Words 1

The sound of the crackling radio, the air as it splits on the window thats rolled halfway down. The rumble of the tires let me know that I am moving, that I am pushing the pedal, that I am nearer to my destination as I was a second ago and further away from the silence and the cool of a minute ago. Torn between the two worlds… The busyness of my family home and the rustling openness of the weeds in the breeze where humans are not.

The different worlds constantly clashing in my mind, letting me know that I am part of them both, it’s a pull back-and-forth like red rover as a child. Or maybe it’s more like tug-of-war where I want to be both places but I can’t be split down the middle. Not unless I’m a paper doll. 

I take a deep breath and blow back out, feeling like it was forced exasperation, but at the same time also trying to force myself to be calm, help me with the tightness from anxiety I feel in my chest. I am almost there.

I’m halfway home. Train tracks that beckon me to take a turn and drive a more rocky road.

I want to stay out until dark, and then when I go home to where I lay my head, I would like to take a drink of the wine in the box that is waiting for me for the right time. But I would like to do that in the silence of an empty house. That will not happen… For I have a family. Family that I love… Really I do. They are a blessing, not a mistake, but at times there’s just too much.

The church steps to my left mock me with the fact that nobody is running up and down them, they are silent and still. The street light that tells me to turn right, for that is the right way to go. Right, right?

It’s so hard to know that true peace can only be found in the silence with my hour in the morning when I am the only one awake… True peace can only be found when I sit by the heater with my Bible open and know that my soul can be at rest because I can connect with the most amazing force of being.

Mom mom mom mom Cami ding buzz ding I need you. I need you mom. I need me too… Sigh. Time to get out of the car.