the raccoon

so.. we have problems with rodents in our yard/ property. so we borrowed our neighbors live trap, and put out some food that we heard would get groundhogs.

so.. like not even an hour later, a raccoon went on top of the cage. and then went IN the cage, and then grabbed a piece of apple and SNAP.

so he's captive in the cage and i don't know what to do. he/she/it slept today, which, duh, is normal since they're nocturnal.

my husband went to the farm store today and got a different kind of trap, and might be thinking about getting our own gun. unfortunately living in a farm area, there's too much at risk with rodents hanging around.

trash being ripped open, disease spreading.. that alone is a big red flag. and it's illegal to transport them to another area because of that as well. so it's either they are caught and killed, or they're road kill and hopefully the driver doesn't take a hit.

and my husband found little footprints on his new vehicle, too. *sigh

it's a hard call.
for now, our furry visitor is still in the cage.

.... it's not working..

it's not working.
i can think of some things.. but nothing goes beyond a simple thought. it goes away. it won't come to the surface so i can act on it.

i fell mentally and physically stuck.

i did my nails.
that's something.

i took a shower.
i did makeup.
that's something.

i'm going to listen to a speaker at the library tonight about the underground railroad in our town.
that's something.
it's not very far, but i'll still need to hyper focus my mind. so kids will have to be silent in the car.

tonight we'll be watching a movie.
that's something.

i'm going to go try to do the dishes.
they are already soaking.
i just have to pick up my gloves, put them on, and grab the sponge.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.

no i can't..

(sigh)
i'm trying.
that's something.

Phillipians 4:13

my life verse
"I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength."

i went through my old journals recently, and i noted that an old friend of mine had written something to me about my writing.
he had said that "no wonder you're so good at writing and being a listening ear if this is your life verse". :)
i'm grateful for that statement. especially now.

now that i have entered a chapter in my life thats about writing.

good days :)

i've have a couple good days with my family recently :)

saturday was insanely hot! almost triple digits in Michigan. yikes!
my husband went out for a bike ride in the morning, trying to catch the coolest part of the day, still came in panting and stripping off his shirt and plopping in front of the fan.

we basically just did chill things all day; coloring books, games, movies, naps.. very nice. and it made my heart smile when my husband, who normally is very "gotta do stuff" just let his body tell him what to do and relaxed as well. :)

Sunday, he went out and moved the lawn before church, and after we made two quick stops and then came home and chilled again. i did pick up a couple things here and there, but we made sure to just enjoy each other.

Today, i made sure to get up a bit early to enjoy my coffee before i had to wake people up. the girls had their first appointment with their new dr, which ended up being the same dr they had, just switched to a different practice. that was nice, because we knew it would be a female and she had a bit of history with them. on top of that, since Zoe is showing some symptoms of EDS, doc recommended a referral to get her tested for it as well. :) and doc also feels like Zoe should be taking some allergy meds, and not just the asthma meds. it could be why zoe keeps getting these headaches and we've already basically ruled out not eating enough, dehydration, vision problems (she's 20/20!). i'm thinking it might be pots. we'll see what the geneticist at UofM tells us. Jazmine and Livy got "tested" for it at Toledo.

i like that their dr even checked their backs to make sure they were straight, as well. I know at one point, there was a concern for scoliosis in Alivia.

when we got home from the dr's office, zoe and i cuddled up to rest for 30 minutes, we snacked a little and then dropped Jazmine off at the library for her volunteer shift. i took the other two to the park for an hour. beautiful outside!! then i treated Zoe to her free ice cream she earned doing the reading program at the library, treated livy and myself to mcdonalds fries, and after dinner or fish sticks, fish fillets and sweet corn (which everyone devoured!! even Brian!), i took Jazmine to some alone time at The Spotted Cow because she had a gift card. :) that was so much fun, we even jumped on the Marco Polo app, and shared some of our craziness with my best friend. :)

after we came home, i watched a mermaid movie with Zoe and now the kids are getting ready for bed.

it's been a really good couple of days. :)
tomorrow i'll get up with Brian and go to get my blood drawn and my thoracic X-ray done. then i'll be home crafting as much as my body can handle.

so thankful to my Lord for the blessings i've had, and that He continues to pour on me, if i only listen and look for them. thank you God.

questioning things and realizing realities

i have an honest thought.

and this stems from my own experiences the last few years and, honestly, back into my junior high and high school years. 

when i was young, i questioned myself a lot. wanted to fit in, wondered why people didn't like me, learned to put up walls in certain areas of my life and learned to blend in where I could. 

