today

i have no motivation
i have no direction

i had to scrape thick ice off my van this morning 40 minutes before my dentist appointment just so i could drive 5 minutes down the road..
so blustery and snowy, my ears are burning from the cold (gotta get my muffs)
it was so exerting for me.. huff and puff.. short of breath.
stop for a minute.. my equilibrium was unhappy.
palpitations
start to feel light headed.. just scraping off the car.
go inside and sit down, check my heart rate and EKG.. i'm ok.
stand back up and feel a syncope episode coming on.. sit back down.
give it a few minutes, slow my breathing
drink my fiber water.

my shoulders and upper back are fatigued from scraping so hard.
trying to sweep off the top of the van, a few loose pieces, most of it is stuck
(tomorrow i get PT, tomorrow i get PT..)

...
i'm back from the dentist.

i noticed when i was watching the tv show that my eyes weren't adjusting and focusing.. it's been more and more obvious when i look at things that i need another eye check. sigh
(just called and made an eye appointment.. in May)

didn't want to wear my knee braces there, but thought it would be best. when people are like "aww, you're wearing your braces today". please don't pity me. it's hard for me to show my struggles. I know people don't mean it to be belittling, but it doesn't feel good to be the recipient of that. it feels like "you poor thing".

it's not easy for me to have to wear them.
not my accessory of choice.

some days i'm strong enough to "own it" and say "who cares".
some days i wish i didn't have to "own it"..
it's a hard road to accept myself with my new struggles.. it will only get harder.
...

pushing myself through doing dishes, vacuuming.. have the dishes soaking while i vacuum the main level.
I may nap before I have lunch and finish them.
my head is hurting from the brightness of the snow.
my ears are ringing..

after lunch i have speech therapy..
oh yeah, i'm supposed to write down things that triggered my cognitive malfunctions over the last few days.. guess i know what i'll be doing during lunch.
...

tonight, i believe Jazmine is going to her friends house so she has a ride to Awahna.
I have to get Zoe to the high school for her dress rehearsal tonight.. she's been looking forward to being in the school talent show for a couple years now. She's doing a solo dance.. i'm so proud of her. <3

Alivia gets to have daddy to herself tonight for a bit :)

...
feeling nauseous.. for the second time today.. maybe i should take my nausea meds and lay down.
after i pay our health insurance bill online

will make more coffee later