I'm going to share with you a few excerpts from this book that I just finished, and will totally read over again. I encourage you go get this book for yourself, it's totally worth it.
"I used to think I could learn about Jesus by studying Him,
but now I know Jesus doesn't want stalkers.
What I realized about my faith is that I was doing just that, collecting information and memorizing things about God, purchasing artifacts and bumper stickers about Christianity, and I talked about knowing Jesus like we were best friends, when actually, we really hardly knew each other at all.
It didn't intersect my life; it just bounced up against my life on Wednesdays.
What's up with equating 'Bible Study' with knowing God anyway? Wouldn't it be a horrible thing if we studied the ones we loved instead of bonding in deeper ways by doing things with them?
The truth is, until I've experienced something personally, I usually don't remember it.
We need to make our faith our very own love story."
The thought behind this is amazing. Instead of sitting somewhere for hours on end, pouring over pages and pages of information and memorizing it and not feeling any connection to it.. basically treating it like homework, we need to interact with it to know it. When we study for tests, unless it's something that's interesting to us and we want to know more about it on a personal level, we forget what we just "learned" right after we take the test, and hope we had absorbed enough information from studying to know the right answers to the questions. When something is personal, we learn things without even trying, and we keep the information inside because it's something we care to know.
Monday, July 1, 2019
My Medical Me
Major
*hEDS- faulty collagen, born with it. it's affected me all my life, but after having kids, since about 30 years old, my health has taken a nose dive. having more problems with joints coming in and out, subluxing ribs, hips, fingers, jaw
*HFA- autistic- childish, make the wrong calls, problems with communication, i don't understand neurotypical things, shutdown, overstimulated, confused easily, wall flower, pick my skin, overthinking, always worried i’m doing the right or wrong thing, feeling uncomfortable in most social situations, i need structure and careful planning, i don’t do well with change (even small changes)
*POTS- dizzy, nauseous, cognitive decline, black outs, brain fog, heat and cold intolerance, out of breath easily, confused, not able to think logically, sometimes ask questions that don’t make sense. Right Bundle Branch Block- the right side of my heart doesn’t “fire” correctly, so my EKG looks abnormal, but it’s normal for me.
*chronic constipation, GERD, acid reflux- food sensitivities, diet change (gluten, soy, dairy, acidy foods and drinks, high animal fats like beef, sausage, bacon- i eat a lot of fruits, veggies, rice, potatos, almond and coconut products). these create inflammation, hormonal reactions, being backed up so far it’s an ER trip, terrible gas and bloating
*generalized anxiety disorder
*undiagnosed depression
*chronic migraine and headaches- tiggers: food, dehydration, weather changes, not enough sleep, too hot, food with high nitrates/red wine/sausage, computer screen for too long, neck instability (life)
*restless leg syndrome- soooo uncomfortable, it can get so bad that i'm just crying because there's nothing I can do and I feel like peeling off my skin and crawling out of my body. (think about feeling like this while riding in a car, or driving a car.. yeah.. it’s happened)
*partially reversed cervical spine (neck)- my neck pain and crunching is excruciating sometimes to the point where if i don’t find a massager and quick, i’m going to get a cervicogenic migraine because the muscles in my neck are working so hard to keep my head straight. some days, i have to wear a neck brace around home because the muscles just aren’t strong enough.
Minor
*TMJD- not being able to chew because my jaw muscles are so tense, it causes grinding at night, popping when I open and close my mouth, also causes chronic tinnitus in both ears (oh my gosh, it’s so annoying, and sometimes very loud and weird pitches). I can open my jaw too wide sometimes and pop it slightly out of place, also it can be bad when i go to clean my ears I go in too far and too hard so then my inner ears hurt for a couple days.
*dysphagia- i have a terrible gag reflex and sometimes food, even soup, gets stuck in my chest
*interstitial cystitis (painful bladder syndrome)- had to cut WAY back on acidy foods (tomatoes, strawberries, oranges, grapefruits are a nono, can only drink dark roast coffee, etc)
*allergies (horses and pencillium, outdoor mold, seasonal)
*greater trochanter bursitis
*bicep tendonitis (when I sublux)
*shoulder bursitis
*deviated septum (post nasal drip)
*morton’s neuroma- pinched nerve between toes if i’m not wearing custom orthotics with a metatarsal pad
*permanently dislocated thumbs (Basal CMC joint- custom made hand braces)
*thoracic outlet syndrome- pain and tension and instability in my upper back, neck and shoulders, if left unchecked creates functional scoliosis.. can’t stand or sit for very long without my spine feeling like it’s compression into my hips.
