i'm noticing that without having brian here (back in November, he was in florida for business). this is day 2 in the morning, and yesterday, i'm noticing that i'm having a harder time focusing on what i need to do.
i don't really have a direction.. um.. i feel like i have all these things in my head that i have to do, but i can't figure out when to do them, or what to do first, or what to get done by the end of the day and then i get frustrated, and then when plans change.. like Jazmine being sick. she's actually home for the second time now. second day in a row. so i'm taking care of Jazmine and then i was going to take her to urgent care yesterday, but the weather was bad, so i didn't take her to urgent care yesterday so now this morning i have to take her today, and i have to do laundry, so.. i have to not forget that i'm picking Zoe up from school because she has a counseling appointment, and then tonight we are going to the church to decorate for Christmas, and they're going to feed us dinner.
we were going to do that last night, but with Jazmine not feeling well, and with everyone being tired, and i had to treat Zoe's hair for lice, which i had to remember to do, which i did, um.. and .. and .. um.. crap, i can't think. i need to .. it doesn't help to put some things on the calendar that i have to do, it does help to have some things laying out that i have to do, because i can see them, that also just made me have a lightbulb moment this morning. that's why i lay things out so i can see them because if i don't see them i won't do them. that's why i forget to do things. so it's not necessarily that i am becoming procrastinator, it's the fact that if i can't see something in front of me to remember to do something, i forget to do it. *small sobs. and that's coming up more and more. that i'm just forgetting to do things, even if i set a reminder, even if i send myself an email.. i'll forget to check the email. or if the reminder goes off and i'm doing something else i'll see the reminder, but then i'll forget that the reminder went off.
i am finding that one thing that's helping is sending myself a text because i look at my text multiple times a day, because i don't want to forget if i'm supposed to do something, or if someone said something, or.. that's another reason why i haven't gotten some photos printed for the scrapbook or for other people. um.. i was supposed to get a 5x7 printed of this last dance year for Brian's mom and i never got it printed, even though i knew i needed to get it printed. so now i have to remember to go on Meijer photo and get it uploaded and get it ordered, which all of this is obviously taking brain power, so it is making me exhausted on top of the fact that i physically am having issues. for instance, Brian came home the other day from, i don't know where it was, i can't remember where it was, but i had all the Christmas stuff out.. oh he was at his moms house, watching a football game.. he came home and i had stuff out everywhere because i needed to remember to do stuff. like i had the tree stuff out, and then i had stuff on the table, and then i had stuff in the kitchen, and then i had.. cause if the cups weren't on the kitchen counter i would forget to do something with them (took 3 days to get them taken care of). and if the tree stuff wasn't out i would forget to.. no if the light wasn't on in the alcove, i would forget to clear out the alcove and vacuum before putting the tree up. if i didn't have stuff on the piano, i would forget i have to clean that off and put it away before i can play the piano.
so my house is looking more cluttered because i need visual reminders to remind me to do things, but then i look around, and i see all the clutter and it makes me anxious, and then i can't focus, and then i freak out, and then it's just like a vicious cycle. because if i don't have visual reminders then i'll forget to do things, but then if things are cleaned i'll forget what i'm supposed to do *quietly sobbing. so.. oh my gosh.. deep breath. i'm gonna stop for now.
i just have to remember today i need to do the laundry, i just took a shower so i remembered to take a shower.. yeah and if the shower is not on the calendar, i'll forget to take a shower. *sniff. so today.. i showered, i got the kids off the school, Zoe had her medicine, the cats got fed.. i had coffee.. i need to remember to clean the stove. so i'm gonna have to take all the stuff off the stove to remember to wash the stove before i put it back on. so the sink is going to look like a mess for a little bit, but that's because i have to remember to clean something.
oh my gosh.. this is exhausting just trying to remember and speak it out loud.
ugh. *sniff.
i've also noticed that it helps when i have things on my calendar, scheduled things for me to get out of the house, to do something. it helps my mental clarity, it helps my emotional health.. so i know it kind of sucks to still be spending gas money without the extra income to pay for extra gas money, but it's necessary for me for my health, my mental and physical health, to have things to look forward to doing. i can't just stay at home and clean. i have to do things that get me out of the house. things that i look forward to, things that are fun, things that i know i'm good at. like if i put on the calendar to run out and do errands, i'm good at that. it i put on the calendar, like right now i have on the calendar for Thursday i have a psychology appointment, which helps me, and then after that i'm going to run around town and do the returns that i have from black Friday, and while i'm at Kohls i'm going to stay there and get Zoe and Jazmine for underwear, because that's 1. responsible of me, so that's good that i can still remember responsible things. and that also keeps me in check when i earn a coupon that i know i can use that has a certain expiration date on it, it's like i have to use it by this time and i have to use this coupon, so it makes me thing "what do i use this coupon on? what would be the best things to use this coupon on?" it helps me mentally to use, i don't even know what it's called, the part of the brain that helps you, like, i can't think of it, problem solve. so that's good. so i know it kind of sucks to have to spend money on gas for me to go places that don't sound necessary, but i'm finding that for me it is necessary.
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