don't let it drag me down

from Jan 20, 2016

I feel like
I'm just really worried right now and I don't know why.
I feel like there's a lot of stress weighing me down and I don't know why.
I feel that some type of roadblock is just sitting in front of me andI just can't move past it and I don't know why it's there.
Try not to let it effect the way I act or the way I do my job or the way I parent, but it is effecting a lot.
I feel like maybe it's because it's been going os well lately that Satan is just trying to screw me up.
It's a well-known fact among Christians that when we are doing well in Christ the devil will try to get in there and mess things up, he doesn't want me happy, he doesn't want me thriving, he doesn't want things to be going well.. he wants to mess up my life.

today
i've been talking to God more and getting back into my Bible readings. I feel like the veil is lifting and I'm getting back to my normal self, but a better version of it.
Continuing to grow in my faith, and trusting God more.

the one thing i don't like about my job..

i knew there was something i didn't like about my new job. and of course there's probably going to be at least one thing that everyone doesn't like about their job..

and i know what it is now, and why.

i don't like post-meetings. we do a meeting before each shift to go over what needs to be done, and a meeting after each shift to recap what we did get done.
i like the pre-meetings because then i have an idea of what i can do that day, what's expected of that shift, and it sets a foal for me for that day. i like that.

what i don't like is the meeting after. especially if it's been a crazy shift.

i have a habit of internalizing, overthinking, and not being able to slow down when things get hectic.. and that's when mistakes happen. i don't like the post-meeting because when i feel like i didn't do a good job, i don't need someone else to tell me i missed things.. i know i messed up. and i'm one to beat myself up.
so i have begun to dread post-meeting.. because i feel like i'm not doing a good enough job.

i know at the beginning they said it takes a good year to learn the job, and i've only been there 5 months now.. but still, i think i'm getting a handle on it pretty well. obviously i don't know everything there is to know about it, but i just can't really handle emotional pressure, or if i make a bad choice, or if i forget something..
i have TERRIBLE short term memory. and my cognitive memory isn't that good either.

i don't feel like i'm done writing on this.. but i just can't focus on it more right now. it's depressing

blah

questioning myself
who i am
whether i'm good enough
whether what i do is good enough
do i do a good job at my job?
do i really belong there?

sewing therapy
it makes me feel calm.. and relieved
it relaxes me

and then come the why's and whatif's

sometimes i wish i had a desk job
but then i wouldn't be very active
and i need to be active
so that's why i have the job i do
it's part desk job part staying active
MANDATORY staying active
and using my helpful people skills

thinking this morning at church
why i'm serving where i serve at church
it makes sense to me now
i'm not on stage right now because i don't feel like i should be leading
i feel like i should be caring for people
and i love children
so that's why i've shifted my focus to nursery
brian has said many times that he misses me singing, and i've mentioned that i miss him playing drums

the thing is.. for him, that's a thing of the past. for me, singing, i feel like it could still be a thing of the future, but it's not part of my present. and that's ok

i'm dealing with anxiety and physical fall backs in my life right now
and most days, i feel like i'm glad to just make it back to bedtime without snapping or crying. thankfully with the help of God's wonderful herbs, i have been able to relax most days..
learning to choose what i get upset about, what's worth the fight and what's not..
it's exhausting

sometimes..

sometimes i feel motivated..
sometimes i don't

sometimes i just feel like doing nothing
sometimes i know what i have to do... and i really do have to do it. but i just don't want to. it can take all of me to get off my butt and start..

sometimes..
i need more sleep
or i just need to cuddle
or i just need one more cup of coffee

i'm just not playful anymore
i'm just not young anymore
i'm just not..

it feels like there's so much of me i've already used

and i know there's more of me to offer
more of me to give
but.. i don't want to
or
i'm just not feeling.. up to it

i have no motivation of my own anymore.
it takes someone saying "can you make this for me?" or "can you do this for me?"
or "please finish this" or "this is what needs to be done" for me to even want to do more.

there is an end.. there is a point of exhaustion.. and i'm not even old. i just really feel like i need to rest more than i used to.. this body, these eyes, this mind.. can only take so much anymore. i have to learn my stopping point.. and just stop.

or i'll wear myself out

........
this is actually why i took my most recent action of minimizing my online store
i can no longer keep up with running a business myself, and there really isn't enough to keep it going. so i do what i do.. and i make some extra cash for myself.

and i learn my new job to the best of my ability.. and i just keep plugging along. :) because if i didn't have a job.. i'd go crazy lol. i'd be too bored