*myopia- near sighted, glasses
*bunions on both feet- the instability and flatness of my feet make my big toes underlap the toe beside it, and push the joint out to the side. the joints then hurt like arthritis (aching, stabbing, pinching). i do have bunion correctors, but i can’t wear them all the time.
*asthma- minor asthma, i carry my inhaler in my purse just in case. sometimes an anxiety attack can flare it up, or if i’m too physically active.
*hormone deficiency- i use a DHEA spray to level out my hormones, this way i don’t have pimples and bumps everywhere, i actually have some libido now whereas before it was basically gone, and i don’t have as much hair growth on my chin/neck anymore.
*muscle spasms- there was a point to where this effected my intimacy so bad, i didn’t want to finish, because it would create massive muscle spasms that would send me crying running to the bathroom. i have muscle spasms at the top of my rectum that were like something was stabbing me (it’s called proctalgia fugax), i was sure there was something wrong inside. muscle twitches and spasms in basically any body part. face, arm, thigh, foot, glute, bicep, neck.. you name it, it’s probably happened. grateful for meds for RLS and muscle relaxers.
*vitamin D deficiency- sucks away my energy. i now take vid D3 5000UI to help me not be sooooo tired, now i’m just exhausted ;) but liveable.
*chondromalacia patella- my knee crunch. the cartilage in between is wearing out. I had to quit running after my sophomore year in high school because they were already getting bad. Now most days either I use a cane or I use knee wraps/braces or I just suck it up because I get sick of using devices and tools.
I like knowing these things because it has helped me really understand and know myself better. I don't use these things as crutches, and I love to be able to inform people when they ask. For me it's been a journey of knowing myself and finding my place and being able to take one step at a time.. a journey of trust and faith. The labels don't make me who I am, they describe parts of me. I, myself, am a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made, with a voice that is now supposed to be heard. I was meant to do the things I have in my life and just the right times, because that is God's plan. It's definitely different than I would ever want or dream, it's been a rollercoaster, so many seasons in life, but i'm finding my strength in it, i've been able to help and lead other people in the last few months just by speaking out and being real and open than i think i have ever. I have had to leave the work place because of all these complications and changes physically and mentally, change so many things about what i'm used to: change my exercise, now it's PT, walking and sometimes swimming (even that has been too much to some degree). I've changed my eating habits drastically and my body is thanking me. The thing is, I wouldn't want someone else to have to deal with that I am. I have people around me that care about me and take care of me and WANT to take care of me. I am a mother to these wonderful girls, and because I am I can understand their pains and other things like nobody else would. Jazmine has the same thing I do (hEDS and POTS, anxiety and depression- she also has ADHD). Not to mention all the amazing people I have met because of all the opportunities I have had.. certain Dr's, physical therapy. The "blessing and a curse" analogy is true. It does suck that I've had to deal with these things, and that I will continue to every single day, and getting worse, for the rest of my life, however long that ends up being. But i'm grateful that I've had all the help that I have, the Dr's I've been led to, the support groups i'm part of, the people I've MET in those support groups.. and this awesome backyard i'm sitting in right now. I have a goal to get my flower garden all flattened out and transplanted and ready so next year I get to watch things grow and come to life and have a bench in the middle to just sit and "smell the roses" per se. (I'm not much for roses.. shrugs) Each day is a new day. I will live it to my best.
swim suit shopping.. oh boy
Ok so.. my oldest daughter, she's 13.
She's growing, as she should be. So her swimsuits from being on swim team last year are too small.. as they should be!
So.. we go out shopping for a new swimsuit. She's not on swim team anymore, so we can play around with stuff.
Oh. My. Gosh.
Ok.. so here's the deal.
She's not a child.. so we can't shop in the kid section.. she's 13 and she's getting into ladies sizes.
But she's not quite there.
We eventually find a set that's a women's small bottom and top.. we had to DIG for it!
But seriously. It's hard to find something in the women's section that cute enough for a teenage girl!
