The Wounded Woman

I have been working through this book for a while now, using different books and videos, etc, to turn to whatever i'm needing to gain for my spiritual and emotional health.
Oh my gosh.. I'm so glad I bought this book (on Amazon) .
I have marked in it like crazy, I have gained so much sympathy and insight and strength and hope and relief.. i'm sure there's more, but I'm unable to put it in words right now. I will read this over and over. I also encourage you to get it for yourself. We ALL have so many things we've dealt with and have gone through, and we need healing.

The Wounded Woman: Hope and Healing for Those Who Hurt
by Dr Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt

(the bold parts are my extra thoughts, the rest are little excerpts from the last section I just read that spoke to me and I felt I needed to share.)
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What if pain is a teacher and difficulties are opportunities?
What if a life without struggle is a wasted life?

"In the designs of Providence there are no mere coincidences"- Pop John Paul II

A wound may be a blessed event, if only we embrace the blessing and don't get stuck in the agony and distress of it. We are not minimizing the suffering; we're only saying that it may have a meaning that shines through the darkness. Difficult as it may be right now for you to affirm this, the pain may be worth it.
Troubles happen, but life moves on. We either move forward with it or we relive it, focusing over and over again on our difficulty. We all must ask ourselves: Are we living life in our rearview mirror or with our eyes intently focused on the road ahead?

We all need to push forward, for that is where life is. We must start by stepping out.

What is my dream?
What is holding me back from stepping out?

Christ gives us strength and comfort and hope. Regardless of the past, He will be with us as we move forward.
Jesus understands pain. He suffered we could be healed and forgiven.
God has great dreams for us; all we need to do is step out and grasp them.

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you" Galatians 5:1 (The Message)

Somebody once said: "The shadow will always by behind you if you walk toward the light." Walking toward the light means stepping out and not letting anything stop us.

Our future will not be perfect. There will be new challenges, new difficulties, and new wounds. But we will be stronger for what we have gone through. Louisa May Alcott wrote: "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."
It's interesting that she didn't say that he had learned to sail, but that she was learning. We are all in process - none of us has arrived. Yet on this journey, with God's help and our determination, we move  forward and discover victory.

Gratitude is faith in action. Every moment of every day is full of things for which to be thankful. Gratitude makes us more alive, more enthusiastic, more optimistic.

Our wounds are gifts, while at the same time being tests. 

Helen Keller: "I thank God for my handicaps for, through them, I have found myself, my work, and my God."

Our wounds make us more willing to let go of what we have here.

Frances DeSales wrote: "We will soon be in eternity, and then we will see how all the affairs of the world are such little things."

Living in the light of eternity causes us to reprioritize what matters most.

Life is full of challenges!

On the battlegrounds of life, our faith has the potential to grow stronger and deeper.

Our wounds.. are nothing for which to feel ashamed or insecure about. In God's eyes there is nothing wrong with our wounds.

Troubles transform us if we let them. Challenges can be what empower us and take us to the next level.
He is willing to use our pain to accomplish great things in us and around us.

He yearns to heal our wounds when the time is right. He is waiting to comfort us as soon as we ask Him. He is eager to strengthen us as we lean more on Him.

For it is through hope that we move forward.

Easter at Crossroads Community church- Two Thieves

www.ilovemychurch.org, you can listen to a recording of it, or any other message, anytime. it's free.

1-10-20-30-40-50-60-70-80-90-100

percentage wise, where would you rate yourself as a good person?

When you compare yourself with other people;

1. you feel BETTER about yourself. (oh i'm better than this person, i do more than them, etc)
2. you feel WORSE about yourself. (man, i don't wear as nice clothes as them, they have a newer vehicle, they have a maid clean their house).

Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with Him (Jesus) to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified Jesus, along with the criminals - one on His right, the other on His left.. (Luke 23:32-33)

One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at Him (Jesus): "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!" But the other criminal rebuked him. "Don't you fear God," he said, "since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong." Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when You come into Your kingdom." Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with Me in paradise."
(Luke 23:39-43)

*good people DO NOT go to heaven!
FORGIVEN people go to heaven!

the forgiven one..
1. admits he's wrong

We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this was has done nothing wrong. (Luke 23:41)

2. asks for help eternally

then he said, "Jesus, remember me when You come into Your kingdom." Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with Me in paradise." (Luke 23:42-43)

THE BOTTOM LINE
* I am one of the two thieves, on one of the two crosses. Which one of the two thieves AM I?

But to all who believed Him (Jesus) and accepted Him (as their Savior), He (Jesus) gave them the right to become children of God. (John 1:12)


How did you rate on your scale of 1-100?
What does your number say to you about where you stand with God?

How have you relied on your own goodness to get right with God?

April Poetry Prompt, Where I #findstrength #mightypoets

it's hard
my heart
my soul
are so weak
and trying to be strong

help

i find strength in close people
i find strength in validation
i find strength in knowing the God who made me will never desert me
i find strength knowing that even when i want to ball up into a corner, hugging my knees and crying..
He's there

I find strength in tears
I find strength in fresh air
I find strength in soft kitty fur

i find strength in the touch of my husband
gentle
reassuring
...

so low
dragging me down
depression
anxiety

please leave me alone

... oops?... I don't mean to

i feel like crawling in a hole
hiding away from all people

i don't know...
i overstepped a boundary
i said something that is normal to me - about something that is a new truth for you
i can accept facts to be facts, but i will not always apply them to my life
my brain literally won't allow me to change every time i hear a new fact
i know i don't have to say i'm sorry
i know you're not angry
but i know i offended you
and i wish i could feel more

i want so badly to feel more
but i just feel.. (indifferent isn't the right word)
... trying to think.. my brain can't process this very well..
(like you've said before.. give myself some grace.. my brain is trying)
i don't know what to say

but i feel
lost
and hurt
that i feel like i hurt you
and i don't mean to

i'm sorry

this social stuff is hard

giving myself a project in the yard, all by myself, to make me feel like i'm doing something progressive
make me feel like less of an ass
like i did something meaningful
i cleaned up some trash from part of the earth

doesn't make me feel like less of a heal

i'm snapping at people who are trying to love on me

trying to pull through a flare of my autism symptoms
i'm not anxious
i'm not depressed

i just feel
like i let you down
i'm disappointed

and i'm sorry

(curls into my shell)(i'm crying inside)
i'll give you your distance
and i'll try
again
not to say the wrong things
though i know i'll fail in the future
the best i can do is hope and try my best

making plans

first of all.. we make plans because we want to DO the things we plan.
I don't want to cancel on a baby shower or a birthday party or even going to church because my anxiety is so bad i can't think or my hips are so unstable i can't walk and my fingers bend so easy i drop everything, i can't even push the button the car door to put my window down within joint failure.

I don't like that my body is so unpredictable I feel like super mom in the morning and by noon I have to lay down because i'm so out of breath and dizzy and in pain that i can't walk myself to the bathroom without assistance.

second of all.. do you really think we like to live like this?
if i HAD to pick an illness to have (like we have the choice..) do you really think i would choose to be BORN with something that nobody would have a freaking clue about, that i would have to do all my own research and homework.. and HAVE to wear braces and be careful of everything i do for the rest of my life?

Oh yeah.. because an SI belt and hinged knee braces are so fashionable.

I.. THINK.. NOT

Do you think it's fun to have to be pushed in a wheelchair when you go out for a family day because you can't walk that long or that far? Being 36 years old and wearing a neck brace like i've been in a car accident. People asking about my broken toe because i'm still wearing normal shoes.. well, when you deal with pain on a daily basis at levels normal people couldn't comprehend, a broken toe is almost the least of my worries.

