I realized the other day that I have an aversion to, not necessarily people telling me what to do, but to people giving me instructions on things that I feel like I should know how to do it, or I've done in the past so I can do it again by myself.
So someone guiding me through or giving me instructions something that I used to do on my own or that I feel like I should still be able to do on my own, I've become stubborn, and I can be angry and anxious about it because I don't want to admit that I need direction.
I believe this come from a deep-seated issue with laways being told what to do, thriving as a child on people telling me what to do, having instruction to follow, and then been thrown into the wind and now having anything solid to grasp onto. Now that I've finally been figuring out how to do some things on my own, I don't like being told how to do something I have gotten the hang of.
But not, since I'm having more issues mentally, I'm having to lean into the fact that I need instruction on a daily basis, I need that structure, it helps me for people to give me things to do (but not tell me how to do them past general instructions).. So there's a massive tug-of-war internally. Also because i'm a people please, I want to make people happy, but at the same time I want to still have a sense of security in the fact that I am somewhat independant.
No wonder being autistic and codependent is such a hard thing. The strggle is so vey real. This is why I need God, every day, every hour. Because I definitely cannot do all of this on my own, and leaning on other people is too confusing. They don't have their crap together, either.
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