my matryoshka doll

yay in found her!

I got her quite a few years back, i've always wanted one.
so when i had a little extra money to myself, i made it happen. i went on eBay, i looked them around the amount of money i had.. and found her.

she's beautiful.

this doll taught me something this morning. 

when i told my BFF that i had found her, because I thought I had lost her when we moved over 3 years ago, she said "i remember her". 

I responded "she has a small crack and a little warping, but she's still perfect."

and Bam. 

that made me think of our self image. 

how do i view myself VS other people's view of me. 

this makes me think of a couple days ago when i had a migraine and I posted about a migraine day using my instagram, and my future cousin-in-law commented "you're beautiful!". 

I was taken aback. Huh?

How am i beautiful when my face clearly shows that i'm exhausted and unkempt?

her view of me and my view of myself were completely opposite. 

how do you view yourself? 

remember the Matryoshka doll.

morning inspiration

Because i live with multiple chronic illnesses, mental illness.. i'm a mother of three, a homemaker and a wife.. For me to get out of bed every morning i have to have a reason. Otherwise I will literally just want to lay there. 

This morning I paid back down for a couple hours (after I got the kids off to school and Brian off to work), only meant to lay down for an hour, I had a bunch of crazy dreams that exacerbated my pain, but also made me feel more stable. So I didn't want to wake up. I felt better in my dream than in real life. 

I have a speech therapy appointment at 10:45, it's important that I have that appointment because that inspires me to get out of bed. It inspires me to do something, to eat and make my coffee or do the dishes. Otherwise I feel like i'm failing myself. 

If I don't have something to look forward to, I could literally sit on the couch. 

But I do have thing that inspire me to move. 

My kids need their mom to be an role model.

I need to make a meal. 

The cats need food and their litter cleaned out. 

The dishes need to be washed or we'll have fruit fly problems. 

I need to vacuum because clean things always make you feel better. 

I need to make sure I write a check before the bill is due so it's not late. 

If I don't take care of myself, I can't take as good care of my kids and my house.. so I make myself shower (yes, this has become a chore. i actually have to sit down in a chair now to shave my legs and clip my toenails because my hip flexors and the hip joint isn't strong enough, and the movement hurts). 

What inspires you to do life? 

receipts

AHHH!!!

ok, now that i got that out of my system..
gotta get myself situated with my cup of coffee, pile of receipts and cozy robe so i can concentrate. it's my job to go through quicken, itemize the receipts, check them off and throw them out. mentally, i can only handle it for an hour, tops.

*whew.
*sip.

honestly, it's actually something I enjoy ;)
it makes me feel helpful and accomplished. and i like to do paperwork.

Finding out who you really are- me

Have you ever really just looked inside your own mind and thought, "who is this person? who am I?"

What do i like?
What are my favorites?
What do i NOT like?

For the most part, my whole life i've been pretty easy to please.
I mean i don't like beets. I really don't like beets, i've never liked beets, even when my mom put them on my plate and said "you can't get up until you eat these." LOL
Oh by the way, they cannot be fixed with ranch dressing. I tried.

But yeah, just things i'm finding out about myself.
I am still a cat lover, i will always be a cat lover. I love coffee. I try not to drink it all the time, I try to drink enough water, which, another thing I know about myself, I suck at drinking water. Still workin' on that.

Other things I know about myself.
I am loyal to a fault.
I know a lot of people but I don't have as many friends.
I like to have close friends, people that I can actually talk to and have a deep conversation with. I'm not much for small talk. I do it when I have to, but it's not really my forte.
I prefer to have meaningful conversations.
Instead of "hi, how are you today?" "oh i'm good". No, you're really not today. Tell me how you actually are. I don't want you to give me a canned answer, I want to have a real answer, that's why I ask "how are you?".

Let's see.. what else?
I love purple. When I was younger I always liked blue.
I don't like skirts above my knees because i'm self-conscious about my legs.
I have small hips and i'm finally ok with that. I used to always want more hip because my body is very "slender".. I've always been shaped like a bean pole. I've never really had much curve. But that's ok, because not everybody needs to be curvy!
I am happy with my bra size. My husband wouldn't necessarily agree with that, but I like my size.

