Today..

So lately, I've been trying to read books or the Bible or try to get more into worship, or just really anything to connect more with God, and I'm finding that no matter if it's a devotion on my phone app or a book in front of me, or just singing to a song on the radio, I'm feeling like my connection with God is stagnant.

So I'm going to try something different.
Today.

Today I'm going to begin a new journey. I'm going to read through my verse of the day (on the Bible app) and then through my blog, I'm going to write what I think, what I feel, how the verse speaks to me.
Even if nobody else reads it, I believe this is my next step of faith. To dig more inside of myself to find what my faith really means to me personally.

So without further ado..

Today.


Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.

I think this tells us that we really, in the end, aren't going to know all the answers. Sometimes, even though we research and we contemplate and we think and we try to figure out.. we aren't going to know all the answers.
Now that DOESN'T mean to quit. To me that means to slow down and instead of making ourselves go crazy, enjoy the process of learning. Little things here and there, bits and pieces that fit more into the puzzle. Just really thinking about what we believe and how we believe and WHY we believe the way we do.
We aren't going to understand God ever completely. But we can strive to learn as much about Him as humanly possible.
So let's dive more.. and search more.. and enjoy the wonder and fulfillment of learning what we can about this Awesome Being.

Confirmation

 So I know I just got back to working retail less than two months ago… But I've been trying to get a certain job for the last two years, and they finally just hired me on. I start working at the Christian Family Centre tomorrow.

 It's nerve-racking and exciting for a few reasons. For one I've always wanted to be part of Lenawee Christian schools and their mission and just how I feel when I'm there. It feels like family.  For a second reason, they are not open on Sundays, the pay is better, the environment is fantastic, and I feel like I really have the ability to make a difference.  It really really fits me.  And for another thing, working retail for the last two months I realize that the reasons I left this job last year are still very pertinent. And I need to make my faith and my family more of  A priority.  Working retail, I basically have to fight to not work nights and weekends, as a Christian I am not supposed to work on Sundays, that is God's day and that is my families day… end of story. So I'm going to have to make a decision to leave retail  for good, because it just does not work with my family life anymore.

 I'm thankful for the clarity that I've gotten on this matter, it's definitely a hard decision, but I need to move forward and I need to put this in my past. For good.

 Something else that I have learned from this is sometimes we need to be broken down to be built back up. Over the last year I've gone from leaving retail to going back to retail because two other jobs that I had just didn't fit. I feel like I've had a lot of brokenness and now God is building me back up.  I feel like the reason I didn't get the job when I apply for it last year was because I had to go through what I've been through to learn more about what I need and what God is going to do in me .

Standing out versus fitting in

 I have this constant struggle with myself feeling like I don't want to be recognized for things, I don't want to stand out, I don't want to be pointed out as someone who did something amazing… I want to just fit in and not be noticed. But I feel like the reason God gifted me with what he did… Singing, sewing, a heart for helping people… That I am meant to stand out more.  It's definitely an uncomfortable feeling.

 I have to keep in mind that being a Christian, my life is definitely not about being comfortable. I have to step out in faith quite a bit and just trust that whatever happens, God's got the best for me.

Transformation

So again , because of my internal wiring and my personality , I am again going to attempt to stand up for myself more and take better care of myself.

 I feel like  there are times in life we feel more confident  and complete, and it really is like an eb and flow.  At least for me.
I have three daughters and I want them to be confident women…  but do they see that in me?  Because that's where they will learn it from.

 its time I stop letting the world around me push me around and stand up for who I am and what I believe in.

I'm wearing makeup today..  Because it makes me feel pretty.
 I washed my face this morning and last night ..  Because Makes me feel fresh and clean,  and I know my skin is healthier for it.
I'm wearing sneakers to work today .. Because I know they will give me the support I need to not feel pain.

I'm going to change my availability at work because I need to stick up for time with my family and time for myself.

I have been taking every chance I can get to exercise.. Because it makes me feel strong and helps me stay flexible. I don't like being stiff and feeling old.

Let's hope I keep being true to myself and living the life God would want me to.. My body is a temple and my family is a gift. Help me to not take that for granted.

Anxiety and depression… No laughing matter

 I know you all haven't heard from me in a while,  nobody might even read this page. But  I feel like this is a good place for me to unload what is happening inside of me.

 Within the last year I had found out I deal with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)  and depression. It has  been very hard to deal with, as I feel like it has started taking over and replacing the "who I am" of me.

 I'm also in a situation right now where I have been offered one of my old jobs back, but I am also still trying to find a good employment opportunity that would fit mine and my family's needs.

 Right now I don't feel like doing anything, I feel tired, I feel lazy, I feel like no matter what I do it's not going to matter. I feel very sad and I don't feel like I have an opinion.  It's very hard for me to make decisions on my own, I basically feel like my life needs to be multiple-choice so I can choose what I'm going to do from a list, not actually come up with something myself.

 I haven't felt like crafting in a little while now, which is crazy because I'm a very crafty person. I love to scrapbook, I love to so, I like to do interesting things with my kids… And I have had no desire to do any of that for probably at least two months.  I have stepped out of my role volunteering in my church nursery because I don't feel like I fit really anywhere right now.

 I feel like things that I should remember easily, I just don't remember.  That makes me very frustrated at home because if I forget  something that my husband has asked me to do or a certain way something is supposed to be done, I feel terrible.

 To Be continued ..

how dare i

i was just cutting out a shirt that i'm making as a surprise for my daughter for my birthday, wishing i was making something more important.

and caught myself
how dare i

how dare i think that what i make for my children isn't important
how dare i think that something i make that isn't for someone else or that i'm not making money on isn't worth it

i might as well give God the finger
He gave me this gift..
this shirt that i'm making for my daughter could be the most important thing she gets for her birthday.. how dare i not think it's important or worth my time.

being a mom.. activities

there's only 1 class left for my 10 year old for tumbling.. then a break.

there's only 1 class left and a tournament for my 8 year old in floor hockey.. then we need to get her back into horse lessons. she'll need to get back in the saddle so she can barrel race come fair time.

and my 7 year old continues with her ballet lessons.. she's decided to take a different dance class next year.

even though these things make us busier.. i'm glad my kids are getting involved in things.