowing I was autistic, I always felt out of place.
I had my Bible that I had taken from church, I wrote my name on the side of it and put a silver cross sticker on the front. I still have this Bible and use it.
When I went to Bethany Assembly for youth group with my best friends the time, I felt more comfortable because I only knew a couple people and it was a large enough group without being overwhelming.
I ended up going there every week for a while, it felt good. I actually got involved with the drama group a time or two. I also remember recommitting my life to Christ during this time, because I felt like I didn't feel Him enough. When I did feel Him, the Holy Spirit, I wanted more. I loved feeling his peace and inspiration.
I felt led to go on a mission trip to use the talents He had given me at the time.. the love for and ability to dance and sing. So I was able to join a group called the Continental Singers for two tours, fall of 2000 and spring of 2001.
When I met my husband (senior year of high school), and I found out he was a Christian and a drummer, it was a perfect match. Unfortunately, we only dated for a couple months at first. I ended up getting together with another guy that summer who I worked with that said he was a christian, but didn't act like a christian. Sure, he went to church with me, but we barely ever talked, all he wanted to do was make out, so I left that before a month was even up.
When I went off by myself to college, I struggled quite a bit because I didn't have enough structure. I felt very lost. Again, not knowing I was autistic, I put myself in situations where I knew I was going to be taken advantage of, but I wasn't able to stop it. (I didn't know this was an executive function problem.) I kissed someone I shouldn't have, I spent time in a dark room with someone I shouldn't have, I was intimate with a girl friend and didn't stop it because I was curious. I do tend to find myself curious about things that end up being socially inappropriate (maybe because of my trauma with family in high school- I was abused by someone very close for 2 years). Things that are generally not ok to do, I feel like I want to know why, and I have this feeling that I need to figure it out on my own. It's a thirst for knowledge and a curiosity, even if what I want to know really doesn't need to be physically done to know it's bad and/or wrong. I didn't even feel bad about these things, honestly, just disappointed or let down by the experiences. I knew I shouldn't be doing them when I did, but I felt helpless to change my situation. I was skipping classes (which is not like me), and I believe I lost my music scholarship (i'm not positive).
I went to the store and got drinks with friends and drank them and got in trouble (sent home for the weekend), not realizing this wasn't ok.. we were underage, but my family grew up going to vineyards and tasting wine, and I would get the little left over sips in the cups. I didn't know there was an age limit on alcohol.
One thing I specifically remember is when I felt like I was at the “end of my rope” with relationships, the only time in my life I have ever asked God to show me a sign. I specifically asked Him to show me a flower blooming in the winter when I was going to meet the man I would marry. In the spring of that year in college, I happened to glance out one of the windows in the dorm building, and there was a flower blooming in between the piles of snow and slush. And it was my favorite flower, a dandelion. That’s when Briancame to visit his sister and I ran into him.
When I got back together with Brian, I felt like my life starting making more sense again.
We had sex a couple months before we were married (learned that he had had an intimate experience once with one other person before me). Growing up I was told never to have sex before you're married, which yes I agree with. But it didn't feel shameful, actually. Maybe because I have learned that I have alexythemia and am unable at times to know what i'm feeling, or actually have feelings. But the truth for me is I waited until I was with the man that God had called me to, so i'm grateful there is no other sexual past that I have as baggage.
I kissed one of my married female friends on a church couples retreat in front of the whole group. (Again, with my experiences, I didn't know this wasn't ok to do. Like part of my brain was telling me "sure why not, we're both being silly" while a smaller part of my mind said "it doesn't seem right".) This made me feel like the little angel and devil on the shoulder were playing with me at the same time, but I couldn’t control it. I’m constantly grateful for the fact that Jesus took all of these sins to the grave with Him after He died on the cross. If it weren’t for that, no matter how sorry I was or how much I prayed for forgiveness, I would never have heaven in my future.
As an adult, I didn't realize I had never been baptized. So March 6, 2005 I got baptized at the church we were attending at the time (1.5 years after marriage, just before I got pregnant with my oldest).
In the home we had our children in, brian and I both lost our jobs and lost our home and I had to very much lean on God because brian wasn't able to hold me up spiritually during this time. I felt like he was supposed to do this because He was the man of the house. This was the first time in my life I think I realized that my relationship with God wasn’t supposed to rely on the people around me. I had to take control of it and make it my own.