I love fingernail polish.
And not for the fact that it's fingernail polish, I don't have to like buy all the fingernail polish.
Some people like to color their hair, some people like to wear makeup because it makes them feel pretty.
I am like that about nail polish. I don't need every color, I just need the right shades. And i'm basically at a point in my collection to where for 1, i'm going to stop watching because it just feels like another thing to do and i don't want to take away from the enjoyment of the polish itself. So i'm gonna stop swatching.

Eyes

I think the thing I love most about people, physically, is their eyes. You can see SO much in someone's eyes.

You can see feeling, you can see stories, you can see emotion.

There's a whole chasm of past and just so much intensity.
And i love to hear those stories, i love hear what people feel and what they need.
And i love to listen and i love to research.. and i like to know.

This might be why I have a hard time looking at people in the eye when i talk to them.
As soon as i do, i'm overwhelmed with emotion and i feel some type of connection.
It's very intense for me.

my new old house.. blessings in disguise

I love our house. 

We moved in just over 3 years ago. 

It was built in the 1930's.. so their is amazing wood trim, a winding staircase, lots of little nooks and crannies filled with shelves and hanging bars and every square inch is finished off with insulation and cedar paneling and industrial piping. 

I've always adored twisting staircases.. we got one. 

I've always adored alcoves.. we got TWO! One in the living room, one in our bedroom (that is mine, by the way LOL). 

I've always adored slanted ceilings.. we have little pieces of this all over. :) 

I've always loved having a yard.. not too much to take care of, but big enough to be able to go outside and do stuff. We have a full acre. :) 

The woodwork in the house is so simple but it's perfectly stable, strong, and elegant. Not hard to clean, not overwhelming because it's small enough, and not hard to get around because it's big enough. 

The landscaping is pretty bare.. which is actually wonderful. We can really do whatever we want with it! 

There's a forest across the field, there's wildlife that are protected by the fact that we live in a main highway and other homes are sporadically placed so you can't hunt, there are trees all over our property. 

And we can barely hear the traffic on the busy road in front of us because of the old windows and the insulation and the solid build.

We still have windows with weights in the sides! BUT they've also been upgraded to a double pane.. removable storm window option with screen.

The reason I'm writing about this is because, as you know, I have a chronic debilitating illness. A few of them. 

This home that God led us to is perfect.. 

The winding staircase? Flanked on both sides by a wall, and a banister upstairs, and 2 ledges. On my bad days, I can still walk up the stairs with the help of these features. (So glad). 

In our small bathroom, the window is right near the toilet, perfect placement to assist me if I can't stand up with assistance. We have a small vanity with a large medicine cabinet with a triple mirror, and the sink isn't too high. We only have a standup shower, which is actually great because if i was able to lay in a tub or sit, I feel some days like I wouldn't be able to get back up without help (and i like to shower when nobody is home so it's quiet and uninterrupted). 

We have a few neighbors.. just enough neighbors to have some local relationships and not be overwhelmed or feel a sense of obligation. We are all their to help each other, but we don't interfere with each other lives, either. 

We are just outside the city limit, so we have country in the back and city less than 5 minutes down the road. The bus still comes to get our girls because we are still in the school district. 

Almost everything we need on a daily basis is within a 15 minute radius. 

We have been truly blessed. So grateful.

Body Wraps

Looking at me right now you would have no idea I am wearing not one, not two but seven different body wraps right now. This helps me feel put together, or normal. A set of toe separators, a set of custom orthotics, A set of ankle wraps, a set of knee wraps, my SI belt, body shaper shorts, and a double shoulder wrap. Not to mention the rings/finger splints/hand wraps that I will be switching in and out of all day.

You also wouldn’t know that I take seven pills with breakfast (2 are chewable, 1 more in the spring summer and fall for allergies), two with dinner, two before bed and a spray under my tongue.
All of this to help me thrive and get me through each day. (those are just my daily meds, I also have a couple that I take as needed. 2 for migraines, 1 for pain and an inhaler)
Also oils so I don’t have to take anymore meds than needed. 

I didn’t know about any of these things that could help me up until a couple years ago. Would have been nice to know when I was younger, I might not have had to quit running track or keep falling out of the same tree at the same spot, or keep running into things as my bike adding to my multiple bumps bruises and scars. 

Wouldn’t have known I was hyper extending myself all these years, leading to chronic joint pain.

There’s also makes me super glad that I have found my answer, because my oldest daughter is just like me in this way. Now I can help her as she’s growing up to strengthen her self and be more careful so she can still be active and hopefully not have her body breakdown like mine is right now.