blah

questioning myself
who i am
whether i'm good enough
whether what i do is good enough
do i do a good job at my job?
do i really belong there?

sewing therapy
it makes me feel calm.. and relieved
it relaxes me

and then come the why's and whatif's

sometimes i wish i had a desk job
but then i wouldn't be very active
and i need to be active
so that's why i have the job i do
it's part desk job part staying active
MANDATORY staying active
and using my helpful people skills

thinking this morning at church
why i'm serving where i serve at church
it makes sense to me now
i'm not on stage right now because i don't feel like i should be leading
i feel like i should be caring for people
and i love children
so that's why i've shifted my focus to nursery
brian has said many times that he misses me singing, and i've mentioned that i miss him playing drums

the thing is.. for him, that's a thing of the past. for me, singing, i feel like it could still be a thing of the future, but it's not part of my present. and that's ok

i'm dealing with anxiety and physical fall backs in my life right now
and most days, i feel like i'm glad to just make it back to bedtime without snapping or crying. thankfully with the help of God's wonderful herbs, i have been able to relax most days..
learning to choose what i get upset about, what's worth the fight and what's not..
it's exhausting

sometimes..

sometimes i feel motivated..
sometimes i don't

sometimes i just feel like doing nothing
sometimes i know what i have to do... and i really do have to do it. but i just don't want to. it can take all of me to get off my butt and start..

sometimes..
i need more sleep
or i just need to cuddle
or i just need one more cup of coffee

i'm just not playful anymore
i'm just not young anymore
i'm just not..

it feels like there's so much of me i've already used

and i know there's more of me to offer
more of me to give
but.. i don't want to
or
i'm just not feeling.. up to it

i have no motivation of my own anymore.
it takes someone saying "can you make this for me?" or "can you do this for me?"
or "please finish this" or "this is what needs to be done" for me to even want to do more.

there is an end.. there is a point of exhaustion.. and i'm not even old. i just really feel like i need to rest more than i used to.. this body, these eyes, this mind.. can only take so much anymore. i have to learn my stopping point.. and just stop.

or i'll wear myself out

........
this is actually why i took my most recent action of minimizing my online store
i can no longer keep up with running a business myself, and there really isn't enough to keep it going. so i do what i do.. and i make some extra cash for myself.

and i learn my new job to the best of my ability.. and i just keep plugging along. :) because if i didn't have a job.. i'd go crazy lol. i'd be too bored

my struggle..

i've been feeling lately that i need to back into singing at church. i took a hiatus from it about a year ago, which was a very good thing for my to do. there was just so much going on, and i had to step down from something.

i've been helping in nursery for a couple months now, and we wear a bright orange shirt if we work with children so it's easier for the parents and other staff. 

and this last weekend i was struggling with that because i've never been one to want to stand out, and i heard an audible voice in my head tell me i was made to stand out. 

that with the gift of my voice, and the gift of my compassion for other people, and the gift of my passion for children.. there are so many ways that i can impact my community. 

so i need to find a way to get around my insecurities and step out of my little box. i was not meant to me a wallflower, i was made to stand out. 

so this is my newest struggle. :) 

ironically, my new job is helping with this. ;) 

just goes to show God always knows what He is doing when He puts you in certain situations. Always trust Him to make a good decision for you. ;) 

new and new

so as MANY of you know by now.. we have moved!!

we are finally stepping into a new chapter of our lives called "home owners"..
and at the same time i'm stepping into a new chapter called "new job"..
and my girls are stepping into a new chapter called "new school". lol. :)

it's been a big transition in many ways.

but my goodness.. is it ever a good feeling!

it's been strange getting to know a new job.. i worked at Kohls for 5.5 years, going from housekeeping to cashier to customer service. and finding out that i LOVE customer service.

i stepped down from my volunteer position at church on the praise team about a year ago now, and i've been gradually getting back into volunteering.. but i'm now in the nursery with the babies. ;)

weight.. shake it off.

this morning i weighed myself after my workout and the scale read 160, i automatically said "that's NOT ok".. then stopped myself.

why is that not ok?

my goal is not to lose weight anymore.. i've lost the weight i wanted to. now i'm working at strengthening myself.

even if it WASN'T that way, why would i tell myself that i'm not ok?

such a twisted version of what's alright and what's not.

i'm a tall, healthy, strong mother with 3 daughters..
and if i want my girls to feel ok in their own skin, i can't be thinking this way.

just because i never want to see a 160 on the scale again, doesn't mean it would be unhealthy for it to happen.

shake it off, Cami. shake it off. and feel good about yourself!
THIS is how God created you.

Manners and Importance

There was a gentleman I waited on at Kohls.. older gentleman who had awesome manners, and somehow the conversation came up about how his teenage grandson was at the dinner table on his phone.

I told him i totally agree, that during meals, and during family time, we keep our devices put away as much as possible. We need to be in that moment with each other. To spend the time with people around us, and put "stuff" behind us. It can wait.

That also reminded me of a comment that was made to me this morning at church.. my girls were with friends and family, so they weren't at church with us. And when I went to the cafe to get a cookie, the lady asked me about my girls, and said "they are always so polite when they come up to get a cookie".
Thank you, God, for showing me how to raise my children, and I'm glad I'm choosing to follow the way He's leading me as a mom.

I don't want my girls to be the ones at the table with the phone in their face.
Sometimes i'll get a text or an alert when i'm at home making a meal or tending to something, and Jaz will want to bring me my phone.. I tell her "leave it there, i'll get to it when i get to it". They need to learn that other things are more important than to constantly stay connected to some form of electronic or media. I want to show them that by living it.

Wisdom

I am not wise.
It is God using my voice as a vessel to speak to those around me.
It is His wisdom that people hear.

I am merely His servant, and I have made the decision to listen to Him and offer myself to Him.

I Die Daily