Cat puke and an Ahha! Moment

 So.. we see things, we hear things.. we think "hey, it can't be that bad, let's try it". It's pretty, it's crunchy, it's pleasing to the eye and the senses. 

The next thing you know, there's something in you that doesn't belong, and your body is making you get rid of it. 

Unfortunately we can't puke up the world. We can't puke up what has infiltrated our minds and our souls. We have to go through a lot to get rid of the bad things we put in us.. and that's just the things we KNOW about that are making us feel icky. There's so much more that we don't know has soaked into us. 

Don't poke the pretty things, don't be part of what "looks good" if there's something telling you STOP.

The Lord's Prayer

 People say they read the Bible

but they don't know how to pray. 

1. How are you reading the Bible? 

2. Were you ever taught about how to read the Bible? 

3. Did you/do you know that the Bible is a library of different genre's of books.. so you have to read them in the context and format they are written in order to get the message of it correctly? 

Jesus said how to pray... and He's not the only one. 

Not all flesh is created equal.

1 Corinthians 15:39

Not all flesh is the same: People have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another. 

The biblical text literally says we are separate from other created things. Therefore animal and human lives do not have the same value, because humans were created in the image of God, and we were told to rule over, subdue and care for the earth (meaning all of other created things). 

Parenting.. Faith.. Public.. GAH!

Public school

Going to Church

going to friends or families houses for the weekend.. 

it's a hard balance! 

do the friends or family members have beliefs? 

what happens if and when they miss church? 

is church helpful for them? 

do I talk too much about my beliefs and my faith? 

one of them rolls their eyes when I reference things to scripture (you know I don't believe in that, mom). okay? that doesn't mean I'm not going to talk about it. 

one of them listens because she believes God is real. 

the other one isn't sure, so she's just trying to keep an open mind, listen and think of what is real. 

I get that! I get all of that!

But it makes me anxious, being a mom, and not knowing what the future holds sometimes. 

I just don't want to see them decide to walk about from it because of something they don't understand, and not be open to conversations. 

There's way too much that looks "good" these days... and it makes me feel sick. 

Procrastination, laziness.. or executive dysfunction problems?

Using my notebook everyday to get things done. This helps me remember what needs to be done, what is planned that I have to do, even things like taking a shower because it's something that takes me a lot of energy and mental planning.

Projects that are big, overwhelming - break them into smaller pieces so they are more doable and less challenging.

Sitting there doing nothing because I can't think of what to do, I don't think of what is supposed to be done, I don't remember if something has a deadline, I just have no thought process. I need to have a jumpstart. That usually starts out as me getting my pills taken and getting dressed. I can wander around for hours doing random things here and there, feeling like I'm just walking around in air... until something or someone gives me direction and motivation.

Not starting something that you know needs to be done because it feels scary. Maybe it's something I haven't done before, or will take a lot of focus and I'm not sure I'll be able to put in the time or if I'll get interrupted. Also, any other host of things that could go wrong that I've already rehearsed in my head. Even though it may be something small, it can loom ahead like you're a tiny mouse.

 

sense of pride and accomplishment

I thought we weren't supposed to feel pride?

I get the "I'm better than you, I look better, I have more" thing...

But, so, when I actually have a feeling of "wow, I accomplished something I worked hard at. I'm proud of myself", that's okay? 

"Always be humble"

No wonder people like me are confused. 

It's hard to figure out what's okay and what's not, what feelings are and how they are felt, and what's allowed to come out my mouth, what I shouldn't talk about in public, allllllll of this. 

Autistic people, unite.

Neurodiversity is hard!!

Trauma and invalidation

Needing someone to care

No matter the caring is about

But feeling pushed away

forever

When the hug feels like they have to do it

not like they want to

crying because you need it

but knowing they don't really want to be there.

Missing people who have touched your heart and soul

because there's was too harsh to keep.

Hurting in your body every day, and never

figuring out how to keep it at bay.. because it will just come back, always.

Crying behind a door because all they see is weakness, 

throwing away the tissues before anybody can see them so they don't ask what's wrong

because there's no way to explain the empty stabbing that only breeds foul air.

Just

Keep

Going

Don't speak reality.

People only believe what's behind their noses, because everything else isn't happening to them.

And patience.. virtuous or not.. is lost in the branches of a forest fire.

Does anybody hear me?

Really?

And would they be okay with sitting in silence

and patting the sobbing lump

that is me under a blanket?

Just to have me reach my withered hand toward theirs, hoping for the touch of another heart.