I don't like that my mental status won't allow me to work, or that I don't know at any given moment if my knee is going to give out or if i turn my wrist the wrong way, i'll have shooting pain up to my elbow, Or if i cuddle with my daughter on the couch and my neck is in the wrong position or my hips or my back or my jaw, i have to cut the cuddling short.

lastly.. compassion goes a long way. judgement sucks the life out of people. as if we don't judge ourselves constantly.
grace.. it's a big word. but it's so powerful.. if we just give a little more of it.

my chronic life- self-care

....
My nails get too long, they peel from the tip, the pointer fingers start to curl into my finger.. they start chipping and breaking.

Before i had kids they did the same but they were also very thin and bendy. Now at least they are "thicker".

before i treat them, the everyday nails

the nail treatment set my husband bought my for christmas 2017. my sister bought me one a few years back, too. they last me a couple years!

how they look afterward

Now I use this nail treatment kit a couple times a year to really care for them.. on top of weekly filing and using a strengthener as a base coat. Every now and then i'll let them go naked for a day, but most of the time, i protect them with color.

Sometimes it's even hard to do my nails because the tips of my fingers hurt. :( So i'll have to do it in steps. Take off my polish, and then later file them and prep them, and then sometime after that paint them.

....

PT (physical therapy) home exercise programs are vital for my strength.

without them, i get weak so easily. (like not being able to clean the top of my stove, or even smaller, opening a brand new can of food or ripping off the top of my fiber packet.)

unfortunately with my lack of energy (chronic fatigue from EDS and POTS) i don't generally have the "want" to do it because it takes so much out of me, and because of my memory problems, a lot of times i'll forget to do it.

so if i don't make an effort to put it on my calendar to remind me to do it, and then make sure i fit it into my day, it goes by the wayside.. even though i can see my equipment daily.. it's very visible for the same purpose, to remind.

i put my exercises (and my oldest daughters) in a binder to help me visually.

i also have tools from my occupational therapist that help me work on my hand and wrist strength, in the form of exercises with a rubber band and different firmness' of putty (like silly putty).

i also have a foam soccer ball in my purse that i can fidget with (because of ASD) and i feel that can be helpful for my hand strength as well as my autistic tendencies and anxiety.

i'm still clumsy because my hands, wrist, everything is super floppy (hyper mobility) so i'll drop things.
....

showering? ha.. well.. every few days, i'll make sure i do it because i see my hair getting greasy or if i'm having a good day, i'll do it, because i know i have the energy and it makes me feel good.

i have trouble with the heat because of POTS and the feeling of the water on my skin because of ASD, but once i'm in, i generally don't want to come out because i get comfortable.

shaving goes in spurts.. i can shave my pits in the shower, and i can trim my body hair as long as i don't have to bend over very far. shaving my legs usually happens while i'm sitting on a chair with my feet soaking in some warm water, so i'm solid on a chair and my hips don't have to bear my weight.
....

getting enough sleep can be tricky.

i have insomnia and RLS (restless leg syndrome), and then if i have an injured body part that i'm favoring, it makes it harder (like right now i have a broken/bruised pinky toe). sometimes i have to resort to taking pain meds before bed to dull the sensation so i can rest. it is helpful, i just don't like taking more meds than needed. i already take two meds at bedtime for depression (doubles because it makes me drowsy) and for restless leg syndrome (nerve disorder).
....

i dont wash my face every day because, again, either i forget or i'm too tired and i don't want to use my energy on it. but i try to at least moisturize more often, because i have dry spots on my skin, and especially in the winter, i get dry patch breakouts.

also because of my autism, i pick at things, so i end up picking at anything that doesn't feel right on my skin, and it ends up being a months long healing process (because of my picking problem, i'll pick it again, and my EDS skin doesn't heal very quickly), ending in a scar that i then "have to" cover with makeup or see all the time. generally they fade over time, but it's a LOOONGG time.

