it's not working..

my brain is.. not working

this morning i had laid out clothes that i wanted to wear, so that was easy, and then since it's mothers day, i defaulted to wearing my mothers necklace (a peapod made with my 3 daughters pearl birthstone colors).

the girls had made me breakfast, so that was nice. breakfast in bed. i didn't have to worry about what to make for breakfast.

we got to church a bit before service, it was nice to see a few friends, got a couple "oh yay, you're not in your wheelchair this week!" comments with smiles and hugs. that made me feel good.

service was fine. i wore most of my rings because my fingers have been overworked lately. got a picture of me and my girls at the photo op.

went to the grocery store to get a couple things. had a list to use so that made it easy.
got home, made lunch, mom came over and joined me to eat.

when she left, i used one of my coupons Livy gave me from last year and cashed in a whole body massage with my massage lotion. then i cashed in a cuddles massage with Jazmine and watched a few episodes of Friends with her (it's our show).

after that I decided to go in the office and do some things at the shared family computer table, and Brian wanted/needed some help cleaning up, so I turned around and basically just followed his instructions.

and then it hit me.
again.

for the second time today, i was hit with this feeling of "what am i doing? i know i've got something i was doing or going to do, or maybe i was supposed to pick something up from another room, or.." and the "nothingness" (questions, exclamation points, light bulb, flashes and fog) continued.

it's actually happening right now, while I try to explain what it feels like. explain what the heck my mind is doing.. when i can't understand.. when it seems my ability to think has been shut off.

something not connecting it.
it's what i call a "short circuit".. i get "shut off" randomly.

i've been disassociating today, on and off. floating in and out of my surroundings and my body.

i've been able to find myself at times in projects i give myself. i did good when i was cooking lunch (it was a meal that i had thought about yesterday and planned to make). it was good when i decided to make paper flowers out of craft supplies i picked up yesterday (paper doilies and blue napkins from the tables at the mother/daughter banquet).

i'm going to have some coffee, eat a banana (because i have no idea what to make myself for dinner, i feel like i can't decide), and get out my coloring book.