As I sit in the handicap shower stall, propping my leg up on the bar so i can shave, i notice my surroundings and how i'm feeling.
My foot is propped all the way up on the bar because my hip is flexible, but i am in pain because because my joint is flexible. My hip tendons don't hold themselves up anymore, and my leg muscles are getting weaker and weaker.
I choke back tears because if anyone saw me using the handicap shower, they would think that i was being rude because of other people that LOOK handicap that need the shower.
Because they see me, and in their mind, they probably see me as a healthy, strong, young woman. Where the funny reality is inside my body that's not who i am.
During my workout, i had to be careful with my heart rate because i started having chest pains. So a lot of cardio was out of the question. I had to be careful stretching because my tendons were popping and my knees were crunching. I had to be careful with my weight lifting because I was feeling very weak.
Today is just not a physically good day.
But i will be ok because I am strong of heart, and i will make it through today because i am here. Today i will need to rest, today i will not get to all the chores in my head that i think i need to do. Because today i need to take care of me. And today, i need to remember that it's not anybody else's business if i feel like i need to use a cane or the handicap shower stall.
That is my business, and I need it. Just because I don't have handicap stamped on my forehead doesn't mean that I can't use that facility. Because inside, that's what my body needs.
Today I am going to be very careful about engaging in conversation with other people because the way i'm physically feeling, I may start crying in the middle of a conversation. I'm going to keep silent as much as possible and I'm going to keep my little safety bubble around myself.
Today I need calm and relaxing and ice and heat.
... This is what invisible illness looks like.
Friday, May 5, 2017
i was thinking the other day why i didn't have it more together, why life is so messy, why days bring so many emotional and physical ups and downs..
And i had a small epiphany.
If I had it all together, There wouldn't be room for other people to speak truth into my life.
There wouldn't be room for other people to speak wisdom to me,
To show they care for me,
To be there when i have a meltdown,
To lift me up spiritually when i feel i have nothing left to give.
If we had it all together, there would be no room for mercy or for prayer.
We stumble and we fall.. and we rise up again.. because life is messy.
I've come to the realization that I don't want to have it all together.
I would rather be a hot mess with some great people in my life so we can "enjoy" the struggle together, and help each other endure.
I'm glad I struggle.
I know who really cares.
Who just wants to say "hi" and walk away, and who wants me to truly cry on their shoulder and say things with no filter.
Go here to listen to the song.
I don't feel like I need to say anymore than these lyrics do. so here they are. Perfect in and of themselves. Absolutely love this artist.