realizing that what's done is done, and i've learned from it, and i've learned about it.
and i've spent tears and time putting together things that i had forgotten.
time to let it go..
my healing has been difficult and raw.
a huge thank you to my BFF for walking and talking me through this..
and praise to God for giving me the strength.. leaning on Him and learning what's done is done, and i've learned more about forgiveness and grace.
.......
It happened in high school
I remember only a little
I remember it didn’t happen very often
I remember it was only ever in my bedroom at night, and it was random. It wasn’t all the time.
I remember who he was
I remember he was smart and kind and gentle and handsome
I remember that he asked if i wanted a chest rub, i was naive and told him yes, but it felt awkward so i told him to stop.. and he did.
Probably a combination of naivete and curiosity.
It was mostly just kissing.
I don’t remember him ever laying down beside me
Only that he sat on my bed
And he never touched me anywhere else
I know I was tense
Uncomfortable
It was my first physical experience with sexuality.
He was 2.5 years older than me.
I don’t remember him ever asking if it was ok
He just kissed me
It was gentle, it felt right, but it felt wrong
I was only 15 when it started, and I was only 16 when it ended
It was strange
And i wasn’t quite sure what was happening
Or why
Maybe he was taking out his sexual desires on me?
Maybe he felt like I was his dummy to practice on.
He knew me more than that, though.
He saw me every day
We would eat together, pray together
I feel like he took out his sexual teenage boy frustrations on me possibly because if he had acted that way towards another girl it would’ve been unacceptable. And he knew I would never say anything. I was a good little girl. I didn’t break rules.
….
This is probably what led to my sexual experiences in college.
Exploring to see what felt ok and what was acceptable.
I had an intimate night with a girl friend.
I had a dry hump experience with a guy i trusted. (to this day remembering his name makes me uncomfortable) Even that one I knew where I was going, I knew what it might lead to, and i knew what was happening during the act, but it felt like it wasn’t me. My body and my mind were numb.
I had an online sexual relationship during that one year of college as well.
I feel like this also led to the reason I let Brian touch me before we were married, and why i was ok having sex with him before the wedding. Even though I knew it wasn’t right, I loved him. It made me uncomfortable, but it’s what he wanted.
….
I feel like over the years
Since i’ve already talked it over with myself many times
And i’ve been to counseling and learned how to forgive people for things they’ve done that they didn’t know effected me..
I feel like i’ve already begun to have closure on what happened to me.
That I’ve already entered the process of forgiveness.
I feel like I've already started moving on with my life and leaving this in the past.
Yes it happened to me, no it wasn't OK… I'm not angry with him. But I'm not gonna let it ruin my future either.
I may or may not ever say anything out loud about it.
But it does feel good knowing that I can piece together what happened to me and let it be a lesson to not let anyone take advantage.
I’m learning to create new intimate experiences with my husband.
And letting myself be ok with saying no. Finding my voice.
Learning to feel comfortable in my own mind and in my own body. Both have been through a lot.
I'm not letting anybody else control my body or my mind anymore. I have my own voice.
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