Thursday, May 18, 2017

Invisible Illness- 2 days ago.

As I sit in the handicap shower stall, propping my leg up on the bar so i can shave, i notice my surroundings and how i'm feeling.
My foot is propped all the way up on the bar because my hip is flexible, but i am in pain because because my joint is flexible. My hip tendons don't hold themselves up anymore, and my leg muscles are getting weaker and weaker.
I choke back tears because if anyone saw me using the handicap shower, they would think that i was being rude because of other people that LOOK handicap that need the shower.
Because they see me, and in their mind, they probably see me as a healthy, strong, young woman. Where the funny reality is inside my body that's not who i am.
During my workout, i had to be careful with my heart rate because i started having chest pains. So a lot of cardio was out of the question. I had to be careful stretching because my tendons were popping and my knees were crunching. I had to be careful with my weight lifting because I was feeling very weak.
Today is just not a physically good day.
But i will be ok because I am strong of heart, and i will make it through today because i am here. Today i will need to rest, today i will not get to all the chores in my head that i think i need to do. Because today i need to take care of me. And today, i need to remember that it's not anybody else's business if i feel like i need to use a cane or the handicap shower stall.
That is my business, and I need it. Just because I don't have handicap stamped on my forehead doesn't mean that I can't use that facility. Because inside, that's what my body needs.

Today I am going to be very careful about engaging in conversation with other people because the way i'm physically feeling, I may start crying in the middle of a conversation. I'm going to keep silent as much as possible and I'm going to keep my little safety bubble around myself.
Today I need calm and relaxing and ice and heat.

... This is what invisible illness looks like.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Having it all together

You know.. 
i was thinking the other day why i didn't have it more together, why life is so messy, why days bring so many emotional and physical ups and downs.. 

And i had a small epiphany. 

If I had it all together, There wouldn't be room for other people to speak truth into my life. 
There wouldn't be room for other people to speak wisdom to me, 
To show they care for me, 
To be there when i have a meltdown, 
To lift me up spiritually when i feel i have nothing left to give. 

If we had it all together, there would be no room for mercy or for prayer. 

We stumble and we fall.. and we rise up again.. because life is messy. 

I've come to the realization that I don't want to have it all together. 
I would rather be a hot mess with some great people in my life so we can "enjoy" the struggle together, and help each other endure. 

I'm glad I struggle. 
I know who really cares. 
Who just wants to say "hi" and walk away, and who wants me to truly cry on their shoulder and say things with no filter. 

If we're honest..

Go here to listen to the song. 

I don't feel like I need to say anymore than these lyrics do. so here they are. Perfect in and of themselves. Absolutely love this artist.

"If We're Honest" Francesca Battistelli

Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay
Our secrets down at the cross, at the cross

So bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

It would change our lives
It would set us free
It's what we need to be

So bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest
If we're honest

Monday, April 24, 2017

Self Love

Loving yourself in your own skin

i was just going through my own clothes switching out from winter to spring stuff and i saw myself in the mirror and realized and i have really strong thighs. i also have... not the butt that i want to have, definitely not the butt i used to have but, it's a nicely rounded booty. i worked hard to raise that booty back up after having kids, and it looks good. lol.
i also have a very nice strong core. i can tense my abs and i can feel the tightness, the strength, on the inside of myself, which is awesome, because especially with the physical problems i have, it's important to have a really strong core and i've worked hard to keep that. And i'm going to keep working hard to continue that strength.
also when i squeeze my upper arms, the biceps and triceps are both nice and tight, not just the top. i don't have floppy arms, i have nice strong arms.
i mean my hands are weak.. i know my hands are weak, because all the tendons and bones and everything that's supposed to hold together just don't work as well as they should, but i have nice looking hands. and i always get compliments on my nails. for one, nail polish has always been a thing for me. it's my hobby.. i love doing them. but just the fact that my nails, that i keep them nice and strong and trimmed.. i've actually had people ask me "how do you keep them looking so nice?". well my secret weapon is like a fiber polish as a base coat. i think anybody has a nail problem of some type, i really just think it's about learning how to deal with the kinds of problems you have. learning how to make any area of your life better. taking the time to make your life better.