Let alone the fact that (i've noticed this more recently, having girls growing up in my own house) little girls swimsuits are usually cute little one pieces or sporty two pieces, then they get up into teenage sizes and they barely cover any skin, and then once they are past the young adult sizes, they become one piece mumu's! And i'm not saying that to bash on anyone to is a larger size or anything.. not at all. But come on.
Sure, we want our girls to learn to be comfortable in their own skin and be themselves and be confident.. but I really don't think we should be showing them that baring their whole body in public is ok. I'm all for a cute bikini, but my goodness.. at least half the ones we saw at Walmart barely covered the same amount as a bra and panties would!
Save our girls, people.
Don't let them parade around, barely covered.
Teach them about being attractive and owning who they are, but doing it modestly and respect themselves.
I don't expect them to cover up from head to toe.. not by any means.
But please, have a sense of dignity..
And remember.. if you buy it, they will make more. Stop purchasing these kinds of clothing from the store. You may have to spend some time to find something that's worth your money, but it is.. it's worth it.
Those 2.5 hours I spent with her today hopping between 4-5 different stores was worth my time, because she knows that she should respect herself, and that she shouldn't be forced to wear something she doesn't feel good in. And she knows, that she should be able to wear ANYthing anytime she wants, and if guys don't like it.. too bad. Her life is not about them.. her life is about being the best HER. And she's amazing.
parts of the family
I've been ruminating lately about the different parts of my family.. interested in the different places we are all at, different "careers" and "jobs", different family sizes and ages.. it's intriguing. :)
My parents.. My dad will be 70 in August.. wow!
He has embraced his white hair.. i love it. He is getting close to retirement from his computer job at the hospital. He's always been a worker bee.
My mom just turned 29 again (for the 40th time.. ahem). :) She has been staying at home now as a wife, housekeeper, landlord and grandma for about 5 years (i think.. could be longer). She likes that she can work on things at her own pace now, and she gets to enjoy watching her kids and their kids grow and change.
My older brother.. He's 39 this year. He is now a minister of music at a local church, he is finished up more online schooling this week. His wife is an oncology nurse at our local hospital. They have been blessed with 6 kids, the first 5 of which are girls.. the oldest is 19 this year, and in college, the youngest of which is a little man who is turning 5 in a couple weeks! They have lived in 4 different states now, and they are back to Michigan (I believe) for good.
Myself and my husband... He is a cinematographer. He has owned his own business for 11 years now, officially for 9, and is also in a business partnership that kicked off in (I think) 2016. I have had many jobs, but I am now blessed with the opportunity to be a homemaker, wife, mom, and an advocate for invisible illnesses, mental health and my faith. It's been quite an awesome opportunity (in more than 1 sense of the word) to be able to do this.
My younger brother.. lives one state away, and he is a pathology assistant at a hospital. His wife is a graphic designer, and they have 2 beautiful kiddos. He turned 32 this year.
Hey, we are all in our 30s!
My younger sister.. is an RN at our local hospital, JUST turned 30, and is married to a gentleman who works at a steel factory (he just turned 29. He can join the 30 club next year). They together have 5 awesome kiddos, 2 boys and 3 girls.
------
Looking at this amazing combination of abilities and faces and walks of life.. I am blessed to be part of it.
So thankful for these gifts.
My parents.. My dad will be 70 in August.. wow!
He has embraced his white hair.. i love it. He is getting close to retirement from his computer job at the hospital. He's always been a worker bee.
My mom just turned 29 again (for the 40th time.. ahem). :) She has been staying at home now as a wife, housekeeper, landlord and grandma for about 5 years (i think.. could be longer). She likes that she can work on things at her own pace now, and she gets to enjoy watching her kids and their kids grow and change.
My older brother.. He's 39 this year. He is now a minister of music at a local church, he is finished up more online schooling this week. His wife is an oncology nurse at our local hospital. They have been blessed with 6 kids, the first 5 of which are girls.. the oldest is 19 this year, and in college, the youngest of which is a little man who is turning 5 in a couple weeks! They have lived in 4 different states now, and they are back to Michigan (I believe) for good.
Myself and my husband... He is a cinematographer. He has owned his own business for 11 years now, officially for 9, and is also in a business partnership that kicked off in (I think) 2016. I have had many jobs, but I am now blessed with the opportunity to be a homemaker, wife, mom, and an advocate for invisible illnesses, mental health and my faith. It's been quite an awesome opportunity (in more than 1 sense of the word) to be able to do this.