I have these dry patch breakouts on my ears, too, so i'll have picked, sensitive, thin and scarred (because of EDS) patches on my ears, too. *sigh.
....

mental health help comes in the form of tools my psychologist introduces to me. i have a paper pad that helps me through each day, i have oils and a diffuser, i have a yoga mat to remind myself to relax, i have mindfulness exercises to help relax all the tense parts in my body, i have candles (my husband had a collection of candles he recently unloaded and gave to me to burn.. YAY!), i have a blog.. sometimes it comes in the form of just watching a movie or hiding under a blanket (i have generalized anxiety disorder and depression).

i'm picky on my oils. i'll only buy two different brands, because i want to make sure i'm putting pure plant oils in me/my household (young living and NOW essentials). i have enough stuff bombarding my body everyday, i don't need/want to put more crap in it.

learning my triggers and being aware of my surroundings, being able to prepare myself ahead for situations, letting myself feel things and work through the stress instead of ignoring it.

so many things to learn and adjust.
....

i have a speech therapist who i visit weekly who helps me with my cognitive dysfunction. she has me do brain exercises to keep me sharp with math and reasoning, memory issues.

i have some word search books at home, i crochet, i have a type of word search game on my phone, as well as solitaire, and i've picked up reading again. mostly for inspiration, or certain topics, but i've challenged myself with a few books lately to try to expand my thinking and dive into unknown information, and it's been very hard, almost impossible to read these. they are very overwhelming and i can focus very well, let alone absorb the material. but i'm trying. even if i fail at these, i succeeded at completing the challenge.
....

sometimes self care means going out to my garden for a bit, sometimes it means driving someplace to take a walk, sometimes it just means sitting on my front porch or swing or hammock to relax and take in the sounds and smells and clear my brain (if i can).

sometimes it means going back to bed and resting as long as my body needs my.

most days it means wearing any wrap or brace i think i need in order to function in my home. my body and my mind and my internal organs are so unstable, and sometimes won't function or cause more pain.. so self care means just being.

self care means "taking care of yourself.." no matter what that might entail.

it could mean writing down all my feelings on my blog and not publishing it, just to get my thoughts out into visible words.
it could mean blogging so i can share my inner turmoil and thoughts with other people without seeing the feelings on their faces or having them respond verbally, since most of the time, i really just want to be heard and not have people try to fix me.

it could mean sending the kids outside to play or upstairs to watch a movie or mandatory quiet time so i can have calm and silence.

sometimes it means doing something i love (like cooking or coloring or sewing) so i feel even a little bit connected to myself and a spark of joy.

*whatever it means for you.. practice self care!

my autism journey

I've been having speech therapy for a while now because i'm having memory problems.

i was going to say it's getting harder for me to say what i'm thinking.. but i feel like this has always been an issue. it's just now that i'm becoming more aware of my body and it's wiring.. i'm noticing it and asking questions about it.

that's how i found out i have EDS, a genetic connective tissue disorder that makes everything in the body fall apart over time.

as part of this, i've been trying to figure out why i have problems thinking and feeling and expressing and why i could study for tests like crazy but i couldn't perform. why i've always been super talented with music and writing, and always had a big interest in nail painting... why i've had issues with understanding people, why i have an emotional "stuck" (as my BFF would say- i don't feel things very well, or if i do feel something, i don't know what to do with that feeling, and the external view of it is generally skewed). and why i generally feel better being alone than i do around people, but i can blend in so well so nobody knows.

and i ran across autism.
Aspergers, to be exact. and wondered why this was never a thought when i was growing up. and i learned about masking.
this is why i've always been a chameleon.. could so easily blend in to situations and surroundings. why i never really felt like myself, never really fit in anywhere specific, except with the other "loners".
high functioning autism
is me.

and because of the journey i've been taking with my physical and mental health, i've found avenues and people who can help me connect and research.

www.herautism.com
SO GOOD

my psychologist is part of a center for therapy who does diagnosing for these types of things.. they actually diagnosed my youngest daughter with ADHD.
and i just started my testing for Autism! :)

i'm glad to have found something that helps me define who i am and why i am the way that i am.
and just like with having EDS, it's hard for me to think that i'm one of those people who has rare, special capabilities.

but i'm open to accepting that fact that i'm more unique than i thought.