making plans

first of all.. we make plans because we want to DO the things we plan.
I don't want to cancel on a baby shower or a birthday party or even going to church because my anxiety is so bad i can't think or my hips are so unstable i can't walk and my fingers bend so easy i drop everything, i can't even push the button the car door to put my window down within joint failure.

I don't like that my body is so unpredictable I feel like super mom in the morning and by noon I have to lay down because i'm so out of breath and dizzy and in pain that i can't walk myself to the bathroom without assistance.

second of all.. do you really think we like to live like this?
if i HAD to pick an illness to have (like we have the choice..) do you really think i would choose to be BORN with something that nobody would have a freaking clue about, that i would have to do all my own research and homework.. and HAVE to wear braces and be careful of everything i do for the rest of my life?

Oh yeah.. because an SI belt and hinged knee braces are so fashionable.

I.. THINK.. NOT

Do you think it's fun to have to be pushed in a wheelchair when you go out for a family day because you can't walk that long or that far? Being 36 years old and wearing a neck brace like i've been in a car accident. People asking about my broken toe because i'm still wearing normal shoes.. well, when you deal with pain on a daily basis at levels normal people couldn't comprehend, a broken toe is almost the least of my worries.

I don't like that my mental status won't allow me to work, or that I don't know at any given moment if my knee is going to give out or if i turn my wrist the wrong way, i'll have shooting pain up to my elbow, Or if i cuddle with my daughter on the couch and my neck is in the wrong position or my hips or my back or my jaw, i have to cut the cuddling short.

lastly.. compassion goes a long way. judgement sucks the life out of people. as if we don't judge ourselves constantly.
grace.. it's a big word. but it's so powerful.. if we just give a little more of it.