Sunday, January 10, 2016

blah

questioning myself
who i am
whether i'm good enough
whether what i do is good enough
do i do a good job at my job?
do i really belong there?

sewing therapy
it makes me feel calm.. and relieved
it relaxes me

and then come the why's and whatif's

sometimes i wish i had a desk job
but then i wouldn't be very active
and i need to be active
so that's why i have the job i do
it's part desk job part staying active
MANDATORY staying active
and using my helpful people skills

thinking this morning at church
why i'm serving where i serve at church
it makes sense to me now
i'm not on stage right now because i don't feel like i should be leading
i feel like i should be caring for people
and i love children
so that's why i've shifted my focus to nursery
brian has said many times that he misses me singing, and i've mentioned that i miss him playing drums

the thing is.. for him, that's a thing of the past. for me, singing, i feel like it could still be a thing of the future, but it's not part of my present. and that's ok

i'm dealing with anxiety and physical fall backs in my life right now
and most days, i feel like i'm glad to just make it back to bedtime without snapping or crying. thankfully with the help of God's wonderful herbs, i have been able to relax most days..
learning to choose what i get upset about, what's worth the fight and what's not..
it's exhausting

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