My Autism - if you accept me, you have to believe me

I can't have fun when I'm in a space where I had to be responsible, the two

don't and can't coincide in my brain.

I can only do one thing at a time mentally, and that, of course

effects how I act on the outside.

I can't have fun watching my kids or anyone else's, because

my anxiety tells me something bad could happen,

so I'm like a hawk the whole time.

I can do fun things in small moments, I can put aside fear when I have been able

to see everything around the area and pause my responsible brain

to engage in play,

but then within 10 minutes, I'm back to being responsible, and fun

is basically gone.

You never used to do this.. wrong. 

I never showed that part of myself to you because I didn't know myself well enough to trust myself, let alone trust someone else with what I was going through.

Maybe what you're going through is psychosomatic.. why don't you

just say it's all in my head?

Because that's what it means.

And if you didn't mean that, you insinuated it, and that's even worse.

Then I have to try to figure out what you meant, 

and that's even harder. 

THAT will make me doubt myself and beat myself up inside for not knowing how to communicate.