Just as my oldest daughter said in the car the other day "if we don't take care of ourselves, how are we supposed to take care of other people?" and that's very true. she's learned that from my because i've been teaching them that you have to take care of yourself. you gotta learn to take care of your own body, keep yourself healthy, to eat the right things, to exercise. to make sure your put in your mind what you want to come out your mouth, because whatever you put inside of you is going to come out.

i am on a journey of self love because my weakest part about myself is loving myself. i don't have a very good body image, i never really have. being tall, being skinny.. i've never had a figure, i've just always been very fit, athletic, but i feel like.. i'm not a voluptuous woman. i'm just not. and that's ok.. because i feel like if i had more curves, if i had more of that femininity, i would get more of that kind of attention and already the attention that i do get when i do look good, when i do feel comfortable in myself.. i don't like that kind of attention. so i'm learning how to be ok with positive attention regarding how i look.

so this is a journey for me, being comfortable in my own skin, looking in the mirror and saying that i like what i see, or just thinking positive thoughts about who i am.


Also, i should remind myself that my husband.. loves me.
he loves the body i have. he loves my personality. he loves.. who i am.
his admiration for me is really a good booster for me, because of how sometimes i feel about myself.

Monday, April 17, 2017

You never know who's watching.

You never know who's watching you.. and what they see.. and what they think..

An old companion of mine from high school  (that i wasn't super close with but i knew who she was and we enjoyed each other) and I worked together the other day (she volunteers at the same location)..
And she was telling me that over the last 12 years, she's seen me around town, she's watched me with my kids and with my husband.. at Meijer getting groceries and riding the grocery cart down the pavement.. and other places just the two of us together. And she said it always looked like we were happy.. that we were content.. that we enjoyed each other.

This surprised me.
Having someone see you for that amount of time, here and there, and get an impression just from watching for a minute.. That really hit me.
She said to keep doing what we're doing because it looks like we're doing the right thing.

Praise God.

Also had a member of the same facility get my attention (he has an accent so he had to use hand motions a bit :) ) and say "hey, i saw you pushing a car up the hill" and i had a flashback to this past winter when i saw a car stall out going up the hill from the stop sign.. i acted on instinct. i threw my car in park, ran up to her vehicle and started waving down help. Ended up pushing right along with them. I had to physically recover from that.. sit in a parking lot and calm down my breathing and my heart rate.. so really, i shouldn't have physically done that.

But wow.
The things people see and never say..
What would they say about you?

I had another volunteer at my location mention something to my boss about helping an elder couple back in November because they didn't know what do about calling insurance/silver sneakers..
I didn't do it get credit.
I did it because that's me.
That's my instinct.
I have the time and place to help someone.. i'm going to try my best.

What would people say about you?
You really never know when you're making an impact, whether good or bad, to someone else.

Easter 2017

Why did Jesus die on the cross? Why did God let him? You're probably going to see a lot of religious Easter posts, but the truth of the matter is God didn't have to do that for us. He did it because when he created us He wanted to have a relationship with us. Like a parent with a child. And anybody who's a parent I'm sure can understand that principle… The child that you created, the child that you are blessed enough to raise, has the choice between having a relationship with you and not having a relationship with you. Wouldn't you want your child to have a relationship with you? That's how God feels about us. And that's why He ultimately sacrificed his own heart. He gave up the one thing that meant the most to him, because our future depended on it. 
God SO loved the world, he didn't just love the world he SO loved the world. And because of that sacrifice we can have that relationship with him like a child and a parent.
Only it's so much more…

pray for other people

When you tell someone you will pray for them, actually do it. When you let words come out of your mouth, make sure you act on them. Do not use your faith flippantly. It's not just a phrase, it's a way for us to build each other up. Let us all watch what we say and watch what our actions show.

Side note.. pray for people who we wouldn't usually pray for. 
Pray for your boss. 
Pray for your coworkers. 
Pray for your neighbor. 
Pray for the people across the street you've never even met.