i have been thinking a lot lately, kind of keeping mental tabs on how i'm feeling and what i'm going through. just realizing what it's taking me to, how much energy it's taking me, how much mental and physical capacity it's taking me, to just keep up with normal life. having even just a part time job, having the kids, having them grow up, knowing what they need, what they want to be involved in, being able to fund things to schedule for them, different schedules in general.. Brian's schedule changing, Brian's income changing, my health changing drastically, and i'm noticing that i really need to be serious about cutting out stresses from my life because at this point, i need to consider quality of life, not just for myself, but for my family, for other people around me. but yes definitely for myself, because i'm just feeling worse and worse. and it's not healthy and it's not ok for me to feel like this.. *quietly sobbing.
ok. breathe. i gotta calm down and look like normal. ok so i have been kicking around the idea of just being able to function the way that i should, the way that i used to, and it's just becoming more real to me and more, i don't know what the word is right now, but more of a fact that i know i need to start backing away from some things or i'm just going to get worse and worse. and my family and myself, we can't function that way, because if the parents aren't taking care of themselves then the whole family unit is not going to thrive and flourish the way it should, it's not going to work the way it should. we're not going to be respectful of each other the way we should. we're not going to take care of each other, take care of the things around the house, take care of relationships. we're not going to work as well as a family unit and we could if we are not mentally and physically as healthy as we can be.
so i am, have been, starting to entertain the thought of leaving my job. and that's become more apparent over the last year, because with my performance reviews at work. i've actually been spoked to, twice, by my boss now because he's noticed that i'm not picking up things that i should be and it's not improving, even with speech therapy. i thought it was getting better and i'm not, because i'm seeing the daily audit papers come through and their catching things on there end that i should have already done at my job, and it's not working. so i am very close to being at the point to where i want to tell my boss that he should start looking for someone to cover my position, because i need to step down.
some days I'm ok with the decision, some days i'm definitely not, but i.. this is going to be a necessity for me very soon. and i've noticed in support groups that i've been in, that i am in, for other people with the syndrome that i was born with, that they're born with, that this happens quite often. that the people who, depending on the type of syndrome, that they start getting into their 20's, 30's, 40's, that they can't work anymore because their mental, physical and emotional health is just not there anymore. so.. i am praying about it. i am reading a couple different books right now, i'm reading a devotion book about being brave, i'm reading a book called the wounded woman because it's a book about women who have been through a lot of things that are making them hurt. and i'm also reading/journaling in a self discovery journal to find out kind of who i am now, and i'm definitely.. i guess the main part of this whole conversation with myself is the realization that i am going to be talking to my boss about stepping down from my position and having him find someone to fill my spot, because i know the interview process where i work is going to take a while. so i guess i'm just putting that out there, getting it out of my brain, now that I'm hearing myself talk, is actually making me feel better, knowing that i can reduce that stressful part of my life. gratefully, my income won't necessarily be missed that much, and i will be able to focus better on how to take care of myself, i'll be able to focus better on my relationships with my husband, my kids and be able to function better overall. so yeah. this has been quite the conversation. and i can't just hold it in until i can hopefully sit down and talk to someone about it because not everyone is always able to just sit down and talk about stuff. so.. that's out there.
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it's now February 2018, i left my job last September, i'm waiting on disability to see if i can still produce an income for my family without the capability of working in a normal work environment. my stress level has gone down.. i'm always working on being a better me. and learning each day how to handle what my body throws as me.
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