.....

in my journey the last few years, i have been finding out a lot of things about me medically, medical truth, mental health truths, psychological truths.. that now I'm grateful that i'm at a spot where I don't have to question as much. i am able to pinpoint, for the most part, why things happen, symptoms and triggers. i'm not ignoring my body and my mind anymore. i did that for too long.

unfortunately, people who didn't know me when i was younger have a "reality" of me that is someone who doesn't question things or who has put certain walls up and needs to have them challenged. this is hard for me because i've already had those challenges in my life when i was school age, and now, the people that have only known me from age 17 and up don't know that part of my story. 

so i'm feeling barraged by people, who love me and want the best for me, because they don't see me question many things and see me be open to more things than maybe they think i should. now that i have more answers in my life than ever, i don't feel a need to question as much, and i have already been through the wringer emotionally multiple times in my life, which is why i tend to be numb at times. 

the people closest to me are honestly the ones that met me when i was 17+ years old, and the people that knew me before that have watched me change. 

it's hard for me to show people who have only known me as an adult that i'm done with the questioning, and that my life is at face value now. the deep work has been done, i'm moving on, and now i'm just trying to be more real with the people who care to still be here. 

i'm realizing that not all of them are going to be ok with me being so aloof and non-challenging. But at this point.. i'm going to put my hands up and just say.. so be it. 

if i can't be accepted in my open form, then i'm not going to pretend to wear a mask anymore than i have to. 

maybe they just need to learn to know the real me. not the me they think they know. 

.....

i feel sometimes like my life has been lived backwards. like i had to do all of these adult brain things when i was younger, not knowing why i was different and not really being who i should be (i always was told i seemed more mature and older than my age), and now that i can really be me and finding out my medical and emotional and psychological truths, i can be my raw self. 

i know not everyone is going to accept that. (sometimes i don't even accept that, but i'm trying)

i'm also finding that it's ok for people to not accept that, but that's a hard thing for me to grasp. the "real me" has been covered up for so many years.. 

and the real live medically interesting, psychologically scarred, random, inappropriate, non-intense me is finally feeling real happiness and freedom. 

there is much anxiety in these relationships (at least on my end), but i have to learn to let things go, even if they think they are doing the best for me, i know what i need. just saying "ok" as a response is.. ok. 

it almost feels like they have a necessity inside themselves to challenge me and make me question myself. 

i've done enough of that. 

it's time for me to just be me.. and not care if they accept that. 

they don't have to.. i do. 

the hardest part about this is my need to please others, so this is a constant tug-of-war on my insides.

....

my reality is that every day i wake up, grateful that i woke up, even if i feel sick and in pain. my reality is that i have mental processing problems, and that i have chronic anxiety, i have trouble making up my own mind, i am literal, i am soft and i am intense at the same time. i very much enjoy non-physical human interaction, even though i won't remember most of it. i need a nap most days, i do my chores 1 at a time and assess how i feel in between each one. i schedule when i can be physically active because i know i will need prep time and recovery time. and i try to be as much myself as possible. 

my reality will progress as the years go on, as everybody's does. 

but i will always, always try to be true to who i am, even with other people's opinions shroud my view in the mirror.
.....
it's good and it's healthy to question things.
but we also have to be ok with 1. not knowing all the answers and 2. being ok with the answers we get. 

my husband, the helper

a couple days ago i was in a situation where i was getting overwhelmed and i could tell he knew that my anxiety was spiking and he was awesome about it. 

he stayed there with me in it, held my hand, rubbed my shoulder softly, told me to breathe and blocked me from what was stimulating me. 

after i had calmed down a bit to where it was more manageable, he asked if it had helped. 

this man is a rock for me. 

so glad he wants to be with me in it and not give up and walk away.

....

this is also not the first time he's stayed with me in my anxiety. 

one time i had a breakdown and was sobbing and he sat down with me and just stayed there, holding me. 

another time, i was getting overwhelmed in the kitchen, a recipe was coming out right and i was trying to fix it, and the kids were milling it and out, being loud and making their food. i scooped the dough into a tupperware, shoved it in the fridge, and he came in right when i was about to collapse on the floor and curl into a ball. he stood there staring at me, i'm assuming assessing the situation, and then dropped his work bag, took both my hands, and started the breathing app on my watch and had me close my eyes and follow the breathing. after we went through the breathing sequence twice, he just held me. 

....

thanking God so much for giving me someone who won't leave me when it gets uncomfortable and wants to be there in the middle of my storms. 

tattoos and autism

i'm figuring out with this new tattoo (working on a half sleeve), knowing now that i have a "self-mutilation" tool of picking things on my skin to feel pain..

and that i have a stim of touching my skin and picking abnormal things, like pimples, and dry skin patches..

having a tattoo on the outside of my arm makes me want to pick at it all the time. restraint!

i may have to put a bandaid over parts of it to create a barrier.
and more coconut oil ;)