I took inspiration from a conversation I had with a friend this weekend to dive into where i pictured myself growing up. What i wanted to do and how i felt about certain things.
I always pictured myself having kids and being a stay at home mom.. which i was so blessed to be able to do for a time!
But i also feel like i never really wanted to work. I never really wanted to have a job and work outside the home. Honestly if it weren't for the need for income, I would really only volunteer somewhere a few hours a week, and that will be all, work wise.
It's almost a relief for me, in a way, to know that my chronic illness is slowly taking that away from me. There's a part of me that doesn't want to give up my sense of independence, being able to do things for myself and feel like i'm contributing to my family, but i wouldn't be that sad if i couldn't go to a job anymore.
I'm slowly being ok with the fact that someday, i'm not going to be able to.
I have a 9 year plan.. if i can physically and mentally work until my kids get out of high school, i will feel a sense of accomplishment.
School and jobs have always really been a burden to me, and i never really realized this until recently. I'm glad God has blessed me with the ability to do these things this far.. but i also have a feeling that someday, when i'm unable to fend for myself, i will be using my voice to bring more clarity and awareness to chronic illness, and how it does rob people of these things (whether they are ok with it or not).
The hardest part for me in all of this is the fact that I'm unable to exercise like I want to, like i used to, and when i do, i have to be careful.
I am gaining weight.. which i'm not ok with. I've never been overweight in my life.
I'm losing muscle strength.. which i'm not ok with. I've always prided myself on being fit and strong.
But i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that my goals are different now.. as long as I have moved my body a little everyday, focus on my diet changes, and be ok with not being a skinny tall girl.. i think i'll be alright.
And i'm OK.
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