this is what my oldest daughter said to me after a blow-out at dinner.
i walked away because nobody was listening to me, and mealtime was a bust.. i gave up.
she came into the porch to try to apologize, and i brought up what i saw was happening, my point of view, saying that i didn't feel respected or listened to. i felt like i wasn't her mom, but like i was just a friend who stayed at home and cleaned up their crap. i didn't feel like a parent because nobody cared what i said. she said "no parents are respected".
and i said "so.. we shouldn't try to be different than that?"
and she left because she felt like her apology wasn't being heard. she gave up on me.
so i gave up on me.
(i did try to intervene in a sibling dispute, but she said "mom, siblings are going to have arguments. let us figure it out on our own." yes ma'am.)
i'm in the office now, with my water bottle.
my mind isn't helping me.. it's sitting there. doing nothing.
if i speak, i'll say things that i don't mean, or things that don't make sense, or things that aren't me.
my mind is too unpredictable right now.
just holding my little space in the universe.
hearing the cars and the bug noises outside the window.
eventually someone will do the dishes.
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