My younger brother.. lives one state away, and he is a pathology assistant at a hospital. His wife is a graphic designer, and they have 2 beautiful kiddos. He turned 32 this year.
Hey, we are all in our 30s!
My younger sister.. is an RN at our local hospital, JUST turned 30, and is married to a gentleman who works at a steel factory (he just turned 29. He can join the 30 club next year). They together have 5 awesome kiddos, 2 boys and 3 girls.
------
Looking at this amazing combination of abilities and faces and walks of life.. I am blessed to be part of it.
So thankful for these gifts.
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
what will your tomorrow bring?
this has been on my mind.
i've seen things floating around Pinterest,
I've felt certain things about what i see on Facebook,
i've heard things just daily in my errands and my daily doings..
do we not realize that today is all we have?
sure, that doesn't mean don't make plans for tomorrow,
but really..
tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
you could die tonight in your sleep.
your neighbor could be killed in an accident.
your coworker could take too many pills.. on purpose.
your pastor could be shot.
anybody in this world could die at any minute, and there doesn't have to be a reason.
do we know the people around us?
do we take the day during our days to understand other people?
or do we even know who we are?
what our impact is?
if something we say is going to be our last word?
what kind of impact do you want to make?
is your last breathe going to be drinking coffee talking to.. a friend on your phone? or checking facebook? or posting a selfie on Instagram?
not that i'm saying any of these things are bad, worthless, or useless. i do them to.
but i decided i'm going to use all of these outlets as ways to communicate real life.
if i died tonight...
what would people see?
what would my life reflect?
i pray that it would reflect honesty
and real beauty
and the love of God
Sunday, June 16, 2019
church at home today
last night, my husband and I filmed a wedding an hour away from our home, and we got back after midnight. we had a snack and went to bed, not setting an alarm because we needed the rest.
we ended up getting up just before the kids came home, and we decided to stream church at home. we pulled up Cornerstone Church streaming from Toledo, and then Northridge Friends Church streaming from Texas.
There were a lot of good things that were said, and I would like to share with you some of my notes.
About the social narrative
1. there's a "right handed privilege"
kind of like white privilege, most things are made around being "right handed". not really something we think about, it just is.
it's like having an "in group- bias". we need to open our minds and try to not be exclusive, but be inclusive.
2. renaming people, instead of saying "they" and "them", say "sister" and "brother".
a- Love God with all your heart, mind and soul.
b- love your neighbor as yourself.
(you have to love yourself to love others in a positive, healthy way. if you have a dysfunctional self-love, you have to fix yourself, get help for yourself, before you can help other people love themselves.)
As a Christ follower, going to church is an act of obedience.
We are committed to helping ourselves obey God, we should be committed to helping others obey God.
Who is your neighbor? EVERYONE.
Girls- when you want to have a relationship with someone, just because they say they're a Christian, that doesn't mean anything. You have to test it. Ask them to pray and see what happens.
3. Give "in-group" love to your out-group. People you wouldn't normally surround yourself with and encourage and uplift.. show that love to them.
4. Acknowledge other people's color.
your eyes are the only visible part of your brain- 90% of your brain activity comes from your eyes.
Fred G. Sanford- "colored white"
we are all colored. and as "white" people, we turn even more colors. we tan in the summer, we turn green when we're sick, and we turn red when we're angry or embarrassed.
5. view every conversation as a race consultation.
when we meet someone, our brain automatically assumes things about the individual based on race, voice, demeanor, etc. unfortunately, we find ourselves accepting these initial assumptions as fact. then we have already set a viewpoint of this person based on what our inner selves tell us.
what we should do if you meet someone who is not like you is to consciously hold off and learn from them, try to understand them. be mindful of ourselves.
6. give your hearts to those who are "not like you".
(Pastor Miles McPhearson- Cornerstone)
Passover- is the protection of God.
doing something because of evil (the devil) will never end well.
unfortunately, because we are human (sin nature) we don't tend to change until it hurts.
Exodus 11:4-16
Passover- the lamb's blood, takes away sins.
The parting of the water- Provision of God.
We have to "move on" when God tells us to move on, no matter if we see a way or not.
We have to do things His way.
He will provide a way to move on, but we have to follow it and we have to trust.
We have to move on beyond the fear of our future.
We can plan all we want, but God has a lot more planned for us than we do.