When we moved into the apartment in adrian, brian and I had an altercation and we both decided to seek Christian counseling. I learned that I had mentally and emotionally detached from my husband as a trauma response, and that it would take me time to heal and reconnect with him. He was the one person I run to when bad things happen, but he was the one who had done the bad thing.
When we moved into our home, I felt distant from God and wasn't able to connect with him. I decided to at least say something to him everyday, like "I'm here God. good morning. I know you're there, but I don't feel you." When I decided to TRY to plug into Him everyday, after a few months I finally had a breakthrough.
During these few years as well, I've had opportunities to travel abroad through our church for ministry work in Romania, and was able to take this journey twice. I was able to share this with my husband once as well, and if I could physically and mentally continue to do this, I would be a lifer.
I've noticed that a lot of my story has been me trying or me acting on whatever I felt was ok.. and not really listening to what's going on around me. Unfortunately with my already difficult cognitive functions and communication errors, I think it was harder for me to try to listen to anything outside of myself. I'm grateful that at my core, there has always been a knowledge of who God is and why He cares about me as myself, and why He built me this way.
Now that I'm back on track with God, and I've lost my ability to work outside of the home, I've been seeking him and actively listening to Him to know what my next steps should be, what my new purpose is.
I'm grateful that God has led me to my newest chapter in life, using my social media and internet skills to minister in different ways.
It's always one day, one step, at a time.
He guides me, and I continue to follow to the best of my ability.
We had sex a couple months before we were married (learned that he had had an intimate experience once with one other person before me). Growing up I was told never to have sex before you're married, which yes I agree with. But it didn't feel shameful, actually. Maybe because I have learned that I have alexythemia and am unable at times to know what i'm feeling, or actually have feelings. But the truth for me is I waited until I was with the man that God had called me to, so i'm grateful there is no other sexual past that I have as baggage.
I kissed one of my married female friends on a church couples retreat in front of the whole group. (Again, with my experiences, I didn't know this wasn't ok to do. Like part of my brain was telling me "sure why not, we're both being silly" while a smaller part of my mind said "it doesn't seem right".) This made me feel like the little angel and devil on the shoulder were playing with me at the same time, but I couldn’t control it. I’m constantly grateful for the fact that Jesus took all of these sins to the grave with Him after He died on the cross. If it weren’t for that, no matter how sorry I was or how much I prayed for forgiveness, I would never have heaven in my future.
As an adult, I didn't realize I had never been baptized. So March 6, 2005 I got baptized at the church we were attending at the time (1.5 years after marriage, just before I got pregnant with my oldest).
In the home we had our children in, brian and I both lost our jobs and lost our home and I had to very much lean on God because brian wasn't able to hold me up spiritually during this time. I felt like he was supposed to do this because He was the man of the house. This was the first time in my life I think I realized that my relationship with God wasn’t supposed to rely on the people around me. I had to take control of it and make it my own.
When we moved into the apartment in adrian, brian and I had an altercation and we both decided to seek Christian counseling. I learned that I had mentally and emotionally detached from my husband as a trauma response, and that it would take me time to heal and reconnect with him. He was the one person I run to when bad things happen, but he was the one who had done the bad thing.
When we moved into our home, I felt distant from God and wasn't able to connect with him. I decided to at least say something to him everyday, like "I'm here God. good morning. I know you're there, but I don't feel you." When I decided to TRY to plug into Him everyday, after a few months I finally had a breakthrough.
During these few years as well, I've had opportunities to travel abroad through our church for ministry work in Romania, and was able to take this journey twice. I was able to share this with my husband once as well, and if I could physically and mentally continue to do this, I would be a lifer.
I've noticed that a lot of my story has been me trying or me acting on whatever I felt was ok.. and not really listening to what's going on around me. Unfortunately with my already difficult cognitive functions and communication errors, I think it was harder for me to try to listen to anything outside of myself. I'm grateful that at my core, there has always been a knowledge of who God is and why He cares about me as myself, and why He built me this way.
Now that I'm back on track with God, and I've lost my ability to work outside of the home, I've been seeking him and actively listening to Him to know what my next steps should be, what my new purpose is.
I'm grateful that God has led me to my newest chapter in life, using my social media and internet skills to minister in different ways.
It's always one day, one step, at a time.
He guides me, and I continue to follow to the best of my ability.
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