He will provide the steps, you have to follow.
(Stoneridge Christian Church)
we ended up getting up just before the kids came home, and we decided to stream church at home. we pulled up Cornerstone Church streaming from Toledo, and then Northridge Friends Church streaming from Texas.
There were a lot of good things that were said, and I would like to share with you some of my notes.
About the social narrative
1. there's a "right handed privilege"
kind of like white privilege, most things are made around being "right handed". not really something we think about, it just is.
it's like having an "in group- bias". we need to open our minds and try to not be exclusive, but be inclusive.
2. renaming people, instead of saying "they" and "them", say "sister" and "brother".
a- Love God with all your heart, mind and soul.
b- love your neighbor as yourself.
(you have to love yourself to love others in a positive, healthy way. if you have a dysfunctional self-love, you have to fix yourself, get help for yourself, before you can help other people love themselves.)
As a Christ follower, going to church is an act of obedience.
We are committed to helping ourselves obey God, we should be committed to helping others obey God.
Who is your neighbor? EVERYONE.
Girls- when you want to have a relationship with someone, just because they say they're a Christian, that doesn't mean anything. You have to test it. Ask them to pray and see what happens.
3. Give "in-group" love to your out-group. People you wouldn't normally surround yourself with and encourage and uplift.. show that love to them.
4. Acknowledge other people's color.
your eyes are the only visible part of your brain- 90% of your brain activity comes from your eyes.
Fred G. Sanford- "colored white"
we are all colored. and as "white" people, we turn even more colors. we tan in the summer, we turn green when we're sick, and we turn red when we're angry or embarrassed.
5. view every conversation as a race consultation.
when we meet someone, our brain automatically assumes things about the individual based on race, voice, demeanor, etc. unfortunately, we find ourselves accepting these initial assumptions as fact. then we have already set a viewpoint of this person based on what our inner selves tell us.
what we should do if you meet someone who is not like you is to consciously hold off and learn from them, try to understand them. be mindful of ourselves.
6. give your hearts to those who are "not like you".
(Pastor Miles McPhearson- Cornerstone)
Passover- is the protection of God.
doing something because of evil (the devil) will never end well.
unfortunately, because we are human (sin nature) we don't tend to change until it hurts.
Exodus 11:4-16
Passover- the lamb's blood, takes away sins.
The parting of the water- Provision of God.
We have to "move on" when God tells us to move on, no matter if we see a way or not.
We have to do things His way.
He will provide a way to move on, but we have to follow it and we have to trust.
We have to move on beyond the fear of our future.
We can plan all we want, but God has a lot more planned for us than we do.
He will provide the steps, you have to follow.
(Stoneridge Christian Church)
Tuesday, June 4, 2019
what i've been feeling.. nailed it
It started out just feeling like I wanted to write.
Just a little bit ago.
I'm trying to put a name on the feeling..
I just busted my butt cleaning the shower stall in my home (we have a single shower stall that can fit two people, no tub). I've wanted to do that for a couple weeks. Unfortunately I have to wait until I have time, motivated, and low pain. Yeah.. that never all coincides. :)
Today.. I'm definitely still exhausted.. but it's bathroom cleaning day. And I felt up to it.
DID IT!
And I feel proud of myself. :)
I have to do it in stages because it wears me out.
Today I cleaned the white part because it was showing rust and film again. And I did it. :)
Helps to have the right cleaner, too. *shrugs
I'm also in the middle of switching anxiety meds.. from Zoloft to Cymbalta, on my rheumatologists request.
But I've noticed in the last couple weeks, I've felt more.. reassured? More.. like I can test the waters or something.
I've been in a better mood lately, in general. Sure I've DEFINITELY had days where my anxiety reared it's ugly head, or my depression was dragging me down. But I've noticed that i'm getting a better handle on it.
Like with my anxiety, I'm allowing myself to physically show that i'm uncomfortable, like i'll put my hands over my ears, close my eyes and intentionally breath. Or if it's bad enough, put my headphones on and busy myself away from my family. And i'm starting to gravitate to things I know i'm good at, or just that I see need done. Like i'll go in the kitchen and get out some food stuff to cook or prep, or i'll do dishes.. or i might even grab my walking sticks and take a walk in the back yard.
There was actually an instance where I grabbed my journal and started writing everything that had happened, and eventually shared it with a friend. She thought it was eye opening. I'm going to add it to the Autism portion of the book i'm writing.
(BTW i'm writing a book about my life) :)
And yes, this has something to do with it.
I noticed this bit of change in myself after my Autism was finally named. I feel like my world has become almost complete. Like all the past years of trying to find doctors to help me and figures out what's wrong with my body, all the appointments, etc, have really come to a head at this point; I'm finally entering a phase where I know what's going on with each body part and system, and i'm finally able to put all my information into my everyday life.
It's becoming more...
OMGOSH that's the word. I'm becoming more empowered.
That's what i'm feeling. :)
I feel like i'm allowing myself to really be who I am. And in my last couple psychology appointments I've learned about giving myself permission.
I'm allowing myself to feel things and then do something that feeling, whether I keep it and use it or I push it aside. (in no way is this perfected, lol, i've only just begun. but that's it.. I'VE BEGUN)
YAY!!
My confidence in myself is growing. :) Praise God for answers!
What a journey these last few years have been.
So grateful for the steps He's laid out before me, and so grateful that I've been given the wisdom to choose and I've chosen to follow (begrudgingly sometimes or sliding back for a day or so, but hey. I'm human.).
Omgosh the days where I REALLY don't feel like being my best, or doing my best, and just realizing that that's ok and I can give myself permission to wallow for a day. And then get back up and try again.
If at first you don't succeed, try try again. :)
Just a little bit ago.
I'm trying to put a name on the feeling..
I just busted my butt cleaning the shower stall in my home (we have a single shower stall that can fit two people, no tub). I've wanted to do that for a couple weeks. Unfortunately I have to wait until I have time, motivated, and low pain. Yeah.. that never all coincides. :)
Today.. I'm definitely still exhausted.. but it's bathroom cleaning day. And I felt up to it.
DID IT!
And I feel proud of myself. :)
I have to do it in stages because it wears me out.
Today I cleaned the white part because it was showing rust and film again. And I did it. :)
Helps to have the right cleaner, too. *shrugs
I'm also in the middle of switching anxiety meds.. from Zoloft to Cymbalta, on my rheumatologists request.
But I've noticed in the last couple weeks, I've felt more.. reassured? More.. like I can test the waters or something.
I've been in a better mood lately, in general. Sure I've DEFINITELY had days where my anxiety reared it's ugly head, or my depression was dragging me down. But I've noticed that i'm getting a better handle on it.
Like with my anxiety, I'm allowing myself to physically show that i'm uncomfortable, like i'll put my hands over my ears, close my eyes and intentionally breath. Or if it's bad enough, put my headphones on and busy myself away from my family. And i'm starting to gravitate to things I know i'm good at, or just that I see need done. Like i'll go in the kitchen and get out some food stuff to cook or prep, or i'll do dishes.. or i might even grab my walking sticks and take a walk in the back yard.
There was actually an instance where I grabbed my journal and started writing everything that had happened, and eventually shared it with a friend. She thought it was eye opening. I'm going to add it to the Autism portion of the book i'm writing.
(BTW i'm writing a book about my life) :)
And yes, this has something to do with it.
I noticed this bit of change in myself after my Autism was finally named. I feel like my world has become almost complete. Like all the past years of trying to find doctors to help me and figures out what's wrong with my body, all the appointments, etc, have really come to a head at this point; I'm finally entering a phase where I know what's going on with each body part and system, and i'm finally able to put all my information into my everyday life.
It's becoming more...
OMGOSH that's the word. I'm becoming more empowered.
That's what i'm feeling. :)
I feel like i'm allowing myself to really be who I am. And in my last couple psychology appointments I've learned about giving myself permission.
I'm allowing myself to feel things and then do something that feeling, whether I keep it and use it or I push it aside. (in no way is this perfected, lol, i've only just begun. but that's it.. I'VE BEGUN)
YAY!!
My confidence in myself is growing. :) Praise God for answers!
What a journey these last few years have been.
So grateful for the steps He's laid out before me, and so grateful that I've been given the wisdom to choose and I've chosen to follow (begrudgingly sometimes or sliding back for a day or so, but hey. I'm human.).
Omgosh the days where I REALLY don't feel like being my best, or doing my best, and just realizing that that's ok and I can give myself permission to wallow for a day. And then get back up and try again.
If at first you don't succeed, try try